Kids: Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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29898

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Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

Panic

Family issues

By really? - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27229

You deserved it

1619

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33523

You deserved it

6080

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By Chels - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67752

You deserved it

5263

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By Tiffer27 - United States

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21383

You deserved it

2427

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By mehdi

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

326228

Phew, glad it wasn't me

33659

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2477

You deserved it

240

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By shocked - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36583

You deserved it

5661

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By vibratorgirl - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23023

You deserved it

73704

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By Buzz

Today, I've been caffeine-free for 2 weeks. It's turned me into a constipated angry bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2989

You deserved it

697

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By - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28879

You deserved it

11372

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By Tank - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12517

You deserved it

751

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By Bruce - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27411

You deserved it

3389

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By ahddib - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34061

You deserved it

10260

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By Tee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in his bed. I was watching the Terminator on T.V. A commercial came on in the middle of the movie. We just started having sex when the movie came back on he said "I'll be back." in the Arnold Schwartzenegger accent and rolled over to watch the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22693

You deserved it

4571

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By Nate - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27480

You deserved it

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By Gob - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11796

You deserved it

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By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34644

You deserved it

5941

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By Confusedfiance

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3049

You deserved it

221

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30796

You deserved it

7310

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43738

You deserved it

4935

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By LogicalMolly - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19989

You deserved it

49201

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By protoplasm stole my seat - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, a pregnant woman got on the bus. There were no free seats, so I stood up to give her mine. An obese man pushed past her, waddled over, and oozed into my seat. I said it was for the pregnant lady. He called me a "sexist bitch" and claimed he needed it more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49386

You deserved it

2794

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By Cheryl

Go, Vegan!

Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1744

You deserved it

495

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By whatrights - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51345

You deserved it

23724

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By Alyssa - United States - Spring Park

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14132

You deserved it

1195

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By I-love-my-tea - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I had to show my ID to prove I was over 18. I was buying teaspoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26973

You deserved it

1985

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By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36271

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being laid off for over a year, I got turned down for an unpaid internship. I can't even get people to let me work for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34231

You deserved it

3503

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By Loopylogo

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6589

You deserved it

511

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By jasonnn - Australia

Today, I brought a girl home. My dad's first reaction was to pull out the camera and snap away. She now won't reply to my texts or calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26196

You deserved it

2362

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58487

You deserved it

10644

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By Bryce

Very fishy

Today, my dad and I went fishing. We both got a bite, but when we went to reel it in, both our hooks were in the catfish's mouth. He pushed me in the mud and took my hook out its mouth so he could say he caught it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1552

You deserved it

211

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By beccabooyah - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom and checking Facebook on my phone. As I'm checking my news feed, I notice a new photo upload by my brother. I guess I forgot to shut the door to the bathroom, because it's me on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17703

You deserved it

38614

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33253

You deserved it

4334

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By Deep Sigh

Deep Sigh? More like Deep Throat

Today, I wanted to get my mind off my ex, so like any other guy I decided to watch some porn and jack it. I see one video with a familiar looking room so I click on it. Guess who I saw getting it from some dude? So much for forgetting about my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5295

You deserved it

553

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 11:01

Dementia or hate? You decide

Today, I spent an hour listening to my mother-in-law go over the details of how happy my husband was at his wedding, while she went through the photo album and stared at the pictures. The wedding with his first wife. I spend several days each month with her taking care of her, and she does this kind of thing every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

You deserved it

126

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43698

You deserved it

2705

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44341

You deserved it

4306

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By juliestrawsky

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1365

You deserved it

538

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By pandora - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28457

You deserved it

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Top comments

By drippingfaucet | 0

#1629339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

smart kid

By ugh_a_lug | 7

#1629362 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:18

he could lift a pumpkin onto your car?

COMMENTS

By drippingfaucet | 0

#1629339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

smart kid

austinkarimi | 0

#1629439 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:28

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1629477 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:30

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1629524 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

kfrizzle2 | 4

#1629536 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:36

If I comment here, will my comment get changed to wee-woo's?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1629547 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:38

Sirin, that was such a buzzkill...

Sirin_fml | 46

#1629555 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:38

No. You must not want it, or the fun disappears. Which is also my philosophy on sex.

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1629591 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:45

O #28 I see what u did there

Selena_is_back | 7

#1629685 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:09

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

katplayer | 4

#1629782 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:24

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

Joppa | 0

#1629845 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

Perfect halloween car for daddy.

jazmixer | 0

#1630209 - Sunday 31 October 2010 3:54

smart kid. it's not a crime to deface your own property. And
wee-ooo-wee-ooo-wee

junkboy | 4

#1630241 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:03

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KingDingALing | 9

#1630288 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:17

This whole time, I thought that people were wee woo-ing on purpose... :/

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630328 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:28

95, If you don't wee-woo, you'll be moderated like 56.

P.S. wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KingDingALing | 9

#1630431 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:11

Uh-oh..I better wee woo!

