Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and...

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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Kids

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Goodbye Bill

Fairytale ending

By storyofmylife - 15/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 20:00

Check your head

Today, I had a real coffee again after being sick for two weeks. It didn't taste so good, though. Just like the one I had yesterday. Well, I thought, maybe my taste has changed? Maybe I just need to get used to it again? No, it was just that the milk had gone bad three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying, "I can come over today. She thinks I've got work." I think he had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 18:00

Oedipus Rex

Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

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1789

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By brother love - 13/8/2010 05:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

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By WTF - 9/6/2012 13:54 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I saw my mom changing the expiry date on milk. She genuinely thought this would make the milk sour later. FML

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29665

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2014 08:56 - United Kingdom - Dunmow

Today, despite years of paranoid checking, I forgot to check my towel for spiders after my shower. Two crawled onto me, and I'm pretty sure there's one somewhere in my hair. FML

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By Robert - 6/4/2018 05:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my high school speech therapist introduced me to the other autistic kid in school without fully informing either of us. We got into a fist fight because we each thought the other guy was imitating us. FML

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4789

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By WhyDoINeedAName - 13/3/2013 19:51 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

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By kennedygeeee - 8/9/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

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By wait..what - 22/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

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By hihipanda - 30/8/2009 12:58 - Singapore

Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this cute girl and went over to say "Hi." I had a great conversation with her and I asked for her number before she left. She passed it to me on a piece of paper with instructions specifying for my friend to call her and not me. FML

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By anonymous - 13/9/2015 15:34 - Luxembourg

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

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By Hellohaileyexoh - 27/8/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I went to get food, I was late so my friend ordered for me. I took a few bites and it was getting hard to breathe. I realized it's a bluebery muffin, I'm deathly allergic. I look to my friend, she was laughing saying she wanted to see if it was true. I just got out of the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 04:00 - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

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By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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59443

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By krray - 11/3/2017 22:00

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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4834

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By Partners - 22/6/2015 19:55 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

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28681

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By Yue - 23/11/2009 21:14 - Canada

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML

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By jaskyriddims - 16/9/2009 19:58 - Dominica

Today, my family gathered to pray. It was my brother's turn to pray and he ended with this, "...and help Chev that he does not become the disappointment everyone expects him to be. Amen." I looked on in shock as my entire family nodded and said "Amen" in agreement. Hi, I'm Chev. FML

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45577

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By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By Sara - 3/10/2012 03:33 - United States - Manassas

Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML

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27140

You deserved it

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By Ticklish - 13/4/2014 09:33 - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 05:29 - Europe

Today, after my boyfriend and I had gotten frisky last night, I found a note on the front door of my building that read, "Dear girl in apartment 3D, from now on please close the blinds all the way or lose 30 pounds. Either would be acceptable." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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By gb739 - 19/1/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 12:53 - United States

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

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By pantless - 21/3/2016 18:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

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By um... what the fuck, miss? - 2/8/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:21 - Australia

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

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23119

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By bambam - 12/5/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By Miranda - 7/6/2020 17:06

Confused

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

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By sandra22 - 22/1/2011 08:49 - France

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML

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By fucking fratricidal - 13/10/2012 22:25 - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

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By boredatwork - 29/1/2010 15:33 - Canada

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

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By dgilbs - 27/8/2012 14:50 - United States - Cheboygan

Today, I finished my shopping at Costco, and realized I had forgotten where I had parked. After scouring the parking lot for 20 minutes, I called the police and filed a report for a stolen vehicle. I then remembered I had bought a new car yesterday and parked it right next to the entrance. FML

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Top comments

By drippingfaucet | 0

#1629339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

smart kid

By ugh_a_lug | 7

#1629362 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:18

he could lift a pumpkin onto your car?

Comments

By drippingfaucet | 0

#1629339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

smart kid

austinkarimi | 0

#1629439 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:28

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1629477 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:30

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1629524 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

kfrizzle2 | 4

#1629536 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:36

If I comment here, will my comment get changed to wee-woo's?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1629547 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:38

Sirin, that was such a buzzkill...

Sirin_fml | 46

#1629555 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:38

No. You must not want it, or the fun disappears. Which is also my philosophy on sex.

MrNewOrleans | 0

#1629591 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:45

O #28 I see what u did there

Selena_is_back | 7

#1629685 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:09

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

katplayer | 4

#1629782 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:24

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

Joppa | 0

#1629845 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:35

Perfect halloween car for daddy.

jazmixer | 0

#1630209 - Sunday 31 October 2010 3:54

smart kid. it's not a crime to deface your own property. And
wee-ooo-wee-ooo-wee

junkboy | 4

#1630241 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:03

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KingDingALing | 9

#1630288 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:17

This whole time, I thought that people were wee woo-ing on purpose... :/

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630328 - Sunday 31 October 2010 4:28

95, If you don't wee-woo, you'll be moderated like 56.

P.S. wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

KingDingALing | 9

#1630431 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:11

Uh-oh..I better wee woo!

Wee woo wee woo wee woo!

I did it! :D

zp5 | 4

#1630492 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:23

haha your 8 year old is awesome.
what? did i forget something?
oh.
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.
is that better?
no? why you son of a-*blacks out*
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

pcakewafflebacon | 0

#1630500 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:26

kaysl's a bitch! I mean wee woo

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630620 - Sunday 31 October 2010 5:53

why you son of a bi- *crash*!

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Occums_Razor | 0

#1630668 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:00

I get it! Sirin. Siren. Wee woo. Siren.

Wee woo wee woo wee woo.

zp5 | 4

#1630718 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:11

i think 115 saw what i did there

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630758 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:19

120, I did. :)

Joppa | 0

#1630776 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:22

I wonder why mine got moderated. I only said "what a perfect car for daddy". Selena, you could be right. :D

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630799 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:28

123, hurry! say wee-woo!!!!

P.S. wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo!

zp5 | 4

#1630833 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:36

129 who can?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1630836 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:37

Maxwell!... you're home.

::cross fingers::

Joppa | 0

#1630849 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:39

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Joppa | 0

#1630866 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:41

We'll see if 129 got moderated too. :D

wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630885 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:44

135, sure hope so. :)

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630935 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:54

... I'm all out of magic. boo-hoo...

Selena_is_back | 7

#1630965 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:00

Oh, and besides, it wasn't me who started the wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo thing. :P

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1631021 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:19

Well slap my ass and call me Sally! I do say, I'm quite the waffle when it comes to this here business. I much prefer to mount my here donkey Verna.
WEE WOO fuck you.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1631041 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:27

Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee----
C-C-C-C-Combo breaker.

OrginalOwen | 0

#1631142 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:52

woo-wee-woo-wee-wooahh-what??

jewban | 3

#1631150 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:53

wee woo?

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1631156 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:54

i must say, I love what y'all have done with the place!

Fred_Fred_Burger | 0

#1631226 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:12

dude whatever five year old is making us say wee woo

piss off.
get a life.

yuggi1 | 11

#1631258 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:38

WEE- my eyes are burning- WOO- I think I'm having a brain hemorrhage.
x_x

stephanie0613 | 0

#1631339 - Sunday 31 October 2010 9:23

Omg, you got a smart 8 year old kid :)
aggghhhhh, cannnnnt help but,
wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo.

mitchn60 | 6

#1631611 - Sunday 31 October 2010 10:24

Sirin just had a birthday! congrats!

alex1432 | 9

#1631633 - Sunday 31 October 2010 10:30

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

InDenial | 6

#1631746 - Sunday 31 October 2010 11:35

WTF is going on here?

GooeyChickenman | 0

#1634172 - Monday 1 November 2010 2:11

I don't get it

drippingfaucet | 0

#1634988 - Monday 1 November 2010 7:36

wtf is with all the wee-who-wee crap I'm seriously going to moderate all these stupid comments!

By shurayuki | 0

#1629346 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:16

poor you :(

ell_oh_ell | 0

#1629751 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:21

ya I agree poor you, I wonder what he's gonna do next year?!

sloppy3301 | 3

#1629882 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:47

no . the kid probably goes to his house eggs it and says "fk u little asshole" to himself :D

Kaiden2554 | 0

#1638934 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:29

I guess the trick

(puts on sunglasses)

was on him.

YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!11

By KaySL | 24

#1629358 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:18

Fuck you, mom. Get off FML and bake me a fucking cake, whore.

solegit | 0

#1629380 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:20

this

swimmerstud | 7

#1629383 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:20

the woman is a man

KaySL | 24

#1629397 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:22

The mother's a crossdressing man?! D:

swimmerstud | 7

#1629497 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:33

no, u should check the gender in the corner

FYLDeep | 25

#1629510 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:34

It's funny seeing Kay mess up a detail like that. Usually your comments are on the up and up.

KaySL | 24

#1629563 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:39

Oh so it's a crossdressing woman then?

swimmerstud | 7

#1629570 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:42

u should forget the idea about a cross-dressing woman.

KaySL | 24

#1629586 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:44

Okay, if it's not a crossdressing woman, the OP must be transexual then?

an_villian | 0

#1629675 - Sunday 31 October 2010 2:08

^agreed

FFML_314 | 11

#1630875 - Sunday 31 October 2010 6:42

The OP is most definitely a cross dressing sheman male woman. Don't worry Kay, I got your back.

innerexlet | 0

#1631092 - Sunday 31 October 2010 7:40

I think he's a member of the Kay Kay Kay... just look at his profile picture If that doesn't say raciest then iduno what is.

OrginalOwen | 0

#1631187 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:02

well I am.

ArianS2 | 0

#1631239 - Sunday 31 October 2010 8:16

Fucking fail Kay.

WarByrd | 0

#1632502 - Sunday 31 October 2010 15:19

lol don't be mad, you are just a very blind, and confused lil person.... no worries, area 51 is looking for their lost pet.

KaySL | 24

#1633214 - Sunday 31 October 2010 20:21

ArianS2, the fail is with you. Jesus, people just can't help but correct others can they? Even when it's obvious they're being baited in. LOLOLOOLOLOLOL.