Love: Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started... - FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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Serious times

BO Central

NRA fanboy

By up to no-good... - United States - Albuquerque

Who? Where? Why? What?

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Keep the peace

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

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By ColdFoot - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By soapgirl - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

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By c.hip - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By louise. - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By superfiedman - United States

Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML

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By Merdoc - United States

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Waldwick

Facebook Science

Today, I was going to hang out with my crush and tell him how I felt, but he cancelled because I had COVID 5 months ago and his mom is afraid I’m contagious. I’m safer to hang out with because I now have antibodies and can’t transmit it. I’ve also had 4 negative tests since then. FML

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By not getting any - 31/3/2020 08:00

Weeks?

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

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By gloomy

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By spooked - United States - Indianapolis

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

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By Whyme - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By little tooth - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

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By chelse_elyce - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in his car. We were in the front seat and I was on top. My ass hit the horn and scared my boyfriend so bad, he jumped, causing me to hit my head so hard that I swear I got a concussion. FML

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By ouch... - United States

Today, while trying to pull a nail out of some wood with a crowbar in my theatre class, my girlfriend, who was holding down the wood with her foot, thought it would be funny to move her foot and make me lose my balance. Instead, the crowbar flew up and struck me in the nuts. FML

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By Mandy - United States

Today, I found out that my grandfather, who is a retired Marine, has paid real money to buy ALL the Lady Gaga themed items for his farm in FarmVille. I don't know what's worse, that he did it, or that I'm jealous of not having that stuff. FML

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By Sigh - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

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By PoorMe - United States

Today, I muted the TV just in time to hear my mom yell at my dad about how their sex life is "non-existent". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By merse - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 11:02

Yeah, just blame me!

Today, after I found out my husband cheated on me and then yesterday had to stop him from trying to kill himself, he's now moved out and has decided that this is all my fault. FML

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By yeshehaspornaddiction - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend told me to completely shave off all of my already-groomed pubic area because, "It looks so unnatural." Ignoring the obvious lack of logic, I asked him why he keeps his totally ungroomed. Turns out "Men having hair is okay. Women aren't supposed to, though." FML

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By the un-loved child - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

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By thisisstupid_17

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

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By dany - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

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By lonely girl - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By i suck, this i know :( - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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Top comments

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

COMMENTS

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Reply

Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#4444757 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:31

The moaning part sounds like what happens when i order ice caps at Tim Hortons

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4444777 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:36

At least no one knew who you were but him.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4444905 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

aruam365 | 24

#4445028 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445099 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:29

I'll have a double quarter punder meal. Hold the orgasm.(God that was SOOO bad)

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445647 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:17

and to think its not even bad joke sunday

(yes it is a real thing)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445874 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:15

I like your style :)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445876 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:17

Well I wasn't sitting there going "wow so cool!" I just meant interesting as in of all the things she could have done she did that.

Reply

RavenRiley007 | 4

#4446736 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:54

Yeah one of the best inventions made that speaker phone!

Reply

RussianFox | 13

#4447131 - Thursday 17 May 2012 13:42

This is going to be one those moments OP & her bf look back on and laugh.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4444615 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445080 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:23

No, I think they got regular excited

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#4446490 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:29

With largee fries.

By speedsk8r4evr | 1

#4444617 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Aw, man that sucks. Fyl! Hopefully he won't hold it against you :)

Reply

bigmackin35 | 0

#4447996 - Thursday 17 May 2012 18:22

Speedsk8r4ver love the hair

By Trisha_aus | 15

#4444624 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:16

Wonder how the manager reacted

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445086 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:25

He also asked if she wanted a toy with it

By ripresno | 10

#4444633 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Act like no one noticed and continue moaning to freak everyone out. Works every time! =]

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4444797 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:39

Goo.

Reply

happle | 21

#4445796 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:49

Jesus Christ that took me way too long to get it. But worth the lols. c:

By IdontWanna69 | 8

#4444647 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:18

Premature foodgasm?

Reply

Il_Maestro | 6

#4446699 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:40

Any who has had Olive Garden breadsticks are familiar with this.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4447453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 16:00

Me likey bread sticks!

By AugustBurnsToast | 14

#4444652 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sweet sauce all over my body...Dane Cook anyone?

Reply

JackSteely | 8

#4444723 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:27

Lmao! He's freaking hilarious!

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444877 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:48

God help you both if Sirin catches wind of this. I won't tell, I promise.

*sends up the Bastard signal*

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#4444891 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:50

I groan in despair after every one of his boring, unoriginal, mind-numbingly inane, idiotic jokes and wild gesticulations. The man thinks he is God's gift to humanity, but really, he needs an immediate lobotomy.

But enough about DocBastard.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444980 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:03

*looks for the thumbs down button for the mods' comments*

*shakes fist menacingly*

Reply

MrsStorms | 0

#4445641 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:16

:) ahhh love him!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4446453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:13

daaamn Doc you going to take that? then again it is the moderator, we're all her bitch :(

Reply

MedKits | 9

#4447300 - Thursday 17 May 2012 14:54

Fight the power!

Reply

random_person243 | 14

#6470648 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:17

and the pickles

By mylifeisgreat9 | 13

#4444669 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sexy

By Big_Chives | 7

#4444670 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:20

"Good Mood" Food eh?