Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd... - FML

By LowerCrust - 30/1/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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Time for the ER

Gas giant

A beautiful truck decoration

By clingmaster - 9/9/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 13:34 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

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By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2016 19:00 - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom tried to convince me to throw out my insulin shots because she read a chain email that claimed they "cause cancer". FML

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By Annie - 1/11/2018 22:15

Today, the CEO of my company told me the only reason I'm being sent to this huge tech conference is because the company will look better with a girl there. I'm expected to stay out until 4am with creepy rich business partners to stroke their egos. FML

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By SpookyBiscuits - 27/12/2016 16:27

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

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By Shodan2112 - 18/2/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2020 01:00

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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By ohmaigawd - 14/9/2011 16:59 - Argentina

Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 20:00

Oh, hai!

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it's my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

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By almost jobless - 11/7/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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By Saradee - 24/12/2012 04:55 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

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By justhereforlaughs - 12/9/2011 22:32 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

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By secret - 14/2/2015 14:10 - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

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By RKE - 5/11/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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By jill - 25/2/2014 16:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

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By seriously - 14/4/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 08:06 - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

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By nubs - 27/9/2018 15:30

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

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By shaft2112 - 3/12/2015 20:19 - Germany - Emsdetten

Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By pist off - 5/3/2018 19:00

Classy.

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

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By Missy - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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By marriagesux - 29/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

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By blizzard_of_77 - 8/4/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 00:30

Today, I realised just how lazy I am, when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

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By katelynm - 8/2/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By sadguy - 22/9/2009 18:30 - Czech Republic

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 18:43 - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

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By NoTattoo - 12/8/2015 17:50

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

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By kernewek - 26/5/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

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By embaressed - 27/1/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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By xUnluckyx - 18/3/2010 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was working, ripping siding off a house. I pulled off a sheet that was over my head. I got rained with what I thought was woodchips that was behind the siding. Turns out they were dead grasshoppers. Guess what I found in my bra after work. FML

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By Hair Fail - 22/10/2011 15:32 - United States

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By kareed3 - 19/7/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

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By maxus - 19/11/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

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By HereToLaughAtU - 18/11/2014 04:16 - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

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By anonymous - 13/7/2015 09:45 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

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Top comments

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965591 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:11

First of all the FML implies that OP is in college, therefor pizza places/restaurants are one of those places College student's work at. Second, AT LEAST HE HAS A FUCKING JOB. Third, just because you hate pizza, DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN DEMORALIZE SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU HATE THEIR PRODUCT!!

Shut your fucking mouth!!!!!!

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965555 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:08

How to get revenge on your class stoner:

1)Get his weed
2) Taunt him with the weed
3)Bury the weed
4) Encase the weed in Concrete
5) Watch him cry
6) Profit!!

Follow these steps OP, get him back for that firing...

COMMENTS

By Clodinus | 5

#3965485 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:02

The "class stoner"?

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3965508 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:04

You know, the kid that smokes ridiculously too much pot.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965517 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:05

It's the designated Stoner of OP's classroom.

In this case OP got stoner trolled...

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#3965547 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:07

damn those munchies.

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#3966845 - Monday 30 January 2012 15:56

Video cameras?

Reply

A100893 | 30

#3967065 - Monday 30 January 2012 16:56

The pizza place might be too poor to afford cameras. Or the stoner stole it out of anger.

Reply

iluvhobos | 5

#3967886 - Monday 30 January 2012 20:59

Only one "class stoner"? I'm surprised there isn't a group of them, there usually is in schools..

Reply

ArcadePie | 10

#3967968 - Monday 30 January 2012 21:26

2- That's every kid in my class

Reply

ripjohnlennon | 5

#3968288 - Monday 30 January 2012 22:55

65- I'm moving to your school

Reply

cobaltss06 | 1

#3968572 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 0:38

Haha hell yea #65 you are getting two new classmates!!

Reply

ArcadePie | 10

#3972795 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 22:01

69- You like john lennon and weed holy shit wer'e destined for each other

By XenaWP | 6

#3965530 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:06

Ydi for working in a pizza place. Pizza sucks balls.

Reply

abbyhoneywaffles | 11

#3965568 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:09

Who in fucks name doesn't like pizza? That's just so.. unnatural.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965591 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:11

First of all the FML implies that OP is in college, therefor pizza places/restaurants are one of those places College student's work at. Second, AT LEAST HE HAS A FUCKING JOB. Third, just because you hate pizza, DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN DEMORALIZE SOMEONE BECAUSE YOU HATE THEIR PRODUCT!!

Shut your fucking mouth!!!!!!

Reply

LaColombianita | 26

#3965615 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:15

I don't think it matters where he works.. At least he has a job. And pizza is delicious!

Reply

ProhibitionRose | 14

#3965668 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:21

Pizza is freaking amazing!

