No Shame

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be cute to try and pick me up while kissing, instead he tripped and slammed the back of my head on the corner of the wall. FML

Seize the means

Vandals!

Insurance is a scam

By staciedee - United States

35085

4936

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

By wtf1234 - United States

32785

4373

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

By croleymd - United States

8879

27255

Today, I discovered that it is not, in fact, normal for ones hands to randomly stop working sometimes. I thought I was just clumsy. FML

By is. - 8/4/2021 00:30

A bug, not a feature

863

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01 - Canada

Dried out

667

231

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

By Joe - Canada

23208

55968

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. I also found out from her husband that she has her nipples and nether regions pierced. FML

By Disgusted - United States

42926

3772

Today, I was teaching swim lessons. I got felt up by a 6 year old boy. 3 times. FML

By cplaner - United States

33654

5178

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

By Shan007tjuuh - Netherlands

34194

2055

Today, after a tremendously hot night with a guy I met the night before, I ask him his phone number. To which he replied: "What for?" FML

By izoliv - France

38595

10711

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

14497

3255

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

By NoThanksGrandma

27240

4099

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

By wtfman101 - United States

54923

2699

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

By Xpresss - United States

30750

3551

Today, I went to egg my ex-boyfriend's house, after finding out he cheated on me. I covered his house and car with eggs, toilet paper, and silly string. When I went to get back in my car, my keys were locked inside, the alarm went off, and my ex walked outside, with his new girlfriend. FML

By BrutallyBlonde - United States

12762

56251

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

By SplashOuch - United States

28867

7146

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

By Like mother like daughter - United States - Aurora

42338

9404

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

By elisimo - United States

20507

35659

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

By RaYan

33409

75077

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

By Anonymous - United States

38218

3224

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

By stood-up - United States

Where are you? Oh, there you are

38571

4957

Today, I was at the pool when I saw a man eating the food I had ordered near my seat. I immediately ran up to him and asked him to stop stealing my food. I took the food away and threw it in the trash. Seconds later the attendant came out with my actual food. FML

By Hahamaster333

10785

74903

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

By UHLSucksSTL - United States - Saint Louis

11220

741

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

By B-rent - United States

Smells like victory

35958

7052

Today, while going through my daughter’s room, I found a pair of pants with the security tag still attached. My daughter is a thief. FML

By Lucille

Pants on fire

1401

277

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

By Anonymous

1309

250

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Don't do drugs, kids

40696

22341

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

By Noname - United States

32341

92040

Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML

By Arthur B.

Adapt, improvise, overcome

1281

416

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

By pantsareathing - Canada - Elliot Lake

24403

2441

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

By traumatizedforlife - United States

48283

6770

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

By RahiYeah09 - United States

29122

7118

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

By Badam - France - Geaune

48124

4074

Today, I had two customers who had some questions about their phones. Walking over, my cooch graced us with an audible fart sound that I‘m sure everybody heard. FML

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 14:02

Queef Richards

801

110

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate on the bathroom floor. Somehow my nose managed to start bleeding, so he bent me over the tub and kept going because he didn't want to "ruin the moment". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

59627

9783

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

By hadakanbo

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

1606

517

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

By KnightToucan

1512

124

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

By Anonymous

1853

378

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

22883

2822

Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML

By Groomzilla? - Canada - Niagara Falls

35818

3980