Miscellaneous: Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage... - FML

By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By Sunny - Canada - Ottawa

Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML

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By Stupidteach - United States

Today, I asked my father for some help paying my college tuition. He told me he'd help me after I become more accredited than he is. My father has 2 PHDs. I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher. FML

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By Tireddddddd - United States

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

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By TheStroker

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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By angel grace

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

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By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Amboy

Today, it was my last day at school before I graduate next week. Ten minutes into lunch break, I was brutally nailed in the neck by a football. Now, not only do I look like I was given a hickey by the Jolly Green Giant himself, I have to wear a neck brace at my graduation ceremony. FML

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By coop42 - United States - Hortonville

Today, my boyfriend was playing with my hair, when his hand got caught. He ended up ripping out a handful of hair trying to get it free. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

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By charliesangel123 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Clairmont

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 05:01

That's… a strange coincidence

Today, my boyfriend of three years hooked up with a girl who got herpes from a Michigan football player. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my serious boyfriend of two years at a restaurant. He was sitting with another girl. I went over and asked him who she was. He replied, "Who are you?" Apparently I was the secret girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Ribonuke211 - 12/8/2020 02:02

Territorial pissings

Today, I was menaced by a shirtless crackhead with an aluminum bat for, "parking in the wrong parking lot" - not parking spot, parking LOT - while delivering pizza to one of many nearby apartment buildings. I'm not allowed to carry a weapon to defend myself, unless I wanna shell out $75 for a Mag flashlight. FML

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By 4fucksake - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By lovingthis - United States - Largo

Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML

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By RightInTheFace - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

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By mommy - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

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By thisrllysucks - United States

Today, I was going to ask this girl I love to homecoming. I set up a scavenger hunt, and my friend led her through it. At the end of the scavenger hunt I had a note that said, "Homecoming?" She said yes and hugged my friend. When I told her it was me who was asking, she laughed and said no. FML

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By ZeroLuck - United States - Miami

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

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By kerensa - Australia - Mornington

Today, a lady threw a coke bottle at my head because she had a non-winning lottery ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By toothache - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

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By harambae - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got married to the love of my life, with whom I've been with for 5 years. It's also one of the 3 times a year where he's got so drunk that, instead of puking in the bed like last time, he puked all over the side of my car while I was driving us home. FML

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By pacelily - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

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By Revalation - United States

Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML

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By cashier - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

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Top comments

By PlutoSA | 0

#1430156 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:09

That's the kind of story that ends in a couple of years with "and then she took everything. The house, the kids, the car, and my dog, Princeton."

By northernlass | 7

#1431003 - Monday 20 September 2010 17:11

I got up from my bench and pushed her off the stage by her forehead. I didn't hear what song she requested; she was too drunk to get out the whole title. I had to threaten to break her nose with one of her designer shoes and her out of the club before she left me alone.

I know I deserve it for not playing a cooler instrument. By the way - how are y'all's solo electric guitar/solo drum gigs going?

COMMENTS

By denbeste | 3

#1430149 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:07

did she get one?

Reply

ilovenerds_ | 1

#1430224 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:39

How did you sing with a busted lip?

Reply

sheribb | 5

#1430235 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:41

what song did she request ? that is the main concern here!

Reply

natvv | 0

#1430650 - Monday 20 September 2010 15:58

"busted me mouth" ??
Arghh, ye mateys.

Reply

natvv | 0

#1430656 - Monday 20 September 2010 16:00

Scratch that, I read it wrong :S
:P

Reply

I_iz_special | 0

#1431510 - Monday 20 September 2010 19:40

you know the op is a girl right

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1431596 - Monday 20 September 2010 20:04

wait wait wait... this is a repeat FML!! I KNOW that I have read this in the random section!

Reply

xJASMINEx | 0

#1432442 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 1:15

fail, Hey!! u live in Vegas too?

Reply

Sammiches | 12

#3410712 - Sunday 9 October 2011 22:54

I'd tell her to go fuck herself

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5646804 - Wednesday 28 August 2013 0:34

Ugh, I hate it when people act a fool when they're drunk. She should "accidentally" trip her again and smack her in the head with her mic.

By PlutoSA | 0

#1430156 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:09

That's the kind of story that ends in a couple of years with "and then she took everything. The house, the kids, the car, and my dog, Princeton."

Reply

Action_Bastard | 0

#1430344 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:27

lmao love this.

By FYLDeep | 25

#1430184 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:19

Freeeeeeee Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!!!!!

Reply

ahhnonomhisdude | 0

#1430375 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:37

that is some funny shit.

By FrEsHpRiNcE916 | 0

#1430189 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:21

that's some loyalty

By bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#1430231 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:40

You watched her do all this. Why didn't you at least move you head to the side?

By thegoodlife101 | 0

#1430268 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:58

a song thatll keep you fistpumping all night long???

By tchaikovsky93 | 0

#1430318 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:17

"She requested a song." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

By hcovballer247 | 0

#1430325 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:18

Oohhh that sucks! Gotta love drunkies.. Jk jk

By Jimboom | 11

#1430346 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:28

Tell her "I got a song for you right here, it's called crazy drunk bitch all up in my shit"

Reply

nycy | 0

#1434440 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 8:02

lmao

By DocBastard | 38

#1430486 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:33

But it's all ok because you saw her naked after the show, right? Right??

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4482436 - Saturday 26 May 2012 3:54

It's a girl..

Reply

st333ph | 12

#4991063 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:08

Could be a lesbian