Intimacy: Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

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Lockdown is driving us down

Buzzing the tower

Clean break

By Anonymous - United States - Porter

Dirty mind

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

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By vlcardenx3 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By snottyface - United States

Today, I was trying to sneak up my husband while he was playing a computer game. As I was getting behind the chair, he paused the game and sat up straight. I stopped. He turned around and sneezed violently and blew a bunch of snot into my face and eyes. FML

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By pantsareathing - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

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By haha247 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By Spanky - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

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By homerr123 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By selena5112 - Norway - Troms?

Today, my mum got the idea of switching to a different dishwashing detergent. The new one is so strong that it coats all the dishes in a nauseating perfume-like smell. It's so pungent that it gets absorbed into everything we eat or drink. She's determined to use up the entire bottle. FML

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By Bad at life

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

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By Lockedinroom - United States

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 02:03

Bambi 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I came downstairs to find that our dog's six puppies, who have their own puppy-door to go outside whenever they want, had peed and pooped all over the floor, walked through the pee, and were now happily chewing on a half-rotten deer's head which they had dragged inside. FML

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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By sucksssssss - France

Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriends mom walked in on us having sex. She is partially blind so she couldn’t tell what was going on. She had a full conversation while he was still inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Today, I was out shopping with my mom. While we were walking, a guy in a car honked at me. I'm not used to compliments, so I was pretty flattered and flashed him a smile. He looked back at me, confused, then shook his head and pointed at my mom. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

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By Faith - 9/2/2021 11:01

Idiocracy

Today, I got my vacation days denied because I'm "too valuable", while the moron I work with gets his days off because he's "easy to do without." Well, I guess I won't be spending much time with my girlfriend who flew across the country to see me. Glad I'm such a valuable employee. FML

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By Kendra_Nine - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old sister matter-of-factly said that she's going to get married before me if I don't stop wearing track pants. FML

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By Jimmy Joe

Today, I went to Houston to help with hurricane relief and to donate supplies. Later, I realized that I'd accidentally donated a bag that had my brand new truck keys in it. I've been waiting for 5 hours already to find it. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Atheist - United States - Portland

Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a woman asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ?" FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By Crossy - Australia

Today, a friend jokingly asked who in my relationship wears the pants. My girlfriend replied, "I'm not sure, but I've got photos to prove I don't wear the skirt." FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - Sweden - Uppsala

Bad timing

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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By notsolucky - United States - Stamford

Today, I won a lottery at my local grocery store. Excited, I went to claim my prize, only to discover it was a bottle of red wine. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By oh. - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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By linked - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me using LinkedIn, a platform people use to connect with potential employers. FML

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By Anurag1903 - 8/2/2021 12:31 - India

It ain't over til it's over

Today, finally in a the right state of mind to move on from my ex, she dropped a nuke in my life by stating she's getting married. FML

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By Single - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

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By Amithatevil - Japan - Kawasaki

Today, my brother told my 3 year old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By yaa - Canada

Today, on my way out of the subway station, I noticed an older woman standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs with a large cart. I went up to her and asked if she needed help getting it up the stairs. She looks me up and down and says, "No, not from you." FML

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By BrokeAF

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

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By Neversleepingthereagain - United States - Manchester

Today, during a sleepover at my friend's house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a dire need to pee. As I walked in the dark to the bathroom, I saw a silhouette in a doorway and instictively screamed. Turns out it was my friend's sister's One Direction cutout. FML

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By deewe - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I planned to go on a date with a man I met online. He came to my apartment to pick me up, and I told him I'd be right out as I grabbed my purse. When I got outside, he was gone. FML

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By confused - 9/2/2021 02:00 - United States

Oh, the patriarchy

Today, a coworker grabbed my ass for the third time. I went to my boss to complain about the sexual harassment. He told me to suck it up and enjoy the attention, and that it was my fault for having a huge, round ass. I think it's time for a new job. FML

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By YAABOIII - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

COMMENTS

By Snowble11 | 13

#5269272 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:10

Just imagine the food network

Reply

LO388 | 7

#5269524 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:06

Crème fraîche?

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269560 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:17

This isn't normal?....I need to stop going to Globogym...

Reply

seandoc | 13

#5269648 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:48

Boston Creme...

no?

Okay.

