Miscellaneous: Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage... - FML

By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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Sounds lovely

"Life is unfair…"

Squatters' rights

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my sons 3rd grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my 5th story window. FML

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By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By Toast514 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

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By wtf

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

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By amythest - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning because I had the symptoms and my detector was going off. I called the fire dept, they checked me, they checked my apartment. My apartment is fine; I'm just out of shape, have high blood pressure, and don't know how to work simple electronics. FML

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By WTF - Poland - Wroclaw

Today, I was driving to work and stopped at a stop light. A full 2 or 3 seconds passed, followed by a car rear-ending me. The idiot driving it got out and gave me hell, calling me a maniac because I braked "too quickly" and didn't give him a chance to react. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Ketchup - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

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By thatsjustlovely - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

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By obviously a scumbag criminal

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By Riskreh - United States

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

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By I weep for our future generation

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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By owned - United States

Today, while babysitting, the little boy explained to me why I was single, reasons such as 'unattractive' and 'not the girlfriend type'. I cried. FML

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By iloveZELOS - United States

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

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By Celina - United States

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

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By parasheeeet - United States - Birmingham

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

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By crétin-crédule - France - Isle

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

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By icybrent94 - United Kingdom - Arlesey

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

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By omgitserika - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By assassinmaster

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

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By sandra - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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By Goobie - United States

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

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By janused - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my dad still refuses to repay the loan I gave him. I've just barely managed to pay my bills, and I'm now so poor that I'll have to survive the next 3 days until my next paycheck by eating the only thing left in my fridge: a jar of cheese whiz. FML

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By Youtube drama sucks - 4/2/2021 22:58

YouTube Drama

Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

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By UNmarried - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

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By SleeplessInSoCal - United States

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

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By Australian Lifeguard - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

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By lakb

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

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By lala456 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2021 02:01

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

Today, I finally told my mom that it hurts me every time she calls me fat. She got offended that I'm offended. Now our whole entire extended family wants me to say sorry to her and them, because apparently they also call me fat behind my back. I'm a size small by the way. FML

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By Elizabeh - Canada

Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML

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Top comments

By PlutoSA | 0

#1430156 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:09

That's the kind of story that ends in a couple of years with "and then she took everything. The house, the kids, the car, and my dog, Princeton."

By northernlass | 7

#1431003 - Monday 20 September 2010 17:11

I got up from my bench and pushed her off the stage by her forehead. I didn't hear what song she requested; she was too drunk to get out the whole title. I had to threaten to break her nose with one of her designer shoes and her out of the club before she left me alone.

I know I deserve it for not playing a cooler instrument. By the way - how are y'all's solo electric guitar/solo drum gigs going?

COMMENTS

By denbeste | 3

#1430149 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:07

did she get one?

Reply

ilovenerds_ | 1

#1430224 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:39

How did you sing with a busted lip?

Reply

sheribb | 5

#1430235 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:41

what song did she request ? that is the main concern here!

Reply

natvv | 0

#1430650 - Monday 20 September 2010 15:58

"busted me mouth" ??
Arghh, ye mateys.

Reply

natvv | 0

#1430656 - Monday 20 September 2010 16:00

Scratch that, I read it wrong :S
:P

Reply

I_iz_special | 0

#1431510 - Monday 20 September 2010 19:40

you know the op is a girl right

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1431596 - Monday 20 September 2010 20:04

wait wait wait... this is a repeat FML!! I KNOW that I have read this in the random section!

Reply

xJASMINEx | 0

#1432442 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 1:15

fail, Hey!! u live in Vegas too?

Reply

Sammiches | 12

#3410712 - Sunday 9 October 2011 22:54

I'd tell her to go fuck herself

Reply

Caitie_kid | 8

#5646804 - Wednesday 28 August 2013 0:34

Ugh, I hate it when people act a fool when they're drunk. She should "accidentally" trip her again and smack her in the head with her mic.

By PlutoSA | 0

#1430156 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:09

That's the kind of story that ends in a couple of years with "and then she took everything. The house, the kids, the car, and my dog, Princeton."

Reply

Action_Bastard | 0

#1430344 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:27

lmao love this.

By FYLDeep | 25

#1430184 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:19

Freeeeeeee Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!!!!!

Reply

ahhnonomhisdude | 0

#1430375 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:37

that is some funny shit.

By FrEsHpRiNcE916 | 0

#1430189 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:21

that's some loyalty

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#1430231 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:40

You watched her do all this. Why didn't you at least move you head to the side?

By thegoodlife101 | 0

#1430268 - Monday 20 September 2010 12:58

a song thatll keep you fistpumping all night long???

By tchaikovsky93 | 0

#1430318 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:17

"She requested a song." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

By hcovballer247 | 0

#1430325 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:18

Oohhh that sucks! Gotta love drunkies.. Jk jk

By Jimboom | 11

#1430346 - Monday 20 September 2010 13:28

Tell her "I got a song for you right here, it's called crazy drunk bitch all up in my shit"

Reply

nycy | 0

#1434440 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 8:02

lmao

By DocBastard | 38

#1430486 - Monday 20 September 2010 14:33

But it's all ok because you saw her naked after the show, right? Right??

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4482436 - Saturday 26 May 2012 3:54

It's a girl..

Reply

st333ph | 12

#4991063 - Monday 1 October 2012 9:08

Could be a lesbian