Kids: Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered...

By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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Kids

Vulture

Zoom this, bitches!

No Gods, No Masters

By mnote - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By puppielover - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

The Trifecta

Today, after blacking out from fever, I found out that the reason I've been feeling so sick is that I've somehow come down with pneumonia, strep, and the common cold all at the same time. FML

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By I'm so sorry...

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

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By Leigha - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

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By LicenseLoser

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By cestquoicebordel?? - France

Today, my fiancée showed me her wedding plans. It will be themed on one of her video games, the best man will be dressed as an alien warlord, and the vows talk about how we'll beat the odds and be blessed by the "Goddess Kalahira". Apparently, I have no say in this. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

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By LostFocus - United States

Today, after five months of working overtime and doing my own repairs around the house, such as patching my own roof to save money, I walk into my home office. I find my $2500, week old, top of the line laptop won't turn on because it's drenched in water. Apparently there's a leak in the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blairstown

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

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By no - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

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By UrbanCass - United States

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

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By Christmasloverandstuff - United States

Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML

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By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By ocroyalty - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sounds healthy

Today, a girl that I've been falling for told me that she's married. But not to worry, that "won't get in the way of 'us'." FML

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1640

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By Brittany - United States

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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By JohnBlack - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By Go away - United States - Humboldt

Today, after doing vigorous chores all day with my girlfriend, her mom came and paid us each $100. My girlfriend cried and threw a fit because she said they were her chores, so she deserves all the money. FML

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By dump truck hater - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valencia

It's not what you think!

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

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By Bonapp - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

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By streaker? - Germany - Langenhagen

Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

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By Albert - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

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Top comments

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

COMMENTS

By heartless_fml | 6

#1491848 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:08

sucks.

sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1491984 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:34

Ring the doorbell again and when he answers say, "Oh crap, it's YOU" and walk away

KingDingALing | 9

#1491998 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:37

BURNED by a 5 year old!! :p

deathcab7 | 0

#1494488 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:19

another reason why to love little kids...

aeroliontvw | 4

#1496314 - Monday 4 October 2010 11:01

it's because they're so cute!

DerrickJames | 33

#5342149 - Sunday 27 January 2013 11:29

All little kids are evil!

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

cole86 | 0

#1491979 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:33

and u must be right for sore

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492551 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:20

& you're better?

failblorg | 0

#1494481 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:17

muuuuuuuuch better :D

By Rokksteady | 3

#1491861 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:10

Owned!

randomchickkk | 0

#1492246 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:41

by a 5 year old.

HackerD00d | 0

#1492479 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:11

nice tits ^

By irox98 | 0

#1491867 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

pownage

By mahimalil | 0

#1491876 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

mean !!
tell your friend !!!

twinny_sc | 13

#1492364 - Sunday 3 October 2010 18:33

Yes, the OP can tattle on the 5-year-old kid. Sounds awesome and mature!

mahimalil | 0

#1493621 - Monday 4 October 2010 1:05

No the OP tells her friend so she can deal with him.

By mr_mccarthy | 0

#1491878 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

well you do live in victoria.......

By Crimsonhead | 0

#1491879 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

He's 5... kids say shit like that. I'm pretty sure your life is not fucked.

Loviinqx3 | 0

#1492153 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:13

Still not a pleasant thing to be greeted to :(

By xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1491890 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

Well, I guess your a social reject now. It was scientifically proven by a 5 year old.

xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1492062 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:47

*You're

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

By deathnotedeluxe | 0

#1491896 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:13

ydi for having friends with kids. they suck, get new friends with no kids. or friends with better kids.

Hoplaka | 0

#1492264 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:48

WTF? Almost all of my friends have kids and some of them are rude but still you didn't have to say that.

spanelli | 16

#1492503 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

Death Note. <33 Kids do suck. The only kid I like is my nephew, because he's cool. :p