Love: Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started... - FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Mother of the year

Compassionate management

By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By talhabilal - Pakistan

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

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By anaph0re - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

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By hatinthelife - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

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By j_babydoll6520 - Australia

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

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By pizzacat - Australia

Tense

Today, I was conducting interviews and I could tell this particular candidate was really nervous, so I was extra nice. At the end, he was reluctant to shake my hand. On the way out I realised why: I had lost the top button on my low cut top, and he was nursing his appreciation of the view. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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By jenni - 6/4/2021 20:00

I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry

Today, my seven-year-old niece gave me a birthday card. Only she'd spelled my name as ‘Jenny.’ When I told her it was spelled with an i instead of a y, she cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By badnewsbears - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

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By not_very_smart - United States

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By bdayloser - Canada

Today, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Alone. My only birthday wish came from the police officer who gave me a ticket. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

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By alynna007 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I overheard my mother telling my sister that she expects my marriage to fall apart any day now. Apparently, I have no concept of what "marriage" really means. My husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary, while my mother is planning her 5th wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, whilst I was in a corner deli getting snacks, my girlfriend thought it would be funny to drive the car 50m down the street so that I would be confused when I come out... She was picked up by a cop driving without her license and now my car is impounded for 28 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to explain to my grandfather that Canadians aren't evil by reminding him that he's Canadian. FML

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By donnap - United States - North Highlands

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

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By bubblegum92 - Australia - Perth

Today, It was my fiancé's 21st birthday party. It ended with him too drunk to walk and wailing about how much he misses an ex girlfriend of his that he dumped 4 years ago. FML

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By PickYourselfUp - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By Katrina - 22/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Phoenix

People are dingdongs

Today, a guest came to the front desk and pretended to have a gun under his shirt while demanding passes to the water park. He was shocked when I had security remove him - he thought it was a funny joke. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By Oddity_C - United States

Today, while at work, I was picking up paper in the bathroom. In one stall I saw what I thought was a wadded piece of the brown paper to dry your hands. It wasn't until I realized it was sticking to my bare hand that I realized it was feces. Human feces. FML

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By AnnoyedWoman - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I went camping with my husband not too far from our house. We got our tent pitched up, stove ready and roll-out bed out. He then said, "I'm just gonna go for a walk." It had been about an hour before I decided to go find him. He had walked home to play CoD. FML

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By - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By whoops - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

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By annoyed - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By fckdorms - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By thecaptainmorgan - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

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By Anonymous

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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By hinting - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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By squeak - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By mags - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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Top comments

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

COMMENTS

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Reply

Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#4444757 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:31

The moaning part sounds like what happens when i order ice caps at Tim Hortons

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4444777 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:36

At least no one knew who you were but him.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4444905 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

aruam365 | 24

#4445028 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445099 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:29

I'll have a double quarter punder meal. Hold the orgasm.(God that was SOOO bad)

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445647 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:17

and to think its not even bad joke sunday

(yes it is a real thing)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445874 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:15

I like your style :)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445876 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:17

Well I wasn't sitting there going "wow so cool!" I just meant interesting as in of all the things she could have done she did that.

Reply

RavenRiley007 | 4

#4446736 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:54

Yeah one of the best inventions made that speaker phone!

Reply

RussianFox | 13

#4447131 - Thursday 17 May 2012 13:42

This is going to be one those moments OP & her bf look back on and laugh.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4444615 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445080 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:23

No, I think they got regular excited

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#4446490 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:29

With largee fries.

By speedsk8r4evr | 1

#4444617 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Aw, man that sucks. Fyl! Hopefully he won't hold it against you :)

Reply

bigmackin35 | 0

#4447996 - Thursday 17 May 2012 18:22

Speedsk8r4ver love the hair

By Trisha_aus | 15

#4444624 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:16

Wonder how the manager reacted

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445086 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:25

He also asked if she wanted a toy with it

By ripresno | 10

#4444633 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Act like no one noticed and continue moaning to freak everyone out. Works every time! =]

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4444797 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:39

Goo.

Reply

happle | 21

#4445796 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:49

Jesus Christ that took me way too long to get it. But worth the lols. c:

By IdontWanna69 | 8

#4444647 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:18

Premature foodgasm?

Reply

Il_Maestro | 6

#4446699 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:40

Any who has had Olive Garden breadsticks are familiar with this.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4447453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 16:00

Me likey bread sticks!

By AugustBurnsToast | 14

#4444652 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sweet sauce all over my body...Dane Cook anyone?

Reply

JackSteely | 8

#4444723 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:27

Lmao! He's freaking hilarious!

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444877 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:48

God help you both if Sirin catches wind of this. I won't tell, I promise.

*sends up the Bastard signal*

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#4444891 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:50

I groan in despair after every one of his boring, unoriginal, mind-numbingly inane, idiotic jokes and wild gesticulations. The man thinks he is God's gift to humanity, but really, he needs an immediate lobotomy.

But enough about DocBastard.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444980 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:03

*looks for the thumbs down button for the mods' comments*

*shakes fist menacingly*

Reply

MrsStorms | 0

#4445641 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:16

:) ahhh love him!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4446453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:13

daaamn Doc you going to take that? then again it is the moderator, we're all her bitch :(

Reply

MedKits | 9

#4447300 - Thursday 17 May 2012 14:54

Fight the power!

Reply

random_person243 | 14

#6470648 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:17

and the pickles

By mylifeisgreat9 | 13

#4444669 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sexy

By Big_Chives | 7

#4444670 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:20

"Good Mood" Food eh?