Kids: Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered...

By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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Kids

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Persona non grata

By RandomLG94 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

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By satanlovesme - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By Brokeandangry

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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By ohforchristssake - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Freebie - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

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By gasbrain - 5/9/2020 20:06

Buyer's market

Today, after being unemployed for a couple of months, I got a call back from a security job I did for a week. But with a new condition: besides the security work, one day in the week they want me to cut grass, paint and clean up the grounds for the same minimum wage. FML

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By stillpoor - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By nobodywasthere

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 02:07

Father material

Today, according to my husband, if I die first he won’t be looking after my son from a previous marriage. Either my sister will have to take him or he’ll go into foster care. He doesn’t want kids of his own, so he’ll be dammed if he has to look after someone else’s just because I’m dead. FML

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By ow - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By iamnotfat - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By tired of my job - Canada - Surrey

Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML

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By Lace - United States

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By notsohot - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

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By pipefitter28 - Canada - Vernon

Today, I tried to impress a girl at the gym on the squat rack, but let out a big fart. She was grossed out and laughed at me with her friends. Her boyfriend came over and told me I was a dead man, and I'd better leave. I'm now the proud owner of a year membership at a gym I can't go to. FML

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By teejayrn - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that made my life a living hell for 3 years, who was demoted 6 weeks ago and transferred to another store, was transferred back to us as a salesperson. Now we work side by side 42 hours a week on the same exact schedule. FML

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By smiles - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML

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By sadgirl

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, my manager bailed on me during the afternoon rush; swamped and distracted, I cut off the pad of my thumb in a cheese slicer. Some clinic hours later I returned, hungry and sick with blood loss, to sign WC papers. Manager's only words: "You're staying late to cover your long break, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML

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By Samson - United States

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

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By greenandswirly - United States - Columbia City

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn't hurt so much. Now I can't even go for a leisurely walk. FML

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By Full Stomach Empty Wallet - United States - Danvers

Today, I discovered that the five-star meal that my friend treated me to last night was actually meant to be repayment of the $200 I loaned her last month. I needed that money for bills and she refuses to give me another cent. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 17:02

Boozehound

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

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By rockefoe - United States

What have you done this time?

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the imperial fist of spring allergies knocked me flat on my ass. The time I was going to spend at the outdoor concert I paid $80 for was instead spent in my car, driving back home. FML

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By Big Baby

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By Stingraybeemonster - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

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By numbnuts - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

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By Falouila - France

Today, I picked up my computer which had been at the repair shop for two weeks. I quickly logged on to MSN to talk to the girl who I'd been hitting on for weeks. Her profile picture was a photo of herself with her new boyfriend. FML

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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Top comments

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

COMMENTS

By heartless_fml | 6

#1491848 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:08

sucks.

sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1491984 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:34

Ring the doorbell again and when he answers say, "Oh crap, it's YOU" and walk away

KingDingALing | 9

#1491998 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:37

BURNED by a 5 year old!! :p

deathcab7 | 0

#1494488 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:19

another reason why to love little kids...

aeroliontvw | 4

#1496314 - Monday 4 October 2010 11:01

it's because they're so cute!

DerrickJames | 33

#5342149 - Sunday 27 January 2013 11:29

All little kids are evil!

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

cole86 | 0

#1491979 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:33

and u must be right for sore

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492551 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:20

& you're better?

failblorg | 0

#1494481 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:17

muuuuuuuuch better :D

By Rokksteady | 3

#1491861 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:10

Owned!

randomchickkk | 0

#1492246 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:41

by a 5 year old.

HackerD00d | 0

#1492479 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:11

nice tits ^

By irox98 | 0

#1491867 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

pownage

By mahimalil | 0

#1491876 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

mean !!
tell your friend !!!

twinny_sc | 13

#1492364 - Sunday 3 October 2010 18:33

Yes, the OP can tattle on the 5-year-old kid. Sounds awesome and mature!

mahimalil | 0

#1493621 - Monday 4 October 2010 1:05

No the OP tells her friend so she can deal with him.

By mr_mccarthy | 0

#1491878 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

well you do live in victoria.......

By Crimsonhead | 0

#1491879 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

He's 5... kids say shit like that. I'm pretty sure your life is not fucked.

Loviinqx3 | 0

#1492153 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:13

Still not a pleasant thing to be greeted to :(

By xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1491890 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

Well, I guess your a social reject now. It was scientifically proven by a 5 year old.

xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1492062 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:47

*You're

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

By deathnotedeluxe | 0

#1491896 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:13

ydi for having friends with kids. they suck, get new friends with no kids. or friends with better kids.

Hoplaka | 0

#1492264 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:48

WTF? Almost all of my friends have kids and some of them are rude but still you didn't have to say that.

spanelli | 16

#1492503 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

Death Note. <33 Kids do suck. The only kid I like is my nephew, because he's cool. :p