Love: Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

16/05/2012 20:34

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 720

You deserved it 32 157

You tried

Sorry…

Check yourself

10/01/2009 08:21

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 784

You deserved it 6 186

Complete mockery

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 01:00

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 173

You deserved it 131

15/12/2016 22:49

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 760

You deserved it 14 090

06/01/2012 07:47

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 170

You deserved it 3 045

02/08/2010 00:20

Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 353

You deserved it 3 065

Yikes!

By Anonymous - 31/08/2010 05:21

Spicy

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 103

You deserved it 7 208

20/09/2014 23:39

Today, I had to stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom. A sign on the door told people to knock since the door didn't lock. As I was peeing, a lady walked in on me. Rather than simply saying sorry and shutting the damn door, she opened it wider and stepped in to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 936

You deserved it 2 904

19/08/2019 02:00

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 397

02/08/2010 17:55

Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 769

You deserved it 5 127

25/03/2016 16:05

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 048

You deserved it 2 708

25/05/2012 19:55

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 881

You deserved it 2 510

12/08/2017 11:00

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 877

You deserved it 232

06/07/2013 21:21

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 124

You deserved it 8 460

08/10/2009 15:29

Spicy

Today, I realized that I broke up with a man that loved me and was great in bed but was afraid of commitment, to be with a man that loves me, that is great in bed, and wants to be with me forever. So what's the problem? Now that we are committed, he won't get it on with me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 602

You deserved it 23 306

12/08/2009 04:13

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 806

You deserved it 4 598

11/03/2009 18:22

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 567

You deserved it 16 330

Too late

By Anonymous - 08/06/2009 13:25

Today, I was at my friend's house. It was dark and downpouring so I couldn't see as I was backing out of his driveway. I made it out, but then my phone went off, scaring me, and I accidentally hit the gas pedal, hitting his neighbor's parked car. Turns out he called to warn me to watch out for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 158

You deserved it 7 491

23/05/2014 22:46

Spicy

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 231

You deserved it 5 964

27/11/2009 23:36

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 302

You deserved it 49 403

26/05/2010 18:03

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 772

You deserved it 5 997

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 138

24/06/2015 18:49

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 311

You deserved it 1 840

15/09/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 277

You deserved it 3 101

15/10/2014 01:06

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 297

You deserved it 4 970

14/07/2015 17:28

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 2 619

25/07/2013 23:20

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 899

You deserved it 7 683

16/12/2018 14:00

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 392

02/11/2009 01:43

Today, I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn't need him. Turns out he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 522

You deserved it 14 885

Benjamin Button

By TooYoungForThis - 03/09/2019 20:00

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 125

Be happy for me

By IHaveThePower - 01/10/2021 20:00

Today, I got offered an interview for a great job. My father then spent the entire dinner telling me how pointless it was, and how I should apply to the factory next door because I would spend all the extra money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 55

11/01/2012 00:37

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 743

You deserved it 37 547

06/11/2015 20:47

Today, my roommate called me, but she's a cunt so I ignored her. A few hours later, I found out her mom and dad were in a serious car accident and she needed a ride to go see them at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 955

You deserved it 32 127

Awkward

By Nikki - 18/03/2009 03:15

Spicy

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 061

You deserved it 91 274

15/09/2009 02:56

Today, I asked my dad to pick me up from school, he said he couldn't. Why? he was busy playing world of warcraft for the night. I got to walk the 3 hours home while my 49 year old dad played computer games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 885

You deserved it 4 816

01/03/2010 00:03

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 886

You deserved it 2 009

27/11/2012 21:04

Spicy

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 4 142

Awkward

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to cuddle as we usually do. To prepare for this, the first thing I always do is dive into bed. This time, I felt something squishy under the covers, and screamed when I saw it was a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 795

Perv'

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 166

17/06/2013 19:56

Spicy

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 337

You deserved it 7 545

23/04/2018 16:00

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 989

You deserved it 216

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Top comments

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out? Giggity

PlutoPrincess222 9

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Comments

PlutoPrincess222 9

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Tuesdaythe10th 11

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:31

The moaning part sounds like what happens when i order ice caps at Tim Hortons

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:36

At least no one knew who you were but him.

tennisrapper1 14

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Thursday 17 May 2012 0:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Thursday 17 May 2012 0:29

I'll have a double quarter punder meal. Hold the orgasm.(God that was SOOO bad)

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Thursday 17 May 2012 2:17

and to think its not even bad joke sunday (yes it is a real thing)

PlutoPrincess222 9

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Thursday 17 May 2012 3:15

I like your style :)

PlutoPrincess222 9

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Thursday 17 May 2012 3:17

Well I wasn't sitting there going "wow so cool!" I just meant interesting as in of all the things she could have done she did that.

RavenRiley007 4

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Thursday 17 May 2012 8:54

Yeah one of the best inventions made that speaker phone!

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Thursday 17 May 2012 13:42

This is going to be one those moments OP & her bf look back on and laugh.

Skittles_Rawr 8

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Thursday 17 May 2012 0:23

No, I think they got regular excited

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Thursday 17 May 2012 6:29

With largee fries.

speedsk8r4evr 1

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Aw, man that sucks. Fyl! Hopefully he won't hold it against you :)

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Thursday 17 May 2012 18:22

Speedsk8r4ver love the hair

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:16

Wonder how the manager reacted

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Thursday 17 May 2012 0:25

He also asked if she wanted a toy with it

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Act like no one noticed and continue moaning to freak everyone out. Works every time! =]

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out? Giggity

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:39

Goo.

happle 21

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Thursday 17 May 2012 2:49

Jesus Christ that took me way too long to get it. But worth the lols. c:

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:18

Premature foodgasm?

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Thursday 17 May 2012 8:40

Any who has had Olive Garden breadsticks are familiar with this.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Thursday 17 May 2012 16:00

Me likey bread sticks!

AugustBurnsToast 14

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sweet sauce all over my body...Dane Cook anyone?

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:27

Lmao! He's freaking hilarious!

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:48

God help you both if Sirin catches wind of this. I won't tell, I promise. *sends up the Bastard signal*

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:50

I groan in despair after every one of his boring, unoriginal, mind-numbingly inane, idiotic jokes and wild gesticulations. The man thinks he is God's gift to humanity, but really, he needs an immediate lobotomy. But enough about DocBastard.

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Thursday 17 May 2012 0:03

*looks for the thumbs down button for the mods' comments* *shakes fist menacingly*

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Thursday 17 May 2012 2:16

:) ahhh love him!

TheEpicMilkMan 13

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Thursday 17 May 2012 6:13

daaamn Doc you going to take that? then again it is the moderator, we're all her bitch :(

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Thursday 17 May 2012 14:54

Fight the power!

random_person243 14

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Thursday 26 November 2015 2:17

and the pickles

mylifeisgreat9 13

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sexy

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:20

"Good Mood" Food eh?