Health: Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me...

By unknown - 12/06/2013 17:33 - United States - Tulare

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 909

You deserved it 4 469

Health

Hiding from the drama

BO Central

Health hazard

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 00:29 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 396

You deserved it 1 819

By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 3 709

By snotface - 23/04/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 336

You deserved it 8 798

By notsomuchinlove - 07/08/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 019

You deserved it 7 581

By Anonymous - 14/07/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 612

You deserved it 6 211

Student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 09:58 - United States - Steele

Today, my son's "favorite" teacher went on a tirade criticizing my "awful" parenting. About two months ago, my son got her fired after he reported her to the principal for forcing him to miss out on lunch to finish a project. Apparently, that wasn't the first time she did something like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 88

By ihavenothing - 18/02/2011 14:47 - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 660

You deserved it 5 258

By temp - 21/10/2016 00:36

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 827

You deserved it 683

By whydoihavecats - 04/08/2015 19:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 440

You deserved it 2 643

By Anonymous - 22/08/2013 17:56 - Philippines - Dasmari?as

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 444

You deserved it 3 147

By grrrr - 12/02/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Feeling bad, I texted him a few hours later apologizing. He said it was fine and that he went ahead and picked up a girl from the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 105

You deserved it 48 097

By insomniac - 19/06/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 245

You deserved it 4 724

A saint

By Anonymous - 14/06/2020 20:07

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 517

You deserved it 189

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

By Sheila Deville - 24/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 191

By Anonymous - 06/09/2012 22:21 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 193

You deserved it 2 078

By Eskyew - 23/07/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 601

You deserved it 8 976

By 404 justice not found - 21/04/2016 19:15 - United States - Whitehall

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 196

You deserved it 1 518

By Bonnie and Clyde - 08/05/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 770

You deserved it 9 198

By taz - 05/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 3 073

Livin' la vida loca

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 08:01

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he can have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 720

Three cheers for the boobies

By Laura - 28/04/2021 11:01

Today, I sent a reply-all email to my entire company that said "Go tit" instead of "Got it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 584

By person_r - 21/07/2009 12:03 - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 528

You deserved it 12 561

By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 406

You deserved it 9 018

Getting frisky

By KindStranger - 04/01/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 944

You deserved it 514

By sigh - 13/04/2016 02:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 745

You deserved it 2 514

Drunken antics

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 06:44 - United States

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 170

You deserved it 3 361

By Heather - 12/11/2012 21:20 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 034

You deserved it 3 203

Oh no.

By Anonymous - 07/01/2018 01:30

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 208

You deserved it 1 597

By Seriouslynow - 22/05/2016 17:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 859

You deserved it 3 002

By Anonymous - 19/07/2013 20:57 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 711

You deserved it 4 801

By mel - 11/05/2012 21:23 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, while in the break room at work, I laughed at a co-worker's joke and started choking on my drink. My boss exclaimed in front of everyone, "We need to teach this girl how to swallow!" to everyone's childish amusement. Now they won't stop calling me Spit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 723

You deserved it 3 117

By seriouslysinglenomingle - 06/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 357

You deserved it 368

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 117

You deserved it 2 509

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 841

You deserved it 65 591

Mind your own business

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 2 979

By Username - 10/10/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, while at Six Flags my boyfriend won a huge stuffed animal for me. After a whole day of carrying it around, when he dropped me off he told me that he wants the stuffed animal back. He just didn't want to carry it around all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 193

You deserved it 3 633

By unsatisfied - 01/02/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, things heated up with the new guy I've been seeing for a couple of weeks, he kept saying things like "I want you so bad" and "it's going to take hours" to the point that I was so hot, I decided to go for it. Apparently he has "a problem sometimes" getting it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 683

You deserved it 3 880

By codizzy - 18/08/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 680

You deserved it 921

By Claustrophobic - 04/04/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 209

You deserved it 2 411

By Anonymous - 29/08/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 829

You deserved it 6 915

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Top comments

CammyGal 26

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:07

And this problem couldn't be fixed with a simple explanation?

cmayer 20

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:08

I don't know how people can be so presumptuous.

CammyGal 26

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:07

And this problem couldn't be fixed with a simple explanation?

Damian95 16

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:23

Sometimes people don't realize they can simply talk things out.

