Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them... - FML

By sandra - 20/9/2010 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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Understandable

Out of the frying pan

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By confidence taken - 23/8/2014 06:26 - United States - Bay Springs

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

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By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

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By stillpoor - 14/3/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2013 00:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - 21/1/2016 13:08 - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By ShakeRattleHiss - 20/4/2011 15:25 - Canada

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

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By thefriedman - 12/2/2013 04:59 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By KiDCuSHi - 20/8/2011 04:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

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By Jenievonteese - 12/6/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By jimmy - 19/8/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 05:00

Beautiful car

Today, I sold my wife's old car because I bought her a newer and nicer one. On the way back home from the sale, the transmission went out in her new one. FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By maddie - 15/5/2020 05:00

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By NeedsANewApartment - 13/1/2016 05:54 - United States - Wurtsboro

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

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By … - 28/6/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, after three months of them dating, I finally met the guy my best friend claims she's in love with. To my horror, she's dating the douchebag that I had a one-night stand with a week ago. FML

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By anonymas - 29/1/2010 15:29 - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

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By a little less poor at least - 21/4/2013 16:03 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was trying sell a customer a top-of-the-line surround sound system. Apparently he was aware that I work on commission, as he threatened to buy the system elsewhere unless I sang Rebecca Black's "Friday" in front of the whole store. Goodbye, self-respect. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 01:36 - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

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By ModernDayMaid - 25/3/2019 22:00

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 13:06 - Canada

Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML

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By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

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By BARF - 27/4/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

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By Titatoum - 17/1/2015 21:12 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

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By -_- - 13/8/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

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By Taylor Page - 19/2/2015 16:24 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my boss used the restroom at work. She returned and told me I needed to go clean the toilet because "someone left a mess in there." It was her mess. FML

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By mathguy - 3/5/2012 12:16 - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Elizabeth - 11/12/2008 05:13 - France

Today, a girl in my class turned around and said, "Wow, you've got your photo on a rubber! That's amazing!" The rubber was designed to look like a £10 note, and the picture was of the Queen of England. FML

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By not_trained_for_this - 18/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I was working at the school when one of the kids came crying to me about needing help with his zipper after a little "accident". Forbidden by a district ordinance to touch them in certain areas, there was nothing I could do; to which he cried and pissed his pants. Again. FML

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By traumatized - 18/6/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 08:00

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Broken

Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

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By payne - 4/1/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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By Ksweety_fml - 1/8/2019 02:00

Today, somebody in a store was talking about a girl who had a snake, and while I was walking out the store, an old lady asked me if I was the girl with the snake. I said no, to which she replied, "Oh, because you look like someone who would." FML

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By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

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By sashimieater - 31/5/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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Top comments

By iltby | 3

#1430218 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:36

That's rescue work for you. Good on you anyway.

By dickster | 0

#1430199 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:28

At least he was cute?

COMMENTS

By CarmeloAnthony | 0

#1430154 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:09

unlucky

Reply

GrammerNazi1000 | 8

#1430159 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:10

barfalicious!

Reply

sheribb | 5

#1430210 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:34

u know u liked it ;p

Reply

ilovenerds_ | 1

#1430215 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:35

Mmmm.. Tasty stuff, right there...

Reply

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1430385 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:39

mans best friend...

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1430407 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:51

35
YDI for trying to be funny and failing

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1430454 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:21

This is a great fight, really. But proff needs to come up with a better retort than "YDI for ..."

How about "F you and your face!" Try that one. Yours sounds like elementary school stuff.

Reply

Siji | 0

#1430463 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:24

Quick Pikachu, Iron Deficiency Tail!
:)

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1430469 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:27

Hahaha!!! The iron deficiency...uh tail...um...

Wait, what?

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1430492 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:36

Banned again? Pray, for what did you get banned the first time?

Do tell!

Reply

Silenthunter | 0

#1430518 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:47

45 GTFA? You mean GTFO

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1430530 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:50

I believe the A is for "away" rather than "out." It took me a second.

I'm still waiting for my story. I have a feeling it's a story filled with drama and intrigue.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1430576 - Monday 20 September 2010 15:12

Aww, now I have the sadness. :(

Reply

aardvarkish | 15

#1430677 - Monday 20 September 2010 16:06

YDI for encouraging the troll... like I just did...

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#1431001 - Monday 20 September 2010 17:09

I know, I know. I don't like feeding trolls either, but every now and then it's fun to poke a sleeping snake. it can either lead to a huge adrenaline rush or a trip to the ER.

Or in this case, nothing at all.

Reply

scabrakazaam | 0

#1432045 - Monday 20 September 2010 22:20

PUPPIES!!!! xD

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#1432178 - Monday 20 September 2010 23:48

You're stupid. Jeez, get a life and use your fucking brain.

Reply

JokeMeister | 0

#1434291 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 6:34

If you are not he, that's identity fraud. I'm just saying.

By 4evanucks | 0

#1430161 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:11

second

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#1430169 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:12

third....

Reply

CarmeloAnthony | 0

#1430172 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:12

would you like a medal...?

Reply

4evanucks | 0

#1430178 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:15

of course!! thanks for offering;)

By iEmily | 0

#1430166 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:12

Yuck.

By 4evanucks | 0

#1430174 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:13

good for u for helping out tho. I dnt think it cudda made ur face n e worse!! jjk

Reply

MarkSeattle | 0

#1431128 - Monday 20 September 2010 17:50

thanks for helping the shelter animals. but you have to expect pee poop and vomit it's what makes the cute puppy smell ;)

By FrEsHpRiNcE916 | 0

#1430187 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:20

I think he sat in it after it happen.. thus making his tail a vomit flinger.lol

By cars819 | 0

#1430191 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:22

grossss

By sweetdreams20 | 0

#1430194 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:27

r

By maya_papaya | 0

#1430196 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:27

he probably barfed and moved around and it's wagging tail made contact with it, you pretty bitch.

By dickster | 0

#1430199 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:28

At least he was cute?

Reply

insertclevername_fml | 0

#1430364 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:36

It's almost like your friend's children. They're adorable until they spit up..then you just want to hand them back to their mom. But if it's your own child..who cares? :-)

By jonan1212 | 5

#1430202 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:32

gross!

Reply

insertclevername_fml | 0

#1430382 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:39

rawr (: