Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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KoBabe

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

TMI

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2010 13:24 - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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By Youalreadyknowmyname - 19/7/2019 14:00 - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, a guy asked me my name and I told him it's Holly. He then asked if I was "real or a Holligram?" Apparently, The Office is the best, and only place to get pick up lines. FML

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By me - 13/1/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

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By naughtyshirt - 22/8/2009 09:29 - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 06:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, my legs were really sore from working out yesterday, so it hurt going down the stairs at work. To avoid the pain, l ignored how stupid I looked and limped down the staircase. When I finally got to the bottom, I hopped off the last step. And twisted my ankle. FML

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By Jane - 7/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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By SeatofIgnorance - 29/8/2017 04:30

Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 20:39 - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

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By Steve - 30/9/2011 10:18 - New Zealand

Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML

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By Acolyte of the Bacon God - 15/2/2013 19:50 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

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By LCDhell - 14/11/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

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By MyLife - 6/2/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

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By naas1201 - 10/5/2020 23:00

It's not working

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2013 10:34 - United States - Sanford

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

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By habbsrule - 15/6/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By losing the plot - 8/4/2015 19:36 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By scared shitless in ohio - 25/9/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2014 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

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By Ecolo-girl - 11/3/2016 06:22 - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 03:19 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By anonymous - 7/3/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

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By forever alone - 19/6/2014 22:26 - United States - Pawling

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

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By Belt issues - 9/6/2016 12:21 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML

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By Alex - 26/6/2014 21:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Moving on

Today, I saw yet another dear friend from uni get married, living the good life in their new home. Here am I in my 30s, with no love life, and feeling like that's never going to be for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 12:40 - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

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By rangerluke - 25/2/2016 15:52 - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By manicmandy - 1/8/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

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By Tbelle - 25/10/2017 19:00

Today, my brother texted me a picture of his "upcoming disconnect" notice for his utility bill and asked if I could loan him the money to pay it. All I could give him was a picture of my "disconnected" notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street with my acoustic guitar on my back. I saw a girl that I like coming down the opposite way, so I decided to play my guitar to try and impress her. I started to tune it quickly, but while I wasn't paying attention, I ran into a pole. Now my guitar is cracked. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

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By bridetobe - 22/7/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

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By m - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, we went to the mall and my husband picked me out some perfume. When I asked him why he liked that particular one he responded with, "that's what's the stripper at my bachelor party was wearing." He was completely serious. FML

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By HelpPlease - 11/2/2016 23:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

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By Joey - 24/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By Notorch - 23/5/2012 15:53 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2018 01:30

WTF?

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

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Top comments

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

COMMENTS

By PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4444606 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:14

Well that was an interesting move on your part haha :)

Reply

Tuesdaythe10th | 11

#4444757 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:31

The moaning part sounds like what happens when i order ice caps at Tim Hortons

Reply

kayla_ann0o | 9

#4444777 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:36

At least no one knew who you were but him.

Reply

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4444905 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

aruam365 | 24

#4445028 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445099 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:29

I'll have a double quarter punder meal. Hold the orgasm.(God that was SOOO bad)

Reply

Dr0reos | 8

#4445647 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:17

and to think its not even bad joke sunday

(yes it is a real thing)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445874 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:15

I like your style :)

Reply

PlutoPrincess222 | 9

#4445876 - Thursday 17 May 2012 3:17

Well I wasn't sitting there going "wow so cool!" I just meant interesting as in of all the things she could have done she did that.

Reply

RavenRiley007 | 4

#4446736 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:54

Yeah one of the best inventions made that speaker phone!

Reply

RussianFox | 13

#4447131 - Thursday 17 May 2012 13:42

This is going to be one those moments OP & her bf look back on and laugh.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4444615 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445080 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:23

No, I think they got regular excited

Reply

ss_20_xx | 14

#4446490 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:29

With largee fries.

By speedsk8r4evr | 1

#4444617 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:15

Aw, man that sucks. Fyl! Hopefully he won't hold it against you :)

Reply

bigmackin35 | 0

#4447996 - Thursday 17 May 2012 18:22

Speedsk8r4ver love the hair

By Trisha_aus | 15

#4444624 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:16

Wonder how the manager reacted

Reply

memob123 | 0

#4445086 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:25

He also asked if she wanted a toy with it

By ripresno | 10

#4444633 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Act like no one noticed and continue moaning to freak everyone out. Works every time! =]

By zingline89 | 18

#4444637 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:17

Do you always moan when your boyfriend eats out?

Giggity

Reply

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4444797 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:39

Goo.

Reply

happle | 21

#4445796 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:49

Jesus Christ that took me way too long to get it. But worth the lols. c:

By IdontWanna69 | 8

#4444647 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:18

Premature foodgasm?

Reply

Il_Maestro | 6

#4446699 - Thursday 17 May 2012 8:40

Any who has had Olive Garden breadsticks are familiar with this.

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4447453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 16:00

Me likey bread sticks!

By AugustBurnsToast | 14

#4444652 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sweet sauce all over my body...Dane Cook anyone?

Reply

#4444723 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:27

Lmao! He's freaking hilarious!

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444877 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:48

God help you both if Sirin catches wind of this. I won't tell, I promise.

*sends up the Bastard signal*

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#4444891 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:50

I groan in despair after every one of his boring, unoriginal, mind-numbingly inane, idiotic jokes and wild gesticulations. The man thinks he is God's gift to humanity, but really, he needs an immediate lobotomy.

But enough about DocBastard.

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#4444980 - Thursday 17 May 2012 0:03

*looks for the thumbs down button for the mods' comments*

*shakes fist menacingly*

Reply

MrsStorms | 0

#4445641 - Thursday 17 May 2012 2:16

:) ahhh love him!

Reply

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4446453 - Thursday 17 May 2012 6:13

daaamn Doc you going to take that? then again it is the moderator, we're all her bitch :(

Reply

MedKits | 9

#4447300 - Thursday 17 May 2012 14:54

Fight the power!

Reply

random_person243 | 14

#6470648 - Thursday 26 November 2015 2:17

and the pickles

By mylifeisgreat9 | 13

#4444669 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:19

Sexy

By Big_Chives | 7

#4444670 - Wednesday 16 May 2012 23:20

"Good Mood" Food eh?