Animals: Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with... - FML

By nk - 03/11/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 489

You deserved it 12 002

Empathy lives

Two things that aren't the same

Drama alert!

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 01:59 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 820

You deserved it 1 932

Car Wars

By no car - 04/08/2020 17:04

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 361

By unemployed - 09/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 700

You deserved it 368

By M - 23/05/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 054

You deserved it 43 301

By baby shak - 14/01/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 702

You deserved it 6 261

By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 778

You deserved it 30 193

By estranger - 03/01/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 031

You deserved it 3 709

By lonethong15 - 08/08/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 687

You deserved it 3 896

By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 632

You deserved it 3 909

Callous

By CancerFreeLoader - 02/10/2021 14:00

Today, I found out that the giant tumour on my leg isn’t cancerous or dangerous. My mom cried, and I was super relieved. Later on, I heard her on the phone in tears because now she won’t be able to get a free vacation or home renovations from the Make A Wish foundation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 53

By Aaron - 14/05/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 963

You deserved it 3 712

Happy Caturday!

By cat lady - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 939

You deserved it 11 720

By chickfilady - 29/07/2016 03:10

Spicy

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 945

You deserved it 2 273

By badwolf - 04/09/2012 20:34 - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 642

You deserved it 4 129

By Taylor - 15/07/2012 14:42 - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 930

You deserved it 32 816

By all5fingers - 08/09/2011 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 545

You deserved it 3 227

By Anonymous - 03/10/2013 05:24 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 587

You deserved it 5 570

By ihatekids - 14/07/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 843

You deserved it 1 188

By heycutie - 15/04/2014 04:24 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 891

You deserved it 7 240

By Anonymous - 25/05/2018 01:30

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 057

You deserved it 553

By chaos2007 - 13/05/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 155

You deserved it 5 096

By Chris - 13/02/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 825

You deserved it 7 353

More cowbell

By Piitaaraq Vaisanen - 24/09/2021 05:00

Today, I was editing sound on a recording of a live music show. The woman who hired me said she wanted less reverb. I told her that this is how the recording was and I can't magically remove acoustic reverb from something recorded in a church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 64

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:04

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I got busted by the cops having sex in a dark parking lot near the beach. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket, one of the cops peeks into the car window and I hear my girlfriend awkwardly giggle and say, "Hi daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 645

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 349

You deserved it 92 552

By slugitha - 16/03/2016 10:23 - United States

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 344

You deserved it 1 829

Considerate

By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 222

You deserved it 3 832

By lalalalalala - 17/03/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 732

You deserved it 3 715

By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 728

You deserved it 5 423

By Smoothskin - 19/09/2013 21:18 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 225

You deserved it 3 925

By Anonymous - 12/08/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 149

By devigsgirl - 26/08/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 773

You deserved it 5 943

By nattnatt73 - 10/09/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 785

You deserved it 1 858

By Em - 15/10/2009 06:12 - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 238

You deserved it 3 606

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 14:58 - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 270

You deserved it 7 558

Gummy

By speechless - 02/11/2010 17:20 - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 872

You deserved it 3 733

By single now - 26/02/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 341

You deserved it 4 290

By Taraa3 - 10/10/2009 10:19 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 5 021

By ash - 04/01/2011 21:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 810

You deserved it 14 765

By ivegotapackage - 05/01/2015 23:47 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 061

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Top comments

SmallTownCutie 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:06

aww it's ok. you're just lonely.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:12

awesome!! are you gonna find a giant peach now? haha

Comments

SmallTownCutie 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:06

aww it's ok. you're just lonely.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:02

how did he get in your room with only one leg?

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:09

27. she ripped it off so he couldn't escape and gave him a sombrero and named him poncho

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:11

Pity train is so annoying. You're pathetic.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:24

no, you are 34,

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:25

I'm so loneeeyyy I'm mr lonelyyyy I hot nobodyyy -something something something- haha op name it Paco REMEMBER TO FEED IT

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:29

The exoskeleton has been broken. He has approximately one to two days to live. Say "bye" to your best friend before it's too late.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:43

Such a lonely day, and it's yours. The most loneliest day of your life.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 14:00

Such a lonely day shouldn't exist.

harryman_bamf 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 14:14

crickets only live for 3 weeks max.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 15:38

and if your cricket dies, you're gonna die with it.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 16:16

I'd get insurance now for funeral expenses. It won't be long.

iSitt 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 20:51

if it's legs were working it would leave too

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Thursday 4 November 2010 0:05

or sunny muffins

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Thursday 4 November 2010 3:06

Well you had better have named it Jiminey!

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Thursday 4 November 2010 4:34

Says the fugly

EricErection69 0

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Thursday 4 November 2010 5:17

what's it's name?!

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Thursday 4 November 2010 6:41

it's a day that I'll never miss

SexyGamerNerd110 8

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Thursday 4 November 2010 10:11

@32: she's Anne Wilkes? shouldn't she have named the cricket Paul Sheldon then? o.O

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Sunday 11 September 2011 19:36

145 - man with boobs?

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:07

A lucky cricket?

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:08

jiminy cricket?

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Thursday 5 April 2012 17:39

Probably not since it only has one leg!

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Monday 4 June 2012 20:38

Am I the only one thinking of MULAN?

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Tuesday 24 May 2016 4:36

Dude SAME

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:07

*crickets* *crickets*

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Thursday 4 November 2010 3:05

win

HeyDontReadThis 0

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Sunday 7 November 2010 8:33

forever alone

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:08

aww that's ok nothing wrong with animal friends=)

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:27

Still, I would suggest OP to take a real pet instead of a criple cricket.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:29

yes, I think she should get a puppy of kitty, OPs Fml actually made me so upset, I've never felt lonely, because I live my family but truly this made me feel horrible.

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Thursday 4 November 2010 7:20

alliteration win ^

yehr 0

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Wednesday 2 March 2011 14:35

lol agree ce-yute!! mr cricket :D

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Sunday 16 October 2011 3:21

Agreed I have a animal friend... Betsy the spider

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:12

awesome!! are you gonna find a giant peach now? haha

zjnat 1

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 2:34

hahaha nice one lol

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Tuesday 25 October 2011 2:25

Lol funny

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:12

Either enjoy it, or change it.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:12

I wonder what kind of conversations op had with this cricket...

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 14:09

I'm willing to bet it had something to do with only having the one leg. That's gotta be a talking point. I know i'd atleast complain about it a couple of times.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:13

Is his name Uno or what homie

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:00

Ahahahaha

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:01

u Asian

lolmaster7654321 4

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Tuesday 14 June 2011 15:58

nooooooo bob-carl-fred-george

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:13

YDI. Go out and meet some people, get a life!

fuckmylifeover 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 15:48

dumbass

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Friday 5 November 2010 3:45

yeah.. that's so pathetic it's funny

manatees_r_epic 0

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Thursday 27 January 2011 4:11

#10, Moron

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:16

the poor cricket I don't think even trained professionals bring paid to listen to u would do it for three hours... let him go, just cause ur life is lane and boring doesn't mean his is... he's missing a leg, he has suffered enough

tencentsakiss 19

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Thursday 4 November 2010 1:44

Letting him go wouldn't help him.. he's not missing one leg, he only has one left. I don't think he could go anywhere. Poor thing :(

tencentsakiss 19

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Thursday 4 November 2010 1:44

Letting him go wouldn't help him.. he's not missing one leg, he only has one left. I don't think he could go anywhere. Poor thing :(

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 4

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 656

You deserved it 87

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 159