No Shame

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

Season finale

Minefield

The Summoner

By whovian221b - 25/8/2015 22:46 - United States

25821

2110

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

By Peepants - 3/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Huntsville

18897

4662

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

By Reihna - 15/10/2012 13:10 - United States - Marion

26352

4100

Today, the bladder infection I thought I was over flared up at work, causing me to piss myself, despite having gone twice in the previous hour. I still had to finish my shift, soaked pants and all. FML

By PissyPuss - 10/12/2015 21:38 - United States

23750

1835

Today, a crying kid was brought to my attention by a customer. He was so upset from losing his mom that he couldn't say his name or his moms name. I took him around the store asking him to point out his mom. Once we found her she told me "I was hiding from my kid to test his independence." FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 04:27 - Canada

40580

2790

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

26230

3808

Today, I found out that my friends from high school have yearly meet-ups to catch up and talk about what they've done since school. They've done this for 3 years. I havent even been invited once. FML

By NoFriends - 28/11/2016 02:28 - Australia

9194

836

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

36661

6078

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

By momoffour - 5/12/2010 09:30 - United States

34608

3273

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

By adam - 5/12/2015 14:54 - Czech Republic

26130

1539

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

By nomwar - 17/6/2013 13:55 - United States

46029

14828

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

By fmylyfe - 9/11/2013 14:15 - United States - Saint Paul

47796

3945

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

By sophiae123 - 18/1/2015 03:50 - United States - Cadillac

34312

5267

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

51879

16354

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

By JCC - 18/5/2011 10:57 - United States

35360

13019

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

By somuchforthat - 19/2/2010 07:38 - Australia

35569

2501

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

By BadLuck - 21/12/2015 11:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

22850

1949

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

9676

585

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

By SadSister:( - 11/1/2015 00:15 - United States

34752

3016

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

28207

3397

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

By Sadmom - 17/9/2009 23:58 - United States

42518

5308

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2015 20:41 - United States

34865

3233

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

By airhead2015 - 12/2/2014 17:57 - United States - Morristown

43320

5656

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

26816

5175

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out her second story bedroom window taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned 'My baby's first kiss!' FML

By steven - 28/6/2009 15:53 - Cayman Islands

100962

7258

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

By LennyComa - 19/3/2017 00:00

5470

904

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2014 21:41 - Canada - Saskatoon

50901

10202

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 04:09 - United States - Hudson Falls

28824

4286

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

By Ben - 25/1/2010 03:31 - United States

20212

47578

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

By hater - 16/3/2010 10:55

64128

14790

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

24089

2853

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

45372

13948

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

1679

176

Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML

By let ‘Er rip - 13/10/2019 16:00

The Sweet Smell of Success

1594

499

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 09:42 - United States

37855

10292

Today, I found out that the only reason my parents have been letting me hang out with my friends so late is so they can search my room for drugs. FML

By Armstrong - 18/4/2015 23:55 - United States - Brownsville

31434

3442

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

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50495

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

By Broke - 7/2/2020 05:00 - United States

This is my life

1863

178

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:36 - United States

30904

2329

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

By Mark Allan - 25/3/2012 16:06 - United States - Alexandria

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