Intimacy: Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Nice neighborhood

Kids will be kids

By notexactly - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I asked my two children why they smelled like pee after we had gotten lunch at McDonald's. They told me that they were playing in the puddles in the play-place. FML

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By MBC - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

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By kmthomas91

Stinky

Today, after coming home, my apartment reeked of something fierce. Small animals frequently like to crawl under my apartment since I live next to a wooded area. Apparently, skunks are among those who like to visit, and Febreze isn't helping. FML

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By TheSneakyNugget - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML

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By dear god why - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Seattle

Noise annoys

Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

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By MakesMeLol - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

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By myownperson - United States

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

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By Nastiaa - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By Red curtains - 3/5/2021 11:01

Great support, mom

Today, my mother is still insisting it must have been my fault that my husband beat me into a coma for 5 weeks, because he’s such a "nice boy from a good family" with a really successful career, so it must have been me who provoked him into it. She keeps trying to get us back together. FML

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By 2fast4U - Canada - Vancouver

Today, some of my coworkers have complained that I don't do my share of the work, though they can't specify exactly what I'm not getting done. Apparently, being too efficient and finishing first means I mustn't have done anything at all. The supervisor sided with them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

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By Xabeix - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

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By KO - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By Almost Fired

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By hopeless

Today, is my birthday. Everyone forgot except my stalker. He rang the door bell the second it turned 12:00. FML

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By Anonymous

Snug as a bug…

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

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By Nice - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

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By Tucker - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

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By Passtheicecream

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to a woman why she wasn't allowed to squeeze all the contents of the sample lotion bottle into her own bottle. She threw a fit, and dumped the whole bottle on my head. FML

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By Jaden Dubin - 31/7/2020 08:02

Animal Farm

Today, I found a mouse stuck in a glue trap at work. I had to take it home to get it off with oil, and then I released it outside. Twenty minutes later, the cat returned it to me, dead. After that, the dogs dug it up where I buried it. Sorry, mouse. FML

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By Bewildered - United Kingdom

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

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By swim5 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By F*ckyouRoss - 6/3/2021 20:30 - Brazil - Sao Paulo

When the cat's away…

Today, I went back home after a break with my live-in boyfriend. I had to spend some time at my distant father's place in another city until we talked it over, and he asked me to come back. I guess he should have mentioned he'd had sex with someone else before I came back. FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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By damnitsam

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

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By PlagueFace - 17/7/2020 17:01

Spotted

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 08:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Do as I say, not as I do

Today, once again my family had a loud conversation over the television show I was quietly watching. But the moment they watch something they like, even if it's a re-run episode, you have to be quiet or you'll be called a monster. Simply say "Hi" and they'll pause the TV to look at you like an annoyance. FML

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By ClaustrophobicNightmares - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I was stuck in the elevator for almost two hours. Where was the elevator mechanic? Next to me in the elevator. FML

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By moron - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By blahblah - United States

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

COMMENTS

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

Reply

LO388 | 7

#5269524 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:06

Crème fraîche?

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269560 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:17

This isn't normal?....I need to stop going to Globogym...

Reply

seandoc | 13

#5269648 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:48

Boston Creme...

no?

Okay.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#5270897 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:43

Omelette du fromage

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6079006 - Thursday 2 October 2014 5:26

Fap fap fap

By maz95 | 17

#5269277 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:11

Must've been described as one hell of a pizza!

Reply

enormouselephant | 15

#5269319 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

First we knead the dough, mmm digging our hands all in it. Then we rub pizza sauce all over it and blow cheese on top of it...oh baby.

Reply

Misswildsides | 22

#5269384 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:30

Who doesn't get turned on over the descriptive words of a mouth watering pizza?!

Reply

poopshreds | 10

#5269399 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

Just look at all that pepperoni and Italian sausage

Reply

maz95 | 17

#5269433 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:40

#9 actually had me somewhere..great job! :p

Reply

Osito2011 | 9

#5269507 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:02

Pizza is no laughing matter. It's up there next to the all mighty bacon!

Reply

Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5270246 - Saturday 22 December 2012 8:22

Oh, yes, grab that sausage and make pepperoni.

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#5270761 - Saturday 22 December 2012 15:41

pizza you so sexy...i wanna remove your toppings.

By klol_fml | 11

#5269291 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

At least you werent getting turned on by a banana or a donut.

Reply

bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269604 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:30

Or a banana and a donut

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269295 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

Everybody loves pizza, how could you not be turned on!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5270069 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:26

Yeah! Olive pizza!

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

Reply

manicethemage | 9

#5269411 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:36

Your comment made my day.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269301 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

Oh come on now!!! Who DOESN'T get turned on by a delicious slice of pizza???

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269316 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

That's dirty thinking.... I like you.

Reply

LolPieRofl | 11

#5270105 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:38

Oh yes now, slowly rub in the sauce, oh yes like that. Now gently sprinkle the cheese so that the sauce has something to hold on. Now roll it up and stick it up your ass. Good Day.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5270499 - Saturday 22 December 2012 12:33

Pizza kicks ass. I'd let it diddle my butthole any day.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5271537 - Saturday 22 December 2012 21:43

^says forever alone guy.

By Lauren324 | 18

#5269305 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

A pizza how sexy can it be? Why not something even better like Belgian waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream. Now I can dream about that....

By kevsandy303 | 12

#5269323 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:18

Well, pizza can look pretty saucy! Or was that pun too cheesy?

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269355 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:23

I thought that cheese joke was just grate.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5269618 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:35

I'm gonna Brie honest, that was whey too funny.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269622 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:37

no, now you're pieing too hard.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5269750 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:12

Forever provolone.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5269760 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:13

Alright guys, I think we Feta stop now. What if Pleonasm or DocBastard get a hold of our String of puns? This Curd be a long, Cerney thread, and nobody's Gouda do Jack about it.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269931 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:46

you're right for pizza sake.we'd better stop posting on this shred.

Reply

bluevayero | 42

#5270571 - Saturday 22 December 2012 13:07

mmmmmm Pizzaaaaaa.....

Reply

tsent8 | 15

#5270843 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:20

Really #72 you could have at least said c-c-c- COMBOBREAKER!!! Like the rest of us.

Reply

WolfFang2 | 2

#5272142 - Sunday 23 December 2012 3:16

Perdix lol. Again I c a comment from u on something

Reply

jezane | 9

#5272330 - Sunday 23 December 2012 4:42

... Right...
Well I don't blame op, after all a fresh out of the oven pizza is pretty hot.

By gracehi | 31

#5269334 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

You know what they say: Pussy is like pizza. If you have good pizza, it's great. If you have bad pizza...it's still pretty good.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269800 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:23

Or if its bad it gets all over your shirt?

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5269977 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:57

A bad pizza is a fishy pizza

By mega20913 | 8

#5269336 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

mmmmm.... pepperoni

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269402 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

My thoughts exactly.