Valentine's slay, Successful breakups and Work: Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights...

By Anonymous - 30/01/2012 17:28 - United States

Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights in a row, I'm scheduled to work the night shift on Valentine's day with my ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 102

You deserved it 3 852

gingerleigh tells us more.

gingerleigh 1

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Monday 31 January 2011 4:54

it's not a full time job. It's my 2nd job. I'm also in school. I'm not working all 5 nights with him, just 2 including the last, but it's still going to be extreme an extreme over load of work.

Valentine's slay Successful breakups Work

Dementia or hate? You decide

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Late term

By Anonymous - 19/07/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 703

You deserved it 3 409

By thesparrow - 06/02/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 463

You deserved it 2 362

By Peachtree - 04/06/2018 15:00

Today, I learned that the super cute guy I've been dating for the last 4 weeks is a total gross slob. His house was like a garbage skip, literally ankle deep in garbage, pizza boxes, old crud, and filth. It stank of cat urine and there was poop residue in his toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 608

You deserved it 447

Stuck in a rut

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 20:00

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 287

By rejected - 28/03/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 156 929

You deserved it 28 792

By Cinderella - 09/07/2017 14:55

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 865

You deserved it 2 316

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 679

You deserved it 6 748

By Anonymous - 24/03/2012 22:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I started my research project on horror stories and people's fascination with them. I did some research and wound up reading H.P. Lovecraft. On the upside, I can now pee more easily. On the downside, it's likely to be in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 925

You deserved it 4 519

Miracles

By smyp - 24/12/2015 17:34 - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 167

You deserved it 1 593

By weeping_angel_ - 12/07/2014 14:00 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was watching adult videos in my apartment. I'm deaf, so I didn't realize my volume was at full blast until I put my hand over the speaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 907

You deserved it 13 888

By failing - 28/04/2017 01:00 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, after searching frantically for my economics notes for a week, I asked my friend to send me pictures of her's. I recognised my handwriting on the pictures she sent me and she admitted she "borrowed" them. The exam is in three days and she refuses to meet me and give my notes back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 432

You deserved it 358

Not. Helping.

By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 377

You deserved it 431

By coltsfoot - 23/05/2010 09:08 - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 267

You deserved it 7 063

By Storm - 23/09/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 814

You deserved it 5 898

Relativity

By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 17:01

Today, I found out my husband of 8 years has been cheating on me, so I decided to let the lady's husband know that she was unfaithful as well. His response was that I ruined his day. This has ruined mine and my kids lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 195

Snap!

By fryebaby623 - 13/11/2015 05:47 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 212

You deserved it 3 202

By seekerglow176 - 27/04/2013 12:42 - United States - Natick

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 831

You deserved it 5 125

By strikeout - 04/09/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 660

You deserved it 8 183

Waste of time

By I'mmessedup - 29/09/2021 22:59

Today, after weeks of every excuse not to, my wife wanted sex. It was amazing, and she had at least 3 orgasms. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up like someone kicked her and started bitching about all the things she could have been doing, as she got dressed and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 428

You deserved it 210

By peter - 11/09/2009 04:33 - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 674

You deserved it 2 974

By scarlett666 - 05/06/2009 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 850

You deserved it 5 561

By D.J. - 25/01/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 834

You deserved it 6 492

By blotchy-girl - 15/07/2009 04:00 - New Zealand

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 999

You deserved it 6 705

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 457

You deserved it 1 358

By Eleanor - 19/02/2017 23:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 775

You deserved it 602

By swedishguy - 05/10/2009 17:22 - Sweden

Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 238

You deserved it 4 990

By use your brain mother - 16/06/2015 05:47 - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 647

You deserved it 2 349

By Snurkles McGee - 22/05/2013 21:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 439

You deserved it 3 654

Not now

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 085

You deserved it 2 596

By Ashleigh - 02/03/2012 22:53 - Australia

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 896

You deserved it 32 961

Talk to me

By brendejafulable - 15/08/2020 14:02

Today, I had a conversation about how my day was, while dreaming. That’s how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 26/03/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, I woke up in jail charged with a DWI. I wasn't drinking last night and the only thing I remember is taking my prescription sleep medicine and lying down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 283

You deserved it 2 564

Please?

By mandinga - 06/09/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 250

You deserved it 6 717

By knobbed - 27/01/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 858

You deserved it 4 869

It is weird

By huh? - 28/09/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 223

By Disgusted - 04/02/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 170

You deserved it 10 723

By bobjope - 28/02/2015 04:14

Today, my mother confused the terms 'necromancy' and 'necrophilia'. We had a great talk about why you shouldn't have sex with dead people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 155

You deserved it 2 726

By GK - 08/05/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 810

You deserved it 7 730

Backseat drivers

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 10:00

Today, he’s the worst backseat driver ever: first he demands I drive more slowly, then when I swerve slightly because he startled me, he promptly admonishes me to stay in my lane. "He"? Well, he’s not actually a person. He’s my very high-tech rental car, who won’t shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 259

Vicious and unprovoked

By Anonymous - 12/07/2020 05:01

Today, while I was playing football with a friend, my sister wanted to join in. She was messing around with the ball at the start, then suddenly she kicked the ball through my legs, pulled my shorts down and kneed me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 172

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Top comments

docscientist 9

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

Can't spell sex without ex.

Doortje 29

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:17

Maybe Cupid will come along and things will work out great. Or you end up having sex for memories' sake. Or it's just going to be awkward. Who knows?! Only one way to find out. Or, since it's only Valentine's Day in two weeks, you could ask a co-worker to switch shifts? I'd pick a single one if I were you ;)

wuhangdilly 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:08

first

Takador 3

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:52

Oh Valentines Day, what a dreadfull day!

BlackOpsPWNR 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 4:50

it's a sign....

z620 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:05

get sum?

krazygirl100 9

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 23:04

your chance to get back together

Mpsteve13 7

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:14

ydi for having a job

Doortje 29

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:17

UpsidedownKayak 9

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:46

Sex, sex, sex, is that all you think about? Stop thinking with your flower penis!

Doortje 29

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:53

It is; I'm a nymphomaniac. How did you think I perfected my pornographic gaze?!

UpsidedownKayak 9

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Monday 31 January 2011 1:12

I don't know how you perfected it but it was magical and I want some more, even though I feel like a squeezed purple chipmunk. I think I am developing an addiction but they don't have Pornographic gazers Anonymous. I am so screwed.

SexiiForever 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:18

I agree you life is fu*cked!

macskapingvin 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:26

Like ghosts and stuff, right?

experience333 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:30

look like sexy tiem to me

mycookiezz 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

Like parties... In people's pants...

LightningLadyy 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 1:40

The Hash Slinging Slasher.... O.o Edit: this is a reply to #2. It messed up. Real shocker.

perdix 29

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

If he dumped you, then maybe it's your chance to get him back (even if it's just for a night of pity sex.) On the other hand, if you dumped him, then this could be your chance to admit you were wrong about him and bring him back into your life. In any case, Valentine's Day is a money-making scam of the greeting card, chocolate, jewelry and flower industries! You should treat your lover special every day, and if you only make the effort a few times a year, prepare to be taken for granted, neglected, dumped and/or cheated on.