Wee woo wee woo wee woo!

I did it! :D

zp5 | 4

#1630492 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:23

haha your 8 year old is awesome.
what? did i forget something?
oh.
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.
is that better?
no? why you son of a-*blacks out*
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

pcakewafflebacon | 0

#1630500 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:26

kaysl's a bitch! I mean wee woo

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630620 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:53

why you son of a bi- *crash*!

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Occums_Razor | 0

#1630668 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:00

I get it! Sirin. Siren. Wee woo. Siren.

Wee woo wee woo wee woo.

zp5 | 4

#1630718 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:11

i think 115 saw what i did there

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630758 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:19

120, I did. :)

Joppa | 0

#1630776 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:22

I wonder why mine got moderated. I only said "what a perfect car for daddy". Selena, you could be right. :D

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630799 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:28

123, hurry! say wee-woo!!!!

P.S. wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo!

zp5 | 4

#1630833 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:36

129 who can?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1630836 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:37

Maxwell!... you're home.

::cross fingers::

Joppa | 0

#1630849 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:39

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Joppa | 0

#1630866 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:41

We'll see if 129 got moderated too. :D

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630885 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:44

135, sure hope so. :)

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630935 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:54

... I'm all out of magic. boo-hoo...

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630965 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:00

Oh, and besides, it wasn't me who started the wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo thing. :P

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1631021 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:19

Well slap my ass and call me Sally! I do say, I'm quite the waffle when it comes to this here business. I much prefer to mount my here donkey Verna.
WEE WOO fuck you.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1631041 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:27

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee----
C-C-C-C-Combo breaker.

OrginalOwen | 0

#1631142 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:52

woo-wee-woo-wee-wooahh-what??

jewban | 3

#1631150 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:53

wee woo?

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1631156 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:54

i must say, I love what y'all have done with the place!

Fred_Fred_Burger | 0

#1631226 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:12

dude whatever five year old is making us say wee woo

piss off.
get a life.

yuggi1 | 11

#1631258 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:38

WEE- my eyes are burning- WOO- I think I'm having a brain hemorrhage.
x_x

stephanie0613 | 0

#1631339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 9:23

Omg, you got a smart 8 year old kid :)
aggghhhhh, cannnnnt help but,
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

mitchn60 | 6

#1631611 - Sunday 31 October 2010 10:24

Sirin just had a birthday! congrats!

alex1432 | 9

#1631633 - Sunday 31 October 2010 10:30

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

InDenial | 6

#1631746 - Sunday 31 October 2010 11:35

WTF is going on here?

GooeyChickenman | 0

#1634172 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:11

I don't get it

drippingfaucet | 0

#1634988 - Monday 1 November 2010 7:36

wtf is with all the wee-who-wee crap I'm seriously going to moderate all these stupid comments!

By shurayuki | 0

#1629346 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

poor you :(

ell_oh_ell | 0

#1629751 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:21

ya I agree poor you, I wonder what he's gonna do next year?!

sloppy3301 | 3

#1629882 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:47

no . the kid probably goes to his house eggs it and says "fk u little asshole" to himself :D

Kaiden2554 | 0

#1638934 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:29

I guess the trick

(puts on sunglasses)

was on him.

YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!11

By KaySL | 24

#1629358 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:18

Fuck you, mom. Get off FML and bake me a fucking cake, whore.

solegit | 0

#1629380 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:20

this

swimmerstud | 7

#1629383 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:20

the woman is a man

KaySL | 24

#1629397 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:22

The mother's a crossdressing man?! D:

swimmerstud | 7

#1629497 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:33

no, u should check the gender in the corner

FYLDeep | 25

#1629510 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:34

It's funny seeing Kay mess up a detail like that. Usually your comments are on the up and up.

KaySL | 24

#1629563 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:39

Oh so it's a crossdressing woman then?

swimmerstud | 7

#1629570 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:42

u should forget the idea about a cross-dressing woman.

KaySL | 24

#1629586 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:44

Okay, if it's not a crossdressing woman, the OP must be transexual then?

an_villian | 0

#1629675 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:08

^agreed

FFML_314 | 11

#1630875 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:42

The OP is most definitely a cross dressing sheman male woman. Don't worry Kay, I got your back.

innerexlet | 0

#1631092 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:40

I think he's a member of the Kay Kay Kay... just look at his profile picture If that doesn't say raciest then iduno what is.

OrginalOwen | 0

#1631187 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:02

well I am.

ArianS2 | 0

#1631239 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:16

Fucking fail Kay.

WarByrd | 0

#1632502 - Sunday 31 October 2010 15:19

lol don't be mad, you are just a very blind, and confused lil person.... no worries, area 51 is looking for their lost pet.

KaySL | 24

#1633214 - Sunday 31 October 2010 20:21

ArianS2, the fail is with you. Jesus, people just can't help but correct others can they? Even when it's obvious they're being baited in. LOLOLOOLOLOLOL.