Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and...

By therevsev - 2/10/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

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Intimacy

Does it taste good?

Compassion

Don't give up

By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 12:14 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By LocallyBrewed - 27/2/2015 04:11 - United States

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time, 29 years into my life. They turned out to be two of the most pathetic people I have ever met, and the meeting ended after they asked me to lend them money because I "literally owe them my life." FML

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By anne - 7/1/2016 12:00 - Germany

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

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37126

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By lord kuntface - 22/8/2013 21:33 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my computer stopped connecting to the corporate network. I know what the problem is, but our tech support is so clueless that the only thing they do is utter the dreaded words, "Did you try turning it off and back on?" Meanwhile my boss is yelling at me for not getting any work done. FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By JustCantWin - 17/10/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I called my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Now my mom's mad at my dad for forgetting, and my dad's mad at me for reminding her. FML

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By miley098 - 2/11/2011 16:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from school, only to find I was locked out. The cars were all there, but no one was in. It wasn't until I heard continuous banging from my parents' window that it clicked. They locked me out for over an hour in freezing weather just to have sex. FML

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By thegoalie - 16/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Yoga for Dummies

Today, I overheard this girl I don't really know say that she had cramps. Trying to be helpful, I turned round and told her she should stretch out where she had them. She then asked how the fuck she was supposed to stretch her ovaries. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By Noname - 24/1/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

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By scared shitless - 10/12/2013 09:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By forever_young - 13/5/2016 13:03 - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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13834

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By j - 1/3/2011 06:26

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By devilboy - 6/7/2011 11:26 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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58903

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By jessica - 2/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By Bitch - 26/5/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

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By curly_eyelashes - 24/2/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By Kensie - 4/3/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

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By boyfriendless - 10/4/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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66729

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By I_dislike_Twilight - 8/9/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2020 14:00

My husband's passion

Today, my husband loves his cat more than our new baby daughter. This morning he spent 2 hours playing with the cat, yet when I handed him his flesh and blood daughter, he found an excuse to hand her back after 5 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, he was playing with the cat again. FML

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By frozenpoo - 21/1/2015 02:05 - United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

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By Anaconda - 7/3/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By D-Man - 8/2/2012 13:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

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By Erasmus - 27/10/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By Liar Liar - 12/2/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 02:52 - United States

Today, I parked my car on the street to go to the gym. When I came back my car was blocked by a parade of people. I turned to a shop worker smoking a cigarette and said "Jesus! What the hell is going on?" I got many strange looks. It was a Good Friday parade lead by a local church. FML

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17717

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By SporadiCOOL - 27/8/2019 00:01

Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML

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2422

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By kernelkat - 6/11/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

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28564

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 12:30 - United States

Today, my roommate used my PC without asking. Long story short, it's now infected with ransomware. The dissertation I've been working on for months is now encrypted, along with all the backups on my second hard drive. Now I have to pay the hackers $1,500 to get the decryption key. FML

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By TheFatOne - 31/8/2014 19:27 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

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By footinmouth - 13/9/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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Top comments

By iheartbewbies | 0

#3376148 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:37

Drink a redbull. I heard it gives you wings. Then maybe she'll suck the meat out of you.

Sigh... I tried.

By perdix | 29

#3376158 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:41

Slightly turned on? I'm exceptionally turned on by the image of your wife sucking meat off bones. Of course, she was doing something similar to me last night, so the symbolism is more obvious to me. Sorry, bro.

Comments

By storyofthemonth | 0

#3376141 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:31

See a doctor.

newzealand | 28

#3376178 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:50

Or be a man about it and offer the woman some dessert.

Tennispro349 | 2

#3376531 - Sunday 2 October 2011 15:17

1 Maybe YOU should see a doctor.

chrishaparker | 0

#3376546 - Sunday 2 October 2011 15:21

op should tell his wife how he feeels .

Skittlepickle | 13

#3377397 - Sunday 2 October 2011 16:32

"Hey, love...I saw you eating chicken, and it made me want to have sex with you."

belkinbra | 12

#3377508 - Sunday 2 October 2011 16:47

You can always ask her if she wants some 'ranch dressing' with that.

