Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered...

By notyouagain - 3/10/2010 07:40 - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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Kids

Headache

Higher standards

Ant life

By i suck, this i know :( - 26/7/2013 22:11 - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

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By looking4newvenue - 23/2/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Is that even possible?

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By whotouchedyou1 - 26/8/2014 02:37 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - 11/6/2015 13:44 - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By ScienceFail - 25/7/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - 3/11/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By squishyboy - 26/5/2009 08:23 - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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By man-period? - 2/3/2016 06:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

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By piliseep - 3/10/2017 04:30

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

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By Anon - 22/3/2012 23:32 - United States - Stony Point

Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving home from work an old homeless man stepped out on front of my car. As I slammed on the brakes the man threw a bag of poo at my windscreen and shouted "Praise The Lord!" before carrying on as if nothing had happened. FML

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By pixiebubz - 6/10/2011 03:59 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 21:50 - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

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By lateralligator - 14/9/2019 02:02

Elvis has left the building

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

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By 800z - 16/8/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

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By Petridishoflove - 20/1/2009 06:12 - Hong Kong

Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML

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By witt75 - 23/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By FrickingBusDrivers - 22/5/2015 01:55 - United States - Farmington

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

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By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - 1/7/2011 19:23 - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

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By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By anonymous001 - 8/1/2013 19:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 22:28 - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 10:45 - Russian Federation

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

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By meep - 16/3/2017 00:00

Today, as I was walking to wash my hands after using the restroom, the guy walking away from the sink flicked water from his hands towards the floor. Water splashed all over my beige shorts. I had to walk back into class looking like I'd peed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Bittie

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

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By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

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By roommateprobssss:( - 11/12/2012 15:57 - United States

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

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By Lookalike - 12/5/2014 14:38 - United States - Nitro

Today, three different strangers stopped me on the street and asked if I was Brad Pitt. Either there's some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm the world's ugliest woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 20:43 - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By hunnydoll - 18/8/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By [email protected] - 3/1/2009 08:38 - France

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

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By mario - 2/3/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

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By Jess - 20/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 14:03

Almost there

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

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Top comments

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

COMMENTS

By heartless_fml | 6

#1491848 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:08

sucks.

sarahalyssa_fml | 0

#1491984 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:34

Ring the doorbell again and when he answers say, "Oh crap, it's YOU" and walk away

KingDingALing | 9

#1491998 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:37

BURNED by a 5 year old!! :p

deathcab7 | 0

#1494488 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:19

another reason why to love little kids...

aeroliontvw | 4

#1496314 - Monday 4 October 2010 11:01

it's because they're so cute!

DerrickJames | 33

#5342149 - Sunday 27 January 2013 11:29

All little kids are evil!

By failblorg | 0

#1491854 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:09

lmaoo you must be extremely annoying

cole86 | 0

#1491979 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:33

and u must be right for sore

HahaHokayThen | 10

#1492551 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:20

& you're better?

failblorg | 0

#1494481 - Monday 4 October 2010 3:17

muuuuuuuuch better :D

By Rokksteady | 3

#1491861 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:10

Owned!

randomchickkk | 0

#1492246 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:41

by a 5 year old.

HackerD00d | 0

#1492479 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:11

nice tits ^

By irox98 | 0

#1491867 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

pownage

By mahimalil | 0

#1491876 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:11

mean !!
tell your friend !!!

twinny_sc | 13

#1492364 - Sunday 3 October 2010 18:33

Yes, the OP can tattle on the 5-year-old kid. Sounds awesome and mature!

mahimalil | 0

#1493621 - Monday 4 October 2010 1:05

No the OP tells her friend so she can deal with him.

By mr_mccarthy | 0

#1491878 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

well you do live in victoria.......

By Crimsonhead | 0

#1491879 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

He's 5... kids say shit like that. I'm pretty sure your life is not fucked.

Loviinqx3 | 0

#1492153 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:13

Still not a pleasant thing to be greeted to :(

By xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1491890 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

Well, I guess your a social reject now. It was scientifically proven by a 5 year old.

xAznNinjaGuy | 0

#1492062 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:47

*You're

By DocBastard | 38

#1491892 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:12

So spank him. Done.

By deathnotedeluxe | 0

#1491896 - Sunday 3 October 2010 16:13

ydi for having friends with kids. they suck, get new friends with no kids. or friends with better kids.

Hoplaka | 0

#1492264 - Sunday 3 October 2010 17:48

WTF? Almost all of my friends have kids and some of them are rude but still you didn't have to say that.

spanelli | 16

#1492503 - Sunday 3 October 2010 19:14

Death Note. <33 Kids do suck. The only kid I like is my nephew, because he's cool. :p