Work: Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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Sorry grandma

What hell, lady?

Tidy your room

By Plume - France

Today, it's my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML

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By maggie74 - United States - Enfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

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By not the scalpel - United States - Paso Robles

Weird

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

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By AintEasyBeinWheezy - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

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By Broke Ass Hoe

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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By homelesslyf - Australia - Clayton

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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By notbrowsingnow - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By Jenna Berreth

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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By chillyinside - Canada

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

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By victoriassecret - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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By kitkat1603 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought he gave me unimaginable pleasure. I didn't have the heart to tell him I had cramp in both my legs at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By Non-active - United States

Today, we got our progress reports. My physics teacher wrote that I don't participate in class. My mom got mad and grounded me before I could tell her that I raise my hand in class all the time but my teacher won't call on me cause he can't pronounce my name. FML

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By well, now what - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after he received a text with a bunch of hearts on it. After arguing, turns out it was from me. FML

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By GingerJ - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By bridezilla - Canada

Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By alycion

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By Mygawdwhy

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By Username

Today, the guy who sits next to me in my psychology class openly admitted to torturing animals as a child. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

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By BoringFucker - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

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By Fred - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By kandi - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 23:01

And I Oop

Today, my mom was screaming and throwing things at me and I didn’t know why. Then I checked the date. Her birthday was yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Stealth attack

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

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Top comments

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#7417026 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:03

He obviously didn't like the baby talking

By Rammer3500 | 23

#7417039 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:27

Some people have crappy jobs
You seem to have a pissy job

COMMENTS

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#7417026 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:03

He obviously didn't like the baby talking

Reply

marshm610 | 18

#7417034 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:12

Shut her up quick lol

By Rammer3500 | 23

#7417039 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:27

Some people have crappy jobs
You seem to have a pissy job

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7417040 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:32

I never understood baby talking to animals or babies. so hopefully the pup was smart and started peeing about when you started talking so you'd shut up. also, how high was he that he was able to pee on your face and in your mouth?

By kirby1964 | 20

#7417041 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:48

Your fault. You should know that will happen with puppies.

By species4872 | 19

#7417062 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:44

Wouldn't have happened with a cat. The cat just would have latched onto your face and scratched the shit out of you.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#7417065 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:48

Looks like you're that dog's bitch now.

By Talis99 | 26

#7417187 - Monday 27 February 2017 11:00

Are you new at dog handling? Could have seen that coming.

By Cali | 54

#7417262 - Monday 27 February 2017 12:40

I can't believe no one's made a 'golden shower' joke yet. Disappointed.

By Kaalschneid | 21

#7417417 - Monday 27 February 2017 18:06

Note to author: keep other's genitals away from your face that do not, and even most that do, wear the same collars as you.

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#7417630 - Tuesday 28 February 2017 0:56

Better to be pissed off than ... never mind.