Miscellaneous: Today, I went down to my grandparents' house to spend some time... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went down to my grandparents' house to spend some time with them. I was in the guest room when I noticed a box in the corner of the closet labelled "Crap". I opened up the box to see my Dad's John Elway Autographed Football in it. I got it for him for Christmas, it cost me $600. FML

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Sorry…

Priorities

On the beat

By IHateBagels - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

You're back!

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

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By

Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By DefinitelyNotMyMeds - Canada

Today, just like everyday, I opened my med box, took out a blister pack and took one of the pills before putting the pack back in the box. Today, not like everyday, I had diarrhea. Turns out one of the packs was laxatives put in my med box by my boyfriend because they looked the same as my meds. FML

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By sadinmass - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By Annette - 27/11/2020 23:01

Smart criminals

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

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By Niniva - 1/3/2021 08:01 - United States - Dahlonega

Scarcity

Today, after several hours, two pharmacies, several bus rides, $20, and many phone calls, I returned home. Guess who still doesn't have a glucose monitor? Yup, I have to go do this all again tomorrow. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Cold Spring

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

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By caqi33 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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By cinemasaddo - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By trafficfail

Today, as I was driving to work, I glanced in my rear view mirror to see an old man behind me using binoculars to see in front of him since we were stuck in a huge traffic jam. He rear ended me. FML

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By stuck - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By Krissy. - United States

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

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By Steph - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

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By swervelol

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

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By JohnyP - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By embarrassed2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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By klutz - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

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By echolaker2019 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By Annon - Australia

Today, the recycling bin caught fire. My little brother was "experimenting" with his magnifying glass, set an egg carton on fire and didn't realise you had to put it out before throwing it in the bin. FML

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By unicornlovet

Today, I was cleaning, anticipating my hypercritical in-laws coming to see our new house. Literally 10 minutes before they arrived, sewage backed up the basement drain. My father-in-law spent the entire visit commenting on the smell, and how he couldn’t use the washroom. FML

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By everybodysfool - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

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By tbee - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

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By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

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By babysitter93 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I have had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

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By lerouxmaster

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Becks - 7/9/2020 23:01

The spirit of John Lennon

Today, I found a bug in my bra. Not a huge deal, so I flicked him out. Turns out he was a black blister beetle. I woke to at 3 a.m. to insane pain, as well as the water blisters all over my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Miracles

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised after showering that I didn't have a towel, so I thought I would risk a naked dash to my brother's room to steal one of his. He and his friend were in the room and both agreed that I needed a "trim". FML

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Top comments

By Ajjas013 | 6

#795631 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:08

Just take it back and sell it...

By Ajjas013 | 6

#795649 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:15

Maybe he's a soccer fan.

COMMENTS

By Ajjas013 | 6

#795631 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:08

Just take it back and sell it...

Reply

devynnleigh23 | 0

#795645 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:12

aww that's horrible. f your dad for being a dick.

Reply

cucuto89 | 0

#795927 - Sunday 24 January 2010 18:29

Take it back and eat it

Reply

nam3 | 0

#795930 - Sunday 24 January 2010 18:33

maybe crap stands for Cool Really Awesome Presents

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#798585 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 0:12

That's exactly what it stands for.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#858688 - Monday 15 February 2010 17:44

WTF?

Reply

#871454 - Friday 19 February 2010 6:33

take it back. throw it at his face and then keep it to yourself or sell it.

Reply

theice | 0

#986478 - Thursday 29 April 2010 6:39

damn it's worth more now. confront your dad on that one. maybe slash a tire or two for being a dick. if you don't want it I'll take it.

By Ajjas013 | 6

#795649 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:15

Maybe he's a soccer fan.

Reply

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1364281 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 8:32

I'll buy it!!

By blazingman311 | 1

#795656 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:18

You got your dad a John Elway autographed football?
FHL

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#795690 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:28

So basically you're trying to say... He's a soccer fan right?

Reply

perdix | 29

#795722 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:38

Maybe. Or he could be in that surprisingly large number of those who have a phobia of horse-toothed people. I'll bet the "Crap" box has a lot of Osmond Family records in it.

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#795727 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:41

LMFAOOOOO. If he really had a phobia, then I'm sure he would of gotten rid of it though. That's a funny phobia. Unless his dad actually values crap... Then his son is just overreacting.

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#795733 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:44

I'd like to add to that. I also noticed OP was at his grandparent's house. Maybe his dad is dead and passed on the football and the grandparents being of the older generation viewed it as crap. Or his dad is a hermit socialist commie who hates America and lives with his mommy.

By blazingman311 | 1

#795658 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:18

.

By TRJADN | 0

#795670 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

TheJapaneseSushi | 18

#2148741 - Friday 4 March 2011 7:03

stupid fucking cunt

Reply

ppeanutbutter | 1

#3524730 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 16:48

its not OP's fault! they thought he

Reply

kenna1717 | 4

#4176946 - Saturday 17 March 2012 6:24

John Elway is not crap!

By rosiegrewup | 0

#795683 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:26

Take it back and sell it on.

Reply

tweetypie | 18

#3230779 - Sunday 4 September 2011 0:07

On what!?!? Tell me please!!! I need to know!!!

By VanessaVander | 2

#795691 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:28

take it back and never get him expensive gifts anymore.

By scotts13 | 2

#795716 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:36

You spent a lot of money on a bit of obscure sports memorabilia. Why? Did your Dad ASK for something like that?

Reply

turdburgers | 0

#795839 - Sunday 24 January 2010 17:39

This. I have to wonder if you bought it because it was hard to get and expensive, or because you genuinely thought he would like it and had shown interest in similar items.

Reply

Yarrachel | 16

#795969 - Sunday 24 January 2010 19:00

I highly doubt he would spend that much money on a present if he didn't think his Dad would like it.

By juli1124 | 0

#795717 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:37

sell it

By bigbearmg | 0

#795755 - Sunday 24 January 2010 16:50

Time to take it back! Why was it at your gp's anyways