By - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

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Proactive

All for nothing

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 20:30

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

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By WasntMe - 17/7/2013 23:15 - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

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By Wisconsin love - 13/12/2010 17:35 - United States

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

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45835

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By Snow-White - 4/7/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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45571

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By soapypete - 22/10/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

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10187

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By Jakub89 - 5/6/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By Hairy Cheek - 15/4/2016 04:27 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

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By Canonlizardjet - 13/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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6469

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

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By MC - 15/8/2011 02:51 - Canada

Today, I was so drunk that I gave my mom's number instead of mine to the really cute guy I met at the bar. FML

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11476

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By Van - 9/11/2019 05:00

Work name

Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML

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3646

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By Tomtom - 17/11/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 16:29 - United States - Santee

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 18:38 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, my new calculus teacher taught everything using nothing but soccer terms and analogies, just so the resident idiot meatheads would understand. I didn't learn a thing. FML

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By Coyote - 6/7/2019 18:00

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

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1728

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2009 16:34 - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

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40749

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By f*ck - 2/5/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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8270

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2012 23:32 - United States

Today, I checked over my notes from yesterday's midterm review so I could study for the test on Monday. It seems I was so exhausted, I'd done nothing but scribble unintelligibly all over the first page. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2009 18:36 - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By Oldhouse - 22/7/2014 03:46 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

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By Rescheduled - 28/5/2016 08:44 - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

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13311

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Shocked - 28/1/2018 19:00

Why hello there...

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

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By Spockx - 6/8/2012 11:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML

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By ZittyMii - 3/7/2010 19:52 - United States

Today, a friend of mine had a Wii party and made everyone into Miis. My Mii had freckles. I don't have freckles. When I commented on it, she said, "Well, there isn't a zit feature." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 06:10 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a classmate at college accused me of stalking her. All because I walked past her house. I was walking to the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

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6347

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By commando - 27/9/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I was preparing to perform with my marching band at a competition. Right before we went on, a tuba player friend of mine offered to help me stretch. He wound up snapping my bra. I'm a drum major, and had to conduct the entire show while my boobs were falling out. FML

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By I'm disgusting - 26/5/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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502

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By joeshmoe - 15/1/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

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34216

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By s0728 - 1/9/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

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37459

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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46759

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 02:41 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

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By anonymous - 25/7/2013 05:47 - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By DrakeScott - 2/11/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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By kutekittykatz - 10/7/2013 08:58 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

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By ShellShocked - 30/3/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

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43705

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By xJade2012x - 24/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, in my karate dojo, I was being taught how to fall properly. My sensei instructed us not to fall with our hands out because it could sprain our wrists. As I was getting ready to help demonstrate a backwards break fall, I actually fell over. Guess where my hands went. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

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By blizzard_of_77 - 8/4/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7934763 - Sunday 30 August 2020 5:07

You're not the master of your gas?

You gotta make your farts your bitch! Without control, how can you crop-dust or Dutch oven?

By MsGamerLady | 5

#7934771 - Sunday 30 August 2020 5:57

I've done this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7934763 - Sunday 30 August 2020 5:07

You're not the master of your gas?

You gotta make your farts your bitch! Without control, how can you crop-dust or Dutch oven?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7934765 - Sunday 30 August 2020 5:27

How were you not expecting to fart?

By MsGamerLady | 5

#7934771 - Sunday 30 August 2020 5:57

I've done this. 🤷🏻‍♀️

By power_in_the_now | 19

#7936294 - Sunday 6 September 2020 10:44

Think it’s about time to maybe get into better shape if squats are making you shit... squats should be second nature not take so much effort that you fart then poop your pants, goodness lee!!