SWhimsynBubbaS 14

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:30

She just escalated things way too quickly...

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:54

You guys are missing the point here, OP got the money! May have lost some dignity but I mean... Dignity comes at a price eh? Eh? Okay :( bye

Poppipuff 14

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Thursday 13 June 2013 3:14

1- Maybe the lady was so pissed op couldn't even say any word, and when he finally explained himself, enough time had passed for him to think: "FML, what a shitty day". I mean if OP could have done anything I don't see why he wouldn't have. Let's not assume and just agree on the lady's bad reaction and say 'people these days'.

SwaggCapone 11

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Thursday 13 June 2013 4:34

That woman sounds extremely conceited

Rommel1942 9

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Thursday 13 June 2013 6:16

'Murica

deathy94 14

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Thursday 13 June 2013 7:12

#79 are we naming random countries and replacing the first letter with ' and the first vowel with u? If so, here I go. 'Unada

jipster 11

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Thursday 13 June 2013 7:49

Just walk away OP. Just walk away.

Reaper1984 13

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Thursday 13 June 2013 8:35

'Urway

Ryuukazuki 7

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Thursday 13 June 2013 17:34

I think the real question is, did she take the "offer"? OP never stated she was angry or anything. Maybe she was flattered and tried to take it. Now OP is left with a creepy stalker who keeps trying to sleep with him. Such a twist!

pinkalicious224 7

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Saturday 15 June 2013 0:22

Someone needs to get over herself…

LanaViolin 10

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:07

People these days...

golden_warrior 23

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:13

People these days have big butts?

Grex_fml 9

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Thursday 13 June 2013 1:08

See it as a food thing....free money!!

deathy94 14

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Thursday 13 June 2013 2:13

... I like big butts and I can not lie...

CommonSenseKarma 17

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Thursday 13 June 2013 2:21

Vain people these days.

therealafroninga 10

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Thursday 13 June 2013 3:00

I bet she skipped a mile afterwards too.

cmayer 20

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:08

I don't know how people can be so presumptuous.

Blue_Black_fml 21

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:33

Most people actually jump to conclusions way too fast..

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Thursday 13 June 2013 2:21

Yeah, I would even understand her assuming him stealing, but trying to sleep with her?

ZeroPath5 16

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Thursday 13 June 2013 2:58

@52 while reading the FML I thought it would go down to that...boy was I wrong

Poppipuff 14

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Thursday 13 June 2013 3:17

How did you think about stealing ?

imtooshy 18

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:09

Did she eventually take her money that she dropped or you were paid for her insult?

BobbieH 19

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:09

I'd say she's really got a problem if the first thought of someone holding cash is trying to solicit sex from her. That's just not normal. FYL OP, you were just treated like a creeper!

golden_warrior 23

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:30

Why do I have a feeling that this actually happened to her before. She may need a wardrobe change or should go easy on the makeup.

Pretty_Pink_Lady 10

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Thursday 13 June 2013 1:06

OR she should wear whatever clothes and makeup she chooses to, but take an additional 5 seconds to assess social interactions she has with people in order to grasp what's happening.

bamagrl410 31

Thursday 13 June 2013 4:35

She obviously has low self esteem. If she views herself poorly, she'll then assume that other people do as well and lash out at them for it in her anger/ insecurity. I'm pretty sure there's a psychological term for it, but I can't remember what it is unfortunately...

ise3 10

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Thursday 13 June 2013 6:45

Anyone else thinking potential porno intro?

cristy91 33

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Thursday 13 June 2013 14:22

Actually, I thought of Pootie Tang "You think that just cuz a girl likes to dress fancy and stand on the corner next to some whores, that she's hookin?"

ervington 8

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:09

What is wrong with paying for sex? Nothing.

jjessen 20

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:30

Everything is wrong about it. The fact that you are willing to spend money on sex as opposed to spending the time to form a relationship with someone is extremely wrong.

KeXu 6

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Thursday 13 June 2013 0:41

Sometimes you just gotta f*ck. As long as you're not in a relationship, and it's mutually-compliant sex, everything's good.

TheDrifter 23

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Thursday 13 June 2013 1:59

Do you buy your significant other gifts? Pay their bills if you make more than them? Then you're paying for sex, this way just eliminates the relationship as a negotiating method.