Intimacy: Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears.... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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Walk on the wild side

Drunk

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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By Anonymous

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By MikaPika - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't call her in the last few days. I tried to explain to her that I was out at my grandfather's house in a remote place with no cell service to stand by him on his death bed. She thought I was making excuses and called me a lying bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

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By Anonymous

Family values

Today, I discovered that my very recent ex-fiancé tried to bang his sister-in-law several times while we were still together. The best part? She’s my son's teacher and she waited until we'd broken up to tell me. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By glocked and goaded - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By pledonasm - India - Thane

Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML

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By Marriage at it's finest.. - 22/5/2021 13:59

Watch where you're going

Today, I was riding my scooter and humming a tune while doing so. It happened to be the tune you hear at weddings. I got married to the garage door. FML

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By Anonymous

You wanker!

Today, my brother arrived at the cabin we’re staying at on a trip. He insisted he got the bed I chose. My father responded, "You wouldn’t want the bed if you knew what he did in it last night." I laughed until I realized there's a mirror where he could've easily seen "what I did last night." FML

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By That escalated quickly.

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner's decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

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By sushichick - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By enderw - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By Bhrugu - 20/5/2021 06:01

Cruel Summer

Today, my 20-day summer break started. It was also the day my entire family, including me, tested positive for Covid. I'm typing this in an isolation ward. There goes my summer break. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school started an anti-bullying policy, and we watched a video about bullying. After the video, I told a teacher about a bullying case going on that I know about. His response? "Tell someone who cares" as he walked away chuckling. FML

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By minime94 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 23/2/2021 22:56

Get out of there, fast

Today, I went on a date with a really cute guy. Things were going great, so we went to his place. While he was in the bathroom, I absentmindedly looked around his apartment. Unfortunately, his living room cupboard was half open, and I saw a shrine of pictures of me. Apparently, he's been stalking me for months. FML

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By I have Flashbacks Now - United States - Woonsocket

Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML

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By crap - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

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By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By rileynautumn - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

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By rainyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

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By officeditz - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Question Time

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking dogs for the animal hospital I work for. I accidentally dropped the leash, and in my haste to retrieve it, I frantically grabbed the ground. I got the leash, and a handful of fresh dog poo emitted from the dog I was walking. FML

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By Xtine - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By Ashleighx94 - United Kingdom

Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

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Top comments

By rukusrazor | 0

#209259 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

Shes should know.

By pancakelover | 0

#209250 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:22

WTF MOM!?!?! Moms always say shit at the wrong time...

COMMENTS

By pancakelover | 0

#209250 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:22

WTF MOM!?!?! Moms always say shit at the wrong time...

Reply

ChantelRenaeee | 0

#2513629 - Sunday 15 May 2011 11:25

giggity

By plexico | 3

#209257 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:23

It probably made the men in the car hot for your mom, not you!

By rukusrazor | 0

#209259 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

Shes should know.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853796 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:19

ur a failure hahaha I'm still laughing at u

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#853799 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:20

hahahahahahahahahaha

Reply

matt5217 | 4

#1107464 - Monday 19 July 2010 0:57

owned

Reply

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1378485 - Thursday 9 September 2010 21:35

omg #1 just made my day(:

Reply

Palirose | 22

#3363713 - Thursday 29 September 2011 7:53

LOL!

By genius_man16 | 0

#209273 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:28

It would have been more awesome if a guy had then walked up to you and introduced himself.

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#664156 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 15:37

If it was the crush... Typical highschool scenario... She's lucky she didn't know any of them...

By skullet | 0

#209287 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:21

OUCH!!!

Reply

020266t | 5

#1554290 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:57

DAMN

By RosarioRivera | 0

#209291 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:27

haha! That sucks. FYL

By sLap_fml | 0

#209298 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:40

that's what she said.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1046889 - Monday 28 June 2010 9:06

that's what he said, BITCH

Reply

43trauts | 14

#2864530 - Monday 11 July 2011 4:14

That's what both said

By deaditegirl | 0

#209307 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:43

Not an FML. Oh no. You were briefly embarrassing. Get over it.

Reply

Firetroop | 0

#995932 - Monday 17 May 2010 5:41

It's funny. It messes someone's day up. It qualifies. Sheesh.

By deaditegirl | 0

#209309 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:23

Oh no. You were momentarily embarrassed. Not an FML.

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7633987 - Sunday 13 May 2018 20:12

That's 90% of the site...

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#209311 - Monday 18 May 2009 20:48

Kinda turned on