Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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Family values

Time for the ER

Capitalism kills

By lizzy1843 - 26/1/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

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By pootythe5th - 30/8/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

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By Noname - 9/2/2009 23:47 - United States

Today, I was talking with some of my friends who are girls. They were all complaining about how there was no good boys left to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Hoping for an invite I mentioned I was still availiable. They just laughed at me and invited me to come dress shopping with them. FML

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By AbhorrentApplication - 28/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By Username - 9/6/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML

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By footscratching - 28/1/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

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By marymark - 13/4/2012 01:02 - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Jenievonteese - 12/6/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

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By chloecamp - 15/7/2014 03:35 - United States - Ellington

Today, every house in my neighborhood was vandalized. They skipped our house. Everybody thinks it was me. FML

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By random - 29/4/2013 21:11 - Canada

Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

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By Sick As Hell - 27/4/2016 07:22 - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By talkssuck - 30/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By Meg93 - 26/6/2019 23:00

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

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By Anon - 31/10/2009 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I invited my very animal phobic boyfriend over. I have a dog and a rabbit, who are always well behaved so I insisted they wouldn't do him any harm. My dog peed all over his shoes and my rabbit furiously humped his leg and wouldn't let go. He's now even more terrified of animals. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 03:29 - Australia

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 13:15 - United States

Today, I learned that just because the actual part of the pan that does touch the stove isn't hot doesn't mean that the handle won't give you third degree burns, a broken nose from passing out from the pain, and an expensive trip to the emergency room. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 07:45 - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By Milo - 21/2/2017 08:00 - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By haileypaige123 - 6/2/2012 15:32 - United States

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

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By Aether - 3/6/2014 22:51 - United States - Lake Jackson

Today, I got to explain to someone that "enjoying the warm, rich aromas of fecal matter" is not a good subject to use as an ice breaker for making friends. FML

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By heartbroke - 3/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

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By Jeremy - 10/5/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

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By dancer101 - 4/2/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

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By Lookalike - 12/5/2014 14:38 - United States - Nitro

Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2016 14:15 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

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By WellOops - 18/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

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By bleh - 27/11/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2011 03:23

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

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By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 08:57 - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By ice4eva - 21/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

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By jcooh0lla - 24/7/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he suddenly stopped and walked to the kitchen. He decided to bake chocolate chip cookies in the midst of our intimacy. However, he told me we could still continue while the oven preheated. FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - 7/4/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Sad nerd - 5/1/2013 17:09 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML

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By sexualpopcorn - 21/12/2014 03:37 - United States - San Diego

Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said "see ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I called her ugly. FML

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Top comments

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#7417026 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:03

He obviously didn't like the baby talking

By Rammer3500 | 23

#7417039 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:27

Some people have crappy jobs
You seem to have a pissy job

COMMENTS

By Tomato_Cheese | 22

#7417026 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:03

He obviously didn't like the baby talking

Reply

marshm610 | 18

#7417034 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:12

Shut her up quick lol

By Rammer3500 | 23

#7417039 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:27

Some people have crappy jobs
You seem to have a pissy job

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7417040 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:32

I never understood baby talking to animals or babies. so hopefully the pup was smart and started peeing about when you started talking so you'd shut up. also, how high was he that he was able to pee on your face and in your mouth?

By kirby1964 | 20

#7417041 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:48

Your fault. You should know that will happen with puppies.

By species4872 | 19

#7417062 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:44

Wouldn't have happened with a cat. The cat just would have latched onto your face and scratched the shit out of you.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#7417065 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:48

Looks like you're that dog's bitch now.

By Talis99 | 26

#7417187 - Monday 27 February 2017 11:00

Are you new at dog handling? Could have seen that coming.

By Cali | 54

#7417262 - Monday 27 February 2017 12:40

I can't believe no one's made a 'golden shower' joke yet. Disappointed.

By Kaalschneid | 21

#7417417 - Monday 27 February 2017 18:06

Note to author: keep other's genitals away from your face that do not, and even most that do, wear the same collars as you.

By bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#7417630 - Tuesday 28 February 2017 0:56

Better to be pissed off than ... never mind.