Reply

RrLSf19 | 0

#3965937 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:29

4, um excuse me but I worked at a pizza parlor for 2 years and currently in university. Who "sucks balls" now?

Reply

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#3966163 - Monday 30 January 2012 12:18

She didn't say sucks , she said is. Hey here's a fun thought. Apparently, due to a bunch of factors, pizza is now a vegetable in the U.S.

Reply

ganjaranja | 9

#3966230 - Monday 30 January 2012 12:39

@13, had job. im sorry op :(

Reply

teague95 | 16

#3966294 - Monday 30 January 2012 12:54

Read 10's comment like this: "first" in regular tone, then "second" louder , and "third" SCREAMING! its so much funner.

Reply

trixy81 | 10

#3966662 - Monday 30 January 2012 14:53

There's something very wrong with you.

Reply

Benelli_SkM | 0

#3966770 - Monday 30 January 2012 15:32

I'm guessing that you kind of knew this comment would get buried...

Reply

nabila21 | 0

#3966880 - Monday 30 January 2012 16:01

I'm gonna pretend i didnt hear that dude, pizza is awesome

Reply

quite_bored | 9

#3967939 - Monday 30 January 2012 21:17

If pizza sucks balls, I know what I'm ordering on lonely nights!

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#3970439 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 7:38

4 - I believe that I speak for everyone when I say this: you're a cunt

Reply

4ugu4 | 7

#3980724 - Thursday 2 February 2012 8:01

#4- you've got no balls.

By mama2b3 | 20

#3965538 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:06

That sucks op beat his stoner ass! I'm sorry.

Reply

boofgall | 16

#3965862 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:03

Stoners are generally nice people, this guy is an exception though.

Reply

StonerkidDGK420 | 0

#3968524 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 0:17

Stoners are nice. Real talk.

Reply

ironwords | 8

#3968708 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 2:05

70

BAHAHAHAHA

no.

By THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965555 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:08

How to get revenge on your class stoner:

1)Get his weed
2) Taunt him with the weed
3)Bury the weed
4) Encase the weed in Concrete
5) Watch him cry
6) Profit!!

Follow these steps OP, get him back for that firing...

Reply

cr3ativity | 15

#3965730 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:29

How do you exactly profit?
Unless you can sell the tears of a depressed stoner or something of similar nature.

Reply

imepelepticsir | 5

#3965733 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:30

or he can just give me the weed so i may start a cartel.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965771 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:38

Well Cr3ativity, you either get the cop's to watch the show and make them pay you by selling them tickets or them giving you a reward.

Or just invite some friends and make them pay you for the depressed stoner show.

Either way, PROFIT!!!!!

Now if you excuse me, i'm going back to my manga...

Reply

kez238 | 0

#3966964 - Monday 30 January 2012 16:21

That's stupid.. They should be like.. "Hey class stoner, you cost me my job so we should smoke up and you should buy."

Reply

dansco | 24

#3969865 - Tuesday 31 January 2012 5:01

No no, its more simple. Just the head teacher at school that you see him selling to kids and offering them pizza!

By greentiger | 5

#3965575 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:09

The fact that your boss doesn't believe you means that they aren't worth your time. Find another job

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#3965598 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:12

"the customer is always right."

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3965617 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:15

^Proven to be ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Trust me...

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3965929 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:24

11- Someone once told me it was blue tag sale that week. I pointed to the very large sign directly behind them and kindly told them it was green tag week.
Them bitches wuz wrong.

Reply

Isoldael | 25

#3965979 - Monday 30 January 2012 10:53

Or when they tell you / demand they should get more change because they paid with a €50,- bill, and you're still HOLDING the €5,- bill they gave you...

Reply

LoonyKev | 0

#3965998 - Monday 30 January 2012 11:04

my guess is the class stoner is the bosses son, the boss always wanted to fire OP, just need a reason to

I could be wrong

Reply

LoonyKev | 0

#3966001 - Monday 30 January 2012 11:06

needed*

By lrgenesis | 19

#3965608 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:14

Don't worry OP I'm sure it'll work itself out or there's a way to prove it, then you'll get re hired!

By McDonaldsworker | 4

#3965629 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:17

lol I know how that is!
At my job the other day a bunch of kids came in and told my manager that I gave free food away...only sad part is I don't...too much

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3965653 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:19

Stoners are funny. Unless they get you fired. Thats when you hide their stash and make them find it.

By jacob4592 | 0

#3965670 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:21

Sorry about that man, I hope that kid gets punched in the face and you get your job back or blessed with another one

By cr3ativity | 15

#3965678 - Monday 30 January 2012 9:22

This is when you call the cops to intervene on his sorry ass.

When you get back at people make sure that they will never try to get back at you again.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3974664 - Wednesday 1 February 2012 5:18

This is when you plant crack in his locker and call the cops on him