Miscellaneous: Today, after a shitty day, I went to the kitchen to make myself... - FML

By welcometomylife - Germany - Hanover

Today, after a shitty day, I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. When I grabbed the salt container, the bottom lid came off and the salt went everywhere. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Pirate Jim

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Red-cheeked

Today, at work, somebody stole my sunglasses. Fed up with the constant theft in my office, I stormed up to my boss, as he had long ago promised to catch the thief. He listened patiently to my rant before pointing out that my sunglasses were on my head. FML

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By Clumsyblonde22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

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By Crazy In-Laws - United States - Danvers

Today, my wife and I both got released from the hospital. She was admitted for the birth of our daughter. I was admitted with a broken arm from when my mother-in-law shoved me out of the way because she wanted to be the first one to hold the baby after my wife. FML

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By soccer_bball - United States - Frisco

Today, I was at the dentist. I ended up having some work done and left with a numb mouth. I have school pictures in less than 2 hours and I can neither smile nor stop drooling everywhere. FML

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By bad friend - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

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By lovemyteacher - United States

Today, I got my science test back. I thought I did a horrible job on it, but only three were circled. I was happy but doubtful that I did so well, so I asked my teacher just to make sure. He said it was faster to circle the correct answers. FML

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By shinra

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous

Brutal

Today, my girlfriend told me that she prefers to be on top because I appear skinnier than I actually am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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By ugh - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

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By gnofin - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, and the trunk lid hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

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By Starving Student - United States - Tacoma

Today, I got a ticket for panhandling to get gas money so that I could both drive out to a job interview AND still have enough gas to pick up my dad. Apparently, these particular cops had nothing better to do than harass me for standing quietly next to a freeway entrance with a silly sign. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, as I was leaving for my chemistry exam, I stepped on one of the countless sheets of chemistry notes that littered the floor following last night's studying. I managed to slip and knock myself out in my own living room. FML

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By Enrique - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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By steph - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

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By Jugan - France - Vaulx-milieu

Today, I discovered a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decided to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticed that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature. FML

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By Ms Yeins - Belgium - Mechelen

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public toilet. When I threw away the used one and opened a new one, it turned out that it had no thread on it! I took another one out. Again, defective! It was the last one I had with me, and it was the second day of my period. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

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By whosurdaddy

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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By ahuman - United States

Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

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By We're still popping them - United States - Fremont

Today, the neighbors called the cops because they heard "gun shots". My girlfriend and I were popping bubble wrap. FML

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By Alex White - Canada - Westerose

Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML

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By

Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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By f__k_it - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By Mattyboy - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally got to watch some porn after not being able to for a while. All I could notice in the video was how badly the participants were playing snooker. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Aldergrove

Scammed

Today, after a little detective work, I found out the money that recently went missing from my college fund was transferred by my mother, to her own account. She claims it's to pay a parking ticket. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I didn't know they fined people over $3,500 for a parking violation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 05:00

Egg mode

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

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By BigBadTron - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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Top comments

By Tarlachia | 33

#7459078 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 12:14

I think you might have a cat burglar! They left a paw print behind!

By Dillon Bull | 12

#7459074 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 12:07

Bet you're a bit salty eh?

COMMENTS

By Dillon Bull | 12

#7459074 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 12:07

Bet you're a bit salty eh?

By Tarlachia | 33

#7459078 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 12:14

I think you might have a cat burglar! They left a paw print behind!

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7459156 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 15:10

At last, the lessons from supernatural came in handy. No longer was this FMLer bothered by this GS that go bump in the night!

By CantTouchThat | 27

#7459161 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 15:31

Now just make a circle and you'll be safe from ghosts!!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7459180 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 16:12

Find the prankster who loosened the lid, and charge him with a-salt.

By extremereviews | 26

#7459203 - Tuesday 23 May 2017 17:10

Quick! Throw a pinch over your left shoulder or you're fucked for eternity spilling that much salt

By Brooke AnnMarie | 5

#7459396 - Wednesday 24 May 2017 0:32

Looks like a cat stepped in it also

By fantastamazing | 10

#7459420 - Wednesday 24 May 2017 1:50

Why does your salt container have a pop-off bottom?

By puizui | 8

#7459622 - Wednesday 24 May 2017 15:14

Is it upside down though?