Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 17:24 - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

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Mystery

Social distancing gone wrong

The end of the road

By alynn - 29/5/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 23:17 - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

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By imgay - 23/6/2015 02:20 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML

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By Barking Mad - 4/8/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By goinginsane - 6/5/2011 07:25

Today, I was told that I am an incredibly boring person and that it's no wonder I have no friends. I think they're right; last night I dreamt about a nail file. FML

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By NotASquirrel - 12/3/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By ghostyyy - 24/7/2010 23:21 - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By youlyingjerk - 1/2/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

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By SoulStormIV - 12/5/2016 03:03 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML

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By Anon - 5/12/2009 14:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2017 21:45 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 07:28 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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By Deety - 18/1/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By Loser - 17/3/2010 04:41 - Canada

Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

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By unappreciated husband - 28/3/2014 21:43 - United States - Pullman

Today, my wife got her period. Every single time, she ends up asking me to go buy her some midol after a few days of trying to tough it out, so I decided to buy her some ahead of time. She reacted by yelling at me for treating her like a child and implying that she couldn't go buy it herself. FML

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By ART - 6/3/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Shitty Boss Shitty Job - 15/6/2013 05:41 - United States - Davenport

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 20:00

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

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By liilii - 30/8/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 16:17 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By Talented73 - 20/7/2016 02:54 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 04:38 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, my husband decided to be helpful and do all the laundry, including pre-treating all the stains. He felt that Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach would be the most effective. FML

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By oh for f*cks sake - 20/3/2017 12:00 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

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By SLA - 23/3/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By Noguestlist - 2/3/2011 08:16

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

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By BrilsmurfO_O - 6/4/2009 14:12 - Netherlands

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

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By Anizzaf - 27/1/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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By Rae - 2/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

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By SoCalStoopid - 9/9/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML

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By goodbye - 9/3/2009 00:45 - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

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By HillaryAngelic - 22/7/2013 07:09 - United States - Flint

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

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By MaryJane - 7/8/2019 02:00

Today, my best friend told me she didn't want to be my friend anymore, because she wanted to start afresh in college and have pretty friends. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

COMMENTS

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

Reply

LO388 | 7

#5269524 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:06

Crème fraîche?

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269560 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:17

This isn't normal?....I need to stop going to Globogym...

Reply

seandoc | 13

#5269648 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:48

Boston Creme...

no?

Okay.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#5270897 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:43

Omelette du fromage

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6079006 - Thursday 2 October 2014 5:26

Fap fap fap

By maz95 | 17

#5269277 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:11

Must've been described as one hell of a pizza!

Reply

enormouselephant | 15

#5269319 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

First we knead the dough, mmm digging our hands all in it. Then we rub pizza sauce all over it and blow cheese on top of it...oh baby.

Reply

Misswildsides | 22

#5269384 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:30

Who doesn't get turned on over the descriptive words of a mouth watering pizza?!

Reply

poopshreds | 10

#5269399 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

Just look at all that pepperoni and Italian sausage

Reply

maz95 | 17

#5269433 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:40

#9 actually had me somewhere..great job! :p

Reply

Osito2011 | 9

#5269507 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:02

Pizza is no laughing matter. It's up there next to the all mighty bacon!

Reply

Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5270246 - Saturday 22 December 2012 8:22

Oh, yes, grab that sausage and make pepperoni.

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#5270761 - Saturday 22 December 2012 15:41

pizza you so sexy...i wanna remove your toppings.

By klol_fml | 11

#5269291 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

At least you werent getting turned on by a banana or a donut.

Reply

bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269604 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:30

Or a banana and a donut

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269295 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

Everybody loves pizza, how could you not be turned on!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5270069 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:26

Yeah! Olive pizza!

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

Reply

manicethemage | 9

#5269411 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:36

Your comment made my day.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269301 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

Oh come on now!!! Who DOESN'T get turned on by a delicious slice of pizza???

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269316 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

That's dirty thinking.... I like you.

Reply

LolPieRofl | 11

#5270105 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:38

Oh yes now, slowly rub in the sauce, oh yes like that. Now gently sprinkle the cheese so that the sauce has something to hold on. Now roll it up and stick it up your ass. Good Day.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5270499 - Saturday 22 December 2012 12:33

Pizza kicks ass. I'd let it diddle my butthole any day.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5271537 - Saturday 22 December 2012 21:43

^says forever alone guy.

By Lauren324 | 18

#5269305 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

A pizza how sexy can it be? Why not something even better like Belgian waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream. Now I can dream about that....

By kevsandy303 | 12

#5269323 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:18

Well, pizza can look pretty saucy! Or was that pun too cheesy?

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269355 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:23

I thought that cheese joke was just grate.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5269618 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:35

I'm gonna Brie honest, that was whey too funny.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269622 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:37

no, now you're pieing too hard.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5269750 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:12

Forever provolone.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5269760 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:13

Alright guys, I think we Feta stop now. What if Pleonasm or DocBastard get a hold of our String of puns? This Curd be a long, Cerney thread, and nobody's Gouda do Jack about it.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269931 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:46

you're right for pizza sake.we'd better stop posting on this shred.

Reply

bluevayero | 42

#5270571 - Saturday 22 December 2012 13:07

mmmmmm Pizzaaaaaa.....

Reply

tsent8 | 15

#5270843 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:20

Really #72 you could have at least said c-c-c- COMBOBREAKER!!! Like the rest of us.

Reply

WolfFang2 | 2

#5272142 - Sunday 23 December 2012 3:16

Perdix lol. Again I c a comment from u on something

Reply

jezane | 9

#5272330 - Sunday 23 December 2012 4:42

... Right...
Well I don't blame op, after all a fresh out of the oven pizza is pretty hot.

By gracehi | 31

#5269334 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

You know what they say: Pussy is like pizza. If you have good pizza, it's great. If you have bad pizza...it's still pretty good.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269800 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:23

Or if its bad it gets all over your shirt?

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5269977 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:57

A bad pizza is a fishy pizza

By mega20913 | 8

#5269336 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

mmmmm.... pepperoni

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269402 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

My thoughts exactly.