Intimacy: Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears.... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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Walk on the wild side

Taking stock

Commando

By Anonymous

Today, in front of our family reunion, my daughter accused me of being a racist because I won't let her date a black man. I do not have a racist bone in my body; this man is an actual gang member and he has killed people before. Nobody believes me. FML

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By Festivaler - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By Dogmom

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on my first date in months. My mum had invited friends over, and when I told them I was going out on a date, my mum said "No you're not, don't lie. Who would go out with you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By heartbrokenl12453

Movie night

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58 - United States - Redmond

Denied

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By eliteslayer29 - United States

Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML

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By melonhead - Australia

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By soontobesingle - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By random guy - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By soso - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

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By BloodyHorror

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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By itsnotthatIhatecharity

Today, I found out that because I, like many others, don't read the terms and conditions, I accidentally donated £200 to a charity because of a non-refundable payment on a volunteering trip. It's my parents' money. FML

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By Bg2466 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

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By pits

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

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By notenough - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

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By no - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

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By Nickolas Neffster - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

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By davav74 - United Kingdom - Ely

Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML

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By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my girlfriend skydiving for her birthday. I insisted on joining her to make it a memory for us both, despite my fear of heights. I passed out twice mid-freefall and had to be saved by the instructor both times. FML

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By -1 friend - United States - Freeport

Today, I was in a big Skype chat, which somehow turned into a heated argument. My friend lost it, typed "your stupid" and called me a "looser." When I pointed out the irony of his messages, he rage-quit, drove all the way to my house, and punched me in the face at the door. FML

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By captainocd - United States

Today, my incredibly self conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML

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By starcatch777 - United States

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

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By mala_19 - 19/9/2020 14:02 - Sweden

The joy of newborn babies

Today, after I, my fiance, and the doctors tried all day to get my son to eat for more than just three minutes straight, he decided to eat for thirty minutes straight in the middle of the night when I just wanted to sleep. FML

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Top comments

By rukusrazor | 0

#209259 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

Shes should know.

By pancakelover | 0

#209250 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:22

WTF MOM!?!?! Moms always say shit at the wrong time...

COMMENTS

By pancakelover | 0

#209250 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:22

WTF MOM!?!?! Moms always say shit at the wrong time...

Reply

ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2513629 - Sunday 15 May 2011 11:25

giggity

By plexico | 3

#209257 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:23

It probably made the men in the car hot for your mom, not you!

By rukusrazor | 0

#209259 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

Shes should know.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853796 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:19

ur a failure hahaha I'm still laughing at u

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853799 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:20

hahahahahahahahahaha

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1107464 - Monday 19 July 2010 0:57

owned

Reply

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1378485 - Thursday 9 September 2010 21:35

omg #1 just made my day(:

Reply

Palirose | 22

#3363713 - Thursday 29 September 2011 7:53

LOL!

By genius_man16 | 0

#209273 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:28

It would have been more awesome if a guy had then walked up to you and introduced himself.

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#664156 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 15:37

If it was the crush... Typical highschool scenario... She's lucky she didn't know any of them...

By skullet | 0

#209287 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

OUCH!!!

Reply

020266t | 5

#1554290 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:57

DAMN

By RosarioRivera | 0

#209291 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:27

haha! That sucks. FYL

By sLap_fml | 0

#209298 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:40

that's what she said.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1046889 - Monday 28 June 2010 9:06

that's what he said, BITCH

Reply

43trauts | 14

#2864530 - Monday 11 July 2011 4:14

That's what both said

By deaditegirl | 0

#209307 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:43

Not an FML. Oh no. You were briefly embarrassing. Get over it.

Reply

Firetroop | 0

#995932 - Monday 17 May 2010 5:41

It's funny. It messes someone's day up. It qualifies. Sheesh.

By deaditegirl | 0

#209309 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:23

Oh no. You were momentarily embarrassed. Not an FML.

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7633987 - Sunday 13 May 2018 20:12

That's 90% of the site...

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#209311 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:48

Kinda turned on