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#5270897 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:43

Omelette du fromage

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6079006 - Thursday 2 October 2014 5:26

Fap fap fap

By maz95 | 17

#5269277 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:11

Must've been described as one hell of a pizza!

Reply

enormouselephant | 15

#5269319 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

First we knead the dough, mmm digging our hands all in it. Then we rub pizza sauce all over it and blow cheese on top of it...oh baby.

Reply

Misswildsides | 22

#5269384 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:30

Who doesn't get turned on over the descriptive words of a mouth watering pizza?!

Reply

poopshreds | 10

#5269399 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

Just look at all that pepperoni and Italian sausage

Reply

maz95 | 17

#5269433 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:40

#9 actually had me somewhere..great job! :p

Reply

Osito2011 | 9

#5269507 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:02

Pizza is no laughing matter. It's up there next to the all mighty bacon!

Reply

Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5270246 - Saturday 22 December 2012 8:22

Oh, yes, grab that sausage and make pepperoni.

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#5270761 - Saturday 22 December 2012 15:41

pizza you so sexy...i wanna remove your toppings.

By klol_fml | 11

#5269291 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

At least you werent getting turned on by a banana or a donut.

Reply

bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269604 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:30

Or a banana and a donut

By bombshellbabee01 | 9

#5269295 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:13

Everybody loves pizza, how could you not be turned on!

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#5270069 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:26

Yeah! Olive pizza!

By redbluegreen | 40

#5269298 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:14

Cum in 30 minutes or less or it's free!

Reply

manicethemage | 9

#5269411 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:36

Your comment made my day.

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269301 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

Oh come on now!!! Who DOESN'T get turned on by a delicious slice of pizza???

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269316 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:17

That's dirty thinking.... I like you.

Reply

LolPieRofl | 11

#5270105 - Saturday 22 December 2012 6:38

Oh yes now, slowly rub in the sauce, oh yes like that. Now gently sprinkle the cheese so that the sauce has something to hold on. Now roll it up and stick it up your ass. Good Day.

Reply

Mister_Triangle | 21

#5270499 - Saturday 22 December 2012 12:33

Pizza kicks ass. I'd let it diddle my butthole any day.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5271537 - Saturday 22 December 2012 21:43

^says forever alone guy.

By Lauren324 | 18

#5269305 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:15

A pizza how sexy can it be? Why not something even better like Belgian waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream. Now I can dream about that....

By kevsandy303 | 12

#5269323 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:18

Well, pizza can look pretty saucy! Or was that pun too cheesy?

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269355 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:23

I thought that cheese joke was just grate.

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5269618 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:35

I'm gonna Brie honest, that was whey too funny.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269622 - Saturday 22 December 2012 4:37

no, now you're pieing too hard.

Reply

perdix | 29

#5269750 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:12

Forever provolone.

Reply

BunchieRules | 31

#5269760 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:13

Alright guys, I think we Feta stop now. What if Pleonasm or DocBastard get a hold of our String of puns? This Curd be a long, Cerney thread, and nobody's Gouda do Jack about it.

Reply

jdm_powered | 6

#5269931 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:46

you're right for pizza sake.we'd better stop posting on this shred.

Reply

bluevayero | 42

#5270571 - Saturday 22 December 2012 13:07

mmmmmm Pizzaaaaaa.....

Reply

tsent8 | 15

#5270843 - Saturday 22 December 2012 16:20

Really #72 you could have at least said c-c-c- COMBOBREAKER!!! Like the rest of us.

Reply

WolfFang2 | 2

#5272142 - Sunday 23 December 2012 3:16

Perdix lol. Again I c a comment from u on something

Reply

jezane | 9

#5272330 - Sunday 23 December 2012 4:42

... Right...
Well I don't blame op, after all a fresh out of the oven pizza is pretty hot.

By gracehi | 31

#5269334 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

You know what they say: Pussy is like pizza. If you have good pizza, it's great. If you have bad pizza...it's still pretty good.

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5269800 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:23

Or if its bad it gets all over your shirt?

Reply

LiterOfCola | 16

#5269977 - Saturday 22 December 2012 5:57

A bad pizza is a fishy pizza

By mega20913 | 8

#5269336 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:19

mmmmm.... pepperoni

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5269402 - Saturday 22 December 2012 3:34

My thoughts exactly.