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3378000 - Sunday 2 October 2011 18:09

It's been a long time since OP has seen breasts, thighs, or legs. Chicken parts can do that to a man.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3378431 - Sunday 2 October 2011 19:27

I'd hate to see what happens when see eats a polish hot dog.

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#3378730 - Sunday 2 October 2011 20:46

Yeah, you suck on that juicy bone..

MagicGiraffe | 12

#3380326 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:22

I'm jealous of OPs wife, those wings sound good

EvilPotato | 14

#3380391 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:35

1 you bastard, you stole that name from StoryOfTheYear.

ck11_fml | 1

#3613884 - Monday 21 November 2011 9:05

or you could just be a man and carry her and the chicken to the bedroom. she'll get the point

By iheartbewbies | 0

#3376148 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:37

Drink a redbull. I heard it gives you wings. Then maybe she'll suck the meat out of you.

Sigh... I tried.

TheFlyingMan | 8

#3376326 - Sunday 2 October 2011 14:03

lolwutt

Neonnight | 0

#3376480 - Sunday 2 October 2011 14:56

Weird

iamaleccarlson | 0

#3376503 - Sunday 2 October 2011 15:06

Or drink a redbull cut off the wings and bitch slap your wife with them

HideouslyHuman | 10

#3377229 - Sunday 2 October 2011 16:02

Make sure you soak them in sauce,the effect won't be the same otherwise....

97090370 | 0

#3377863 - Sunday 2 October 2011 17:38

Remember, always practice safe meat sucking

poostool | 5

#3378290 - Sunday 2 October 2011 19:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Georgieeporgiee | 9

#3379321 - Sunday 2 October 2011 23:32

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Iheartfunny | 1

#3380291 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:11

Holy shit two you are a genius.

You deserve a cookie

Georgieeporgiee | 9

#3388568 - Wednesday 5 October 2011 0:09

I like cookies.
Although they make you fat.
So I don't want one thanks!:)

By iheartbewbies | 0

#3376154 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:39

What about having fun with yourself with animals using a fleshlight on an animal porn site? I like to do a bit of everythig.

By Doortje | 28

#3376155 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:39

Jealous of dead meat.. That's a new low point, buddy.

By perdix | 29

#3376158 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:41

kickazz16 | 15

#3378836 - Sunday 2 October 2011 21:13

Oh perdix. You make us giggle.

Millman_fml | 9

#3379150 - Sunday 2 October 2011 22:48

Oooo dis!! Lol

eternalibra | 14

#3380639 - Monday 3 October 2011 5:29

Perdix will you f me

katie1014 | 0

#3480868 - Monday 24 October 2011 4:52

Hahahaha

By torikushi | 7

#3376160 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:43

Well, this is something new.

By DjeePee | 24

#3376162 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:43

There is a standard answer to these kind of FML's and it's called: 'communication'. Just give it a try.

DjeePee | 24

#3376408 - Sunday 2 October 2011 14:31

I suggest we won't give that a try.

rhysfucker | 24

#3376551 - Sunday 2 October 2011 15:23

Another one that generally works for me is called 'back rub' which then moves into 'foreplay'. 9 out of 10 people who get laid recommend it...

streetclosed | 0

#3379027 - Sunday 2 October 2011 22:11

Fag

streetclosed | 0

#3379043 - Sunday 2 October 2011 22:15

KEEV IS A F-A-G

a_nutritionist | 10

#3381859 - Monday 3 October 2011 13:38

@9 theres really nothing in this fml that suggests he isnt communicating.

By denvan | 0

#3376167 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:45

Add some sauce to your meat, maybe that will do the trick

Enslaved | 36

#3377159 - Sunday 2 October 2011 15:42

But not the hot wing sauce.... I could only imagine that it would burn. Ouch!

pixelebrate | 0

#3381707 - Monday 3 October 2011 12:33

Mama likes it hot.

By LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3376176 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:49

Well make a move?

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3376185 - Sunday 2 October 2011 12:53

Dude you totally need to get laid, or at least do what guys do when they dont get any action

jellenwood | 34

#3377293 - Sunday 2 October 2011 16:15

Which is?

rexgar2000 | 10

#3378738 - Sunday 2 October 2011 20:47

for a second a thought he ment cheat but porn sounds about right.