Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights...

By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 17:28 - United States

Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights in a row, I'm scheduled to work the night shift on Valentine's day with my ex-boyfriend. FML

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gingerleigh Say more :

it's not a full time job. It's my 2nd job. I'm also in school. I'm not working all 5 nights with him, just 2 including the last, but it's still going to be extreme an extreme over load of work.

Valentine's slay

Successful breakups

Work

Does it taste good?

Assumptions

Empathy hurts

By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 14:35 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

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By ChoirGuy - 7/2/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

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By Spider-Sham - 28/5/2017 16:00

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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By naughtyshirt - 22/8/2009 09:29 - Australia

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read "My mom's easy i'm living proof." Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By Michelle - 9/1/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

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By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By Mumbling Mutt101 - 15/8/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - 11/3/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By thanksgrandpa - 8/3/2016 20:08 - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

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By Rex - 16/9/2017 16:15 - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By Fire_Princess16 - 17/10/2017 04:20

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

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By o_O - 23/6/2013 17:26 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 23:20 - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By lifebecrazed - 17/1/2013 16:57

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

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By J - 7/2/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

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By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By omgjessp - 19/7/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my cat came through my window, holding a dead rat in her mouth and dropped it in my pile of clothes. I then asked my dad if he could get the dead rat out of my room. After looking for an hour, he couldn't find it. Guess the rat wasn't dead after all. FML

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By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By bigdaddy - 25/9/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

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By - 16/1/2020 18:00

I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Stalkerella - 8/5/2018 05:51

Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

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By Rash - 6/12/2011 16:54 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

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By Cromwel620 - 23/2/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I was working the night shift at the hotel I'm employed at. After checking in a young couple to the room above the main office, I was forced to listen to them having it off for most of the night, serving a very loud reminder that I've been single for five years. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 04:29 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my son, who seems to think that he is a "gangsta" despite being a white boy from the suburbs, cried because I accidentally burned his grilled cheese. He's 28. FML

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By Casper - 11/2/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

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By Van - 20/12/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

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By valnaj1 - 25/12/2012 03:03 - Denmark - Vamdrup

Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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By gunnar - 20/9/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 07:07 - Canada - London

Today, my mom wouldn't let me go to the YMCA pool with the rest of the family. She said that the sound my thighs make when they rub together is "embarrassing". FML

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Top comments

By docscientist | 9

#2027092 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

Can't spell sex without ex.

By Doortje | 28

#2026982 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:17

Maybe Cupid will come along and things will work out great. Or you end up having sex for memories' sake. Or it's just going to be awkward. Who knows?! Only one way to find out.

Or, since it's only Valentine's Day in two weeks, you could ask a co-worker to switch shifts? I'd pick a single one if I were you ;)

COMMENTS

By wuhangdilly | 0

#2026953 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:08

first

Takador | 3

#2027097 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:52

Oh Valentines Day, what a dreadfull day!

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2027703 - Monday 31 January 2011 4:50

it's a sign....

z620 | 0

#2032975 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 14:05

get sum?

krazygirl100 | 9

#2781818 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 23:04

your chance to get back together

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2026973 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:14

ydi for having a job

By Doortje | 28

#2026982 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:17

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2027070 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:46

Sex, sex, sex, is that all you think about? Stop thinking with your flower penis!

Doortje | 28

#2027101 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:53

It is; I'm a nymphomaniac. How did you think I perfected my pornographic gaze?!

UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2027152 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:12

I don't know how you perfected it but it was magical and I want some more, even though I feel like a squeezed purple chipmunk. I think I am developing an addiction but they don't have Pornographic gazers Anonymous. I am so screwed.

By SexiiForever | 0

#2026984 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:18

I agree you life is fu*cked!

By macskapingvin | 0

#2027008 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:26

Like ghosts and stuff, right?

By experience333 | 0

#2027021 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:30

look like sexy tiem to me

By mycookiezz | 0

#2027087 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

Like parties... In people's pants...

LightningLadyy | 0

#2027231 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:40

The Hash Slinging Slasher.... O.o

Edit: this is a reply to #2. It messed up. Real shocker.

By perdix | 29

#2027089 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

If he dumped you, then maybe it's your chance to get him back (even if it's just for a night of pity sex.) On the other hand, if you dumped him, then this could be your chance to admit you were wrong about him and bring him back into your life.

In any case, Valentine's Day is a money-making scam of the greeting card, chocolate, jewelry and flower industries! You should treat your lover special every day, and if you only make the effort a few times a year, prepare to be taken for granted, neglected, dumped and/or cheated on.

By docscientist | 9

#2027092 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:50

Can't spell sex without ex.

By purplestar16 | 0

#2027105 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:54

oh dude that sux !!!!! your right FYL!!