Intimacy: Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On...

By arctic1 - 27/05/2009 09:45 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 269

You deserved it 68 461

Intimacy

Triage

Mama's boy

New life

By crb25453 - 15/10/2015 05:07 - United States - Stafford

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 709

You deserved it 2 224

Fandoms are weird

By Anonymous - 08/12/2020 09:02 - Romania

Today, even three months after seeing 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', I can’t think about anything or anyone except Saavik anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 464

By goodbyefriend - 21/08/2012 16:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 5 995

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 204

You deserved it 31 616

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 259

You deserved it 56 419

By Pandy1031 - 09/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 211

You deserved it 382

Thinning

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 05:01 - United States - Greenville

Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 96

By woohoo420 - 04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 632

You deserved it 41 343

Jingle bells

By anomynous - 03/12/2020 11:01

Today, I woke up with my period. At least I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with red and green shorts, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 116

By I wasn't being clingy geez - 23/10/2016 17:18 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 203

You deserved it 824

Hoarded in

By nola2005 - 01/10/2019 00:01

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 469

By Michelle - 01/09/2010 08:27 - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 933

You deserved it 3 458

By CantPublish - 04/09/2012 22:02 - United States

Today, I saw a bug on a stranger's arm and as a knee-jerk reaction smacked it. It took me a second before I realized it was actually a loose scab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 927

You deserved it 24 544

By Tee - 10/11/2009 02:20 - Australia

Today, I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend before I got on my bus. As I turned to get on, the door closed on my face. I knocked on the door. The driver looked at me, and while still staring at me, drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 982

You deserved it 5 405

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 631

You deserved it 9 065

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 723

You deserved it 3 667

You kinda deserved that one

By hlev24 - 03/03/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 142

You deserved it 109 953

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 534

You deserved it 29 168

By anonymous - 19/07/2012 22:31 - United States

Today, I was at work when a cute guy came up to me and said he liked my shirt. In a desperate attempt to say something back, I said, "Thanks, I like your shoelaces." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 880

You deserved it 6 746

By bitchimgay - 22/07/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 028

You deserved it 2 323

By TheMike23 - 11/01/2016 05:28 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 849

You deserved it 2 269

By Mad - 27/06/2011 01:14 - Australia

Today, after a weekend of helping my sister-in-law move out of our house, vacuuming and mopping her bedroom and bathroom for her, scrubbing her walls and cleaning her shower, transporting her furniture and getting her carpet professionally cleaned, to cover costs she offered me $14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 577

You deserved it 5 261

By seriously - 14/04/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 801

You deserved it 369

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

By SugarCoat - 08/06/2017 18:00

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 672

You deserved it 609

By Anonymous - 04/06/2015 12:26 - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 386

You deserved it 4 382

Primitive art

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 00:30

Today, I