Intimacy: Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and...

By lovely - 19/12/2011 06:43 - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 412

You deserved it 4 562

Intimacy

Walk the line

Batman

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 07:17 - United States

Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 422

You deserved it 8 917

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 6 970

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 11:37 - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 680

You deserved it 13 750

By Anonymous - 21/07/2014 15:58 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 518

You deserved it 22 187

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 462

You deserved it 31 903

If it's brown, let it float around.

By Anonymous - 12/03/2017 07:00 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, for the millionth time, I walked into a complete smellhole of a bathroom, because my almost ten-year-old sister not only never flushes, but she doesn't wipe either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 229

You deserved it 340

By heartless - 15/05/2009 06:14 - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 057

You deserved it 10 335

By watch_corn_dance - 08/04/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 010

You deserved it 3 539

By Sarah - 24/07/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was directing traffic at work during one of the hottest days of the year. Not only do I have to stand in the heat and exhaust fumes for minimum wage, I also had to endure people asking me "Aren't you hot?" as they drove past me in their air conditioned cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 274

You deserved it 3 622

By James - 23/04/2017 02:00

Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 074

You deserved it 757

By SaMike - 01/09/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 664

You deserved it 4 706

By lactose intolerant - 28/01/2019 15:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my little sister thought I was making up I’m lactose intolerant, so she swapped my dairy-free milk with regular milk. I’m writing this from the toilet and I’ve been here for at least 20 minutes, with cramps and diarrhoea. She’s also complaining about the foul smell coming from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 739

You deserved it 159

By BW - 03/01/2010 16:04 - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 032

You deserved it 5 462

By and god shat - 11/07/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 199

You deserved it 9 051

By snowbunny - 11/01/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I got snowed in. At work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 960

You deserved it 2 907

By Anonymous - 17/08/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 241

You deserved it 3 829

By Lori - 04/11/2015 18:46 - United States - Littleton

Today, I agreed to go on a date with this really nice guy. Halfway through the date he starts talking about his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 694

You deserved it 1 961

By Anonymous - 11/05/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 532

You deserved it 6 719

Olympic kerfuffle

By Stace - 29/07/2021 16:01 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my dad went on a rant about the US Olympics gymnastics team, claiming that it was a disgrace that someone dropped out, and that it was disrespecting "our flag". He's never watched the Olympic games ever, not to mention any gymnastics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 107

By samaram - 04/06/2013 06:47 - United States

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 911

You deserved it 3 924

By soapy - 01/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 015

You deserved it 8 913

By sharky - 20/01/2012 21:17 - United States

Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 524

You deserved it 45 649

Fuck your "beach body" noise

By that’s not how it works - 16/07/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my daughter expressed wanting to lose weight so I took her to a licensed dietician nutritionist to get her a healthy eating plan, and even made her an appointment with a personal trainer to get her on track. I walked in on her eating a whole box of laxatives, because "this way is faster." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 92

By "burnuptowndow" - 30/09/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 211

By mydadsawsooomuch - 17/11/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 091

You deserved it 9 782

By what even - 14/05/2015 22:17 - United States - Athens

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 4 825

By Anonymous - 28/06/2015 05:13 - United States - Corona

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 888

You deserved it 2 605

By bureaucracy - 29/01/2017 13:00 - United States - Bellingham

Today I went to the bus station to pick up a lost phone. Even after calling ahead the day before, I was turned away because I hadn't e-mailed. The website says to call and doesn't list an e-mail. I still don't have the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 563

You deserved it 438

By vee2013 - 26/04/2014 04:22 - Canada - London

Today, I finally decided to do something productive and clean my room. When I went to pick up the first thing off my floor I hit my head on my desk and gave myself a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 126

You deserved it 6 909

By anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:27

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 292

You deserved it 3 160

That hurts, BTW

By phillij2 - 09/07/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 6 286

By Chuffy - 01/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 043

You deserved it 42 920

By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 126

You deserved it 3 327

By Anonymous - 24/03/2014 20:28 - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 030

You deserved it 6 537

By goodgrief - 05/03/2013 05:08 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I parked next to a police officer's car in a bad part of town. When I got out, I saw a bag of pot on the ground between the cop's car and mine. When I pointed it out to him, he insisted it was mine and interrogated me to the point of tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 448

You deserved it 4 922

It's close enough

By Jaymail - 17/08/2020 08:01

Today, after many hours studying a complete course of Spanish, I felt really good. I had accomplished something, something I could really use next week when I fly to Mexico on vacation. Then I found out what I had learned was Spanish as they speak it in Spain, not how they speak it in Latin America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 1 037

By Achoo - 15/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 826

You deserved it 5 105

By letmedienow - 11/10/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, after being admitted to the emergency room for severe abdominal pain, my boyfriend shouted out in front of my parents, "At least she isn't pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 453

You deserved it 3 382

Smells like victory

By Gagging - 15/06/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 375

You deserved it 2 767

By Arthurie - 24/07/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 019

You deserved it 5 144

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Top comments

ThomasAZ 3

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:05

Doggy style!

imustbeinsane 2

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:07

Don't ask what breed, it'll only hurt more. *cough* bulldog *cough*

ThomasAZ 3

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:05

Doggy style!

AyeTee77 18

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:11

That will probably just make her cry more.

ambowew 7

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:12

At least she won't be able to see his face, then.

RealChinese 7

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:14

@10 More importantly he won't see her face so it won't ruin the mood.

amyjadee 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:17

And???? Take that as a complement and keep doing her.:)

deviable 9

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:30

The question is, how good looking is this dog? Are we talking Beethoven, or lassie? I hope it's the latter for OP's sake.

hannahcorrine 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:31

Paper bags?

Evan2297 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:38

Shit on the bed.

DKParth13 5

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Monday 19 December 2011 13:31

^No.

pulse18 2

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:40

I guess doggy style is out of the question..

SokDek 14

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Monday 19 December 2011 21:23

Doesn't matter. Had sex.

DeOilers 9

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:02

Just had sex reference=win

imustbeinsane 2

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:07

Don't ask what breed, it'll only hurt more. *cough* bulldog *cough*

max_wilder 9

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:20

I thought it was a dead dog?

Sinamoi 18

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:32

Doesn't mean it wasn't a breed of dog at one point.

BSwag40 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 13:32

Hahah that's genius!

dsbs 9

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:25

Wats sex?

death_dolphin24 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:36

Look up Porn and you'll see

flamerocker 9

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Monday 19 December 2011 19:08

What if the breed was a pug?

koolkat27 13

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Monday 19 December 2011 19:19

I'm such a horrible person but I couldn't help think of katiethesinger when you said bulldog!

ninjacutie 6

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:13

Aww man now you're making ME a bad person to! As soon as you said that I realized your exactly right. :'(

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:34

96, peas and corn?

Real_Talk21 1

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:07

things are not looking good for you in the future

Jakesterk96 8

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Monday 19 December 2011 14:19

Turn the lights off?

skoob 4

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Monday 19 December 2011 21:03

Anyone find it weird that a horny guy reminds her of her dog? *cough* beastyality - I know I spelled it wrong, shut it

wikkedphuka 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:23

i love ur pic of kenan in goodburger haha

ambowew 7

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:09

She needs to listen to Lonely Island. Otherwise she would have listened to the advice about putting a bag on your head. After all, it still counts.

franticravyn 7

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:26

Doesn't matter, had sex!

nixter5 18

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Monday 19 December 2011 15:07

Best 30 seconds of my life!

Torva_fml 16

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Monday 19 December 2011 15:31

...and it felt soo good.

fenixtorador1 11

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Monday 19 December 2011 20:30

I see what you did there! :D

520kzk 2

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:46

This thread made me watch that video again. FML is great advertising.

XCiT 0

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Thursday 22 December 2011 21:35

She put a bag on my face

Jays7 10

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:09

You must have one hell of a f*ck face. No, that was not a compliment in any way. Sorry, OP

lifesucks1234567_fml 2

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:44

I gurantee ur face looks like a pig so stfu

koolkat27 13

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Monday 19 December 2011 19:22

99- calm down! judging by your comment, it's pretty likely that you have some self esteem issues, so I'll just give you this little piece of advice: learn to spell correctly if your going on the Internet.

SilverInGray 25

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 2:38

If you're going to correct someone, use correct grammar. It's you're*

ohmandapants 16

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:26

Every time I see the words fuck face I think of Russell Peters making his fuck face. Thanks for the inadvertent chuckles #5 Your bad comment was good for something after all.

lifesucks1234567_fml 2

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:57

104 bitch seems like u should calm yourself I didn't add any "!" to my sentences.

amandavf1 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:11

Dude, when you guys have sex again, just make sure she's not looking at your face. Problem solved :)

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Monday 19 December 2011 13:31

Well that's romantic

DKParth13 5

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Monday 19 December 2011 13:32

Obviously she is a virgin.

Amrel 10

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Monday 19 December 2011 17:53

Alright sexpert I will be sure to tell 'em

amandavf1 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 20:56

In 16 lol

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:42

Well I'm 18, therefore wiser

himoonkey 8

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 0:44

16 and having sex?.... Havent you seen 16 and pregnant?

ohmandapants 16

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:30

Yes because if you have sex at 16 you will automatically get pregnant, there is absolutely no way of preventing this. You're an idiot. And ignorant.

Sexyhotanna 8

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 2:32

if she looks at your face...SHE's TOO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO!

Hyperion11 2

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:13

I think it's cause she misses having sex with that dead dog.

ScarletBloom 14

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:13

Something used to be not right.

Androidz 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 12:20

What the hell?

EvilLilCupcake 10

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Monday 19 December 2011 13:29

And the confusion sets in.

Amrel 10

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:23

Something must not be right*???

UrNotFunny 0

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Monday 19 December 2011 18:36

Actually, the most commonly spoken language in Singapore is probably English. I know it because I'm Singaporean and my family and friends all speak English.