Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 02:23 - United States

Today, one my friends died. All my crying gave me a headache, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me some aspirin. My headache didn't go away. Instead, I got diarrhea because my boyfriend gave me laxatives instead of aspirin as a "joke" to cheer me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By iamrose - 13/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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By presente13 - 17/5/2013 04:35 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Maju - 31/10/2019 04:00 - Netherlands

Dumb, but relatable

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

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By Abrams52 - 28/5/2013 05:44 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

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By Noname - 11/1/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

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By CUCKOO - 26/10/2013 21:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

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By Decibell - 18/4/2020 05:00

Round and round

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 17:31 - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

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By clkoko - 27/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

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By pickit - 25/2/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I brought to her attention a rather large zit on the corner of her mouth. She called me an insensitive prick. I only pointed it out because I didn't want other people to see it and make fun of her. FML

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By wedding leper - 23/1/2016 05:25 - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By CakeForBreakfast - 1/11/2019 02:00

Boomers

Today, I asked my father if I could have my grandfather's old vinyls, record player and vintage tube radio. He told me he threw those out years ago because, "Who listens to that crap anymore, now that we have mp3s?" FML

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By Zippermania9 - 11/8/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By MaeMoss - 18/7/2012 14:21 - United States

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

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By married an old man - 5/3/2013 17:57 - United States - Rancho Mirage

Today, I decided to come onto my husband to switch things up. When I started kissing and trying to undress him, he pushed me off, saying "What're you doing? Jeopardy's about to start." FML

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By NewMom - 16/8/2017 20:00

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By NoFriends - 2/8/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2016 11:35

Today, I explained to my boss what clickbait is and why it's bad practice to use it when writing online. After my explanation, she ordered me to go ahead with it, saying it's "exactly what we need". This person is the marketing communications director for a major multinational company. FML

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By UnicornPancake - 25/4/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

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By A girl - 27/6/2011 07:55 - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2020 03:00

We're up all night to not get some

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - 19/11/2016 18:34 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

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By Hoover - 1/12/2018 03:00

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Yellow Springs

Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML

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By Naomi - 10/11/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 16:00

Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who'd hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML

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By Menareidiots - 24/2/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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By TrueSoulmates - 11/4/2019 12:00

Today, after a year of struggling to get over my anxiety disorder so that I don't have a panic attack every time I go to see my boyfriend, I've been informed that his anxiety has now flared and he gets anxious when texting me. It's a lose-lose, and I'm now causing him the same hell I've felt. FML

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By needofmoney - 18/2/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 17:32 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 15:14

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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Top comments

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Comments

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Reply

Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#4444757 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:31

The moaning part sounds like what happens when i order ice caps at Tim Hortons

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4444777 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:36

At least no one knew who you were but him.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4444905 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

aruam365 | 24

#4445028 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445099 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:29

I'll have a double quarter punder meal. Hold the orgasm.(God that was SOOO bad)

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445647 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:17

and to think its not even bad joke sunday

(yes it is a real thing)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445874 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:15

I like your style :)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445876 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:17

Well I wasn't sitting there going "wow so cool!" I just meant interesting as in of all the things she could have done she did that.

Reply

RavenRiley007 | 4

#4446736 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:54

Yeah one of the best inventions made that speaker phone!

Reply

RussianFox | 13

#4447131 - Thursday 17 May 2012 13:42

This is going to be one those moments OP & her bf look back on and laugh.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4444615 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445080 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:23

No, I think they got regular excited

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#4446490 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:29

With largee fries.

By speedsk8r4evr | 1

#4444617 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Aw, man that sucks. Fyl! Hopefully he won't hold it against you :)

Reply

bigmackin35 | 0

#4447996 - Thursday 17 May 2012 18:22

Speedsk8r4ver love the hair

By Trisha_aus | 15

#4444624 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:16

Wonder how the manager reacted

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445086 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:25

He also asked if she wanted a toy with it

By ripresno | 10

#4444633 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Act like no one noticed and continue moaning to freak everyone out. Works every time! =]

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4444797 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:39

Goo.

Reply

happle | 21

#4445796 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:49

Jesus Christ that took me way too long to get it. But worth the lols. c:

By IdontWanna69 | 8

#4444647 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:18

Premature foodgasm?

Reply

Il_Maestro | 6

#4446699 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:40

Any who has had Olive Garden breadsticks are familiar with this.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4447453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 16:00

Me likey bread sticks!

By AugustBurnsToast | 14

#4444652 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sweet sauce all over my body...Dane Cook anyone?

Reply

JackSteely | 8

#4444723 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:27

Lmao! He's freaking hilarious!

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444877 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:48

God help you both if Sirin catches wind of this. I won't tell, I promise.

*sends up the Bastard signal*

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#4444891 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:50

I groan in despair after every one of his boring, unoriginal, mind-numbingly inane, idiotic jokes and wild gesticulations. The man thinks he is God's gift to humanity, but really, he needs an immediate lobotomy.

But enough about DocBastard.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444980 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:03

*looks for the thumbs down button for the mods' comments*

*shakes fist menacingly*

Reply

MrsStorms | 0

#4445641 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:16

:) ahhh love him!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4446453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:13

daaamn Doc you going to take that? then again it is the moderator, we're all her bitch :(

Reply

MedKits | 9

#4447300 - Thursday 17 May 2012 14:54

Fight the power!

Reply

random_person243 | 14

#6470648 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:17

and the pickles

By mylifeisgreat9 | 13

#4444669 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sexy

By Big_Chives | 7

#4444670 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:20

"Good Mood" Food eh?