Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like... - FML

By Rachal - 30/1/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Great boyfriend

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By cherry - 10/4/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

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By gwengas - 30/7/2014 06:51 - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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By sothishappened - 20/5/2014 09:54 - United States - Joliet

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 20:00

Mommy's bravest little boy

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

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By Not really - 19/7/2018 15:00

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

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By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

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By XYZee - 22/8/2012 20:27 - United States - Rockmart

Today, after quite a long work day, I got home to find my house had been broken into. Everything but my sleeping boyfriend was gone. FML

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By BC94 - 16/7/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2019 16:00

Today, it's my birthday, I received two cards, one from my mum and one from my son, that my mum gave to him to give to me. My entire family said they couldn't be bothered going out for dinner for my birthday. My two 'friends' didn't even send a card, never mind a gift or want to meet up. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By Bunsofpain - 16/6/2016 18:56 - United States

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 02:05 - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By AlwaysGottaFML - 20/8/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 22:00

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 16:52 - United States

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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By keyshame - 10/10/2013 05:22 - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By dumbmotherinlaw - 6/7/2016 17:29 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

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By arbiter3 - 4/4/2011 10:13

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2012 17:52 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

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By UnicornPancake - 25/4/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

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By wetandhungry - 6/10/2016 13:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I came home to find water dripping from the ceiling in my apartment laundry room/pantry. All of my groceries were ruined. Maintenance's suggestion? "Put a bucket under it." FML

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By Kayla - 6/3/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

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By davetherave1983 - 9/9/2015 05:09 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

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By Fefe - 13/7/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, a hobo threw up on my car while at a red light. He then asked me for money. FML

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By BadLuck - 21/12/2015 11:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

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By a-mishunderstanding - 8/8/2011 04:07

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

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By flipraff101 - 14/10/2009 09:20 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - 17/6/2019 00:01 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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By GoneLimp - 7/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Havelock

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML

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By gayvsgay - 6/3/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

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By Trippy Penguin - 9/3/2011 02:23

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

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By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By SwinginSolo - 26/3/2013 12:07 - United States

Today, I found out that what my husband meant by "we should try swinging" is "I really want to have sex with this one friend of yours, and if you so much as make eye contact with any guy I'm going to totally flip out and threaten to kill him and you." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 13:43 - United States - Orlando

Today, I had a dream that I was making pancakes. I need to get out more. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 20:23 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

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By radioinvader - 28/10/2012 12:29 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down laughing uncontrollably. FML

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Top comments

By dumboears | 8

#3965477 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:01

That's one hell of a fart.

By LaColombianita | 26

#3965483 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:02

I didn't know a fart could cause that much damage...

Comments

By zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3965475 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:00

A little too excited there

Reply

Waffl3z | 8

#3965594 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:11

Sounds like an extreme case of mudbutt.

Reply

lrgenesis | 19

#3965672 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:21

This FML made my penis go really soft.

Reply

tanneriscool | 2

#3965807 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:52

17 - your comment made me want to slap you in the face with my penis.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3965827 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:59

17- Are you expecting a trophy or something?

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3965841 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:01

Give this man a spanky award!

Reply

tanneriscool | 2

#3965854 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:02

17 is trying to be funny but completely backfired on him..

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3966305 - Monday 30 January 2012 12:58

This is a crappy situation.

Reply

Jamialia | 5

#3966781 - Monday 30 January 2012 15:38

I bet it's swamp ass

Reply

BRONCOMAN79 | 0

#3967070 - Monday 30 January 2012 16:57

Wow i hate it when that happens haha

Reply

TheGianaJinx | 0

#3967126 - Monday 30 January 2012 17:12

Now during class when you suddenly slam your head on the desk, everyone read this FML and understands you farted.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#3968603 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 0:55

Maybe you need to go get that checked out. But thanks OP now my nose hurts because I laughed so hard Pepsi came out

Reply

vickeeyleeigh | 0

#3969535 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 4:00

Hahaha halarious!

By dumboears | 8

#3965477 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:01

That's one hell of a fart.

Reply

Wederoney | 16

#3965876 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:07

Can't even begin to imagine what it must have smelled like.

Reply

Yodaevil | 4

#3967014 - Monday 30 January 2012 16:42

I'm jealous! I wish my farts would launch me into my mirror!

Reply

hemz_fml | 13

#3967182 - Monday 30 January 2012 17:28

You got me beat :(

Reply

lebronesque73091 | 12

#3967289 - Monday 30 January 2012 18:20

33 & 57- Holy shit! That made the fml so much more funny XD

Reply

goodfella925 | 0

#3967687 - Monday 30 January 2012 19:57

lol!

Reply

freakinglaugher | 10

#3970161 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 6:08

It's a bird! it's a plane! No, it *coughing fit* .. super ..fart. Oh crap, he just sharted!

By liveyourlife_191 | 8

#3965479 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:01

Good luck explaining THAT to your parents. They will probably disown you. FYL

By LaColombianita | 26

#3965483 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:02

I didn't know a fart could cause that much damage...

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#3965851 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:02

You obviously have not seen this one Dexter Laboratory episode...but that reference is a bit obscure, I think

Reply

TheDog6 | 24

#3968358 - Monday 30 January 2012 23:17

Silent but Deadly.

Reply

rabid_fish | 4

#3970148 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 6:04

Are you a duck?

By n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#3965494 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:03

how on earth did farting feel like getting stabbed? what do you eat?!

Reply

dumboears | 8

#3965533 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:06

Something really spicy would do it.

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#3965582 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:10

spicy foods would cause you to shit your pants as you farted.

the experience oh how i loathe it.

Reply

n3rdzgotskillz | 29

#3965638 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:17

I eat spicy food all the time and can safely say that my farts have never been that deadly :')

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3965681 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:22

Do they whistle?

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#3965690 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:23

must be the artificial spicy foods then.

Reply

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#3967187 - Monday 30 January 2012 17:28

More likely op has hemmoroids an pressure of gas on them caused pain. Op should get their ass examined!

Reply

taco_bender | 12

#3970175 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 6:12

Tacos dont hurt people. They are very delicious and good. Besides taco bell is fake mexican food. Its good sometimes but cant beat original tacos beaner made.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#5610462 - Saturday 3 August 2013 0:52

It sometimes happens to people with acid reflux. It's basically a fold in your intestines catching the air.

By mama2b3 | 20

#3965553 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:08

Who knew farting could be so dangerous. ..

By kicker42 | 0

#3965612 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:14

...beautiful

By lrgenesis | 19

#3965619 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:15

And that's why I stopped eating taco bell

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3965623 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:15

Maybe a ghost decided to troll you and stab your butt.

Reply

LookOnBrightSide | 12

#3965717 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:26

Farts do work in mysterious ways. Makes you wonder...

By whoaaahorsie | 7

#3965642 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:17

don't under estimate the power of farting!

want to be alone in a room? fart!
want a brand new spankin' mirror? fart!

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3974673 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 5:23

For the first one I've seen people light a cigarette
For the second, leave a window open and throw a base ball through it, then blame the neighbor kids

There, now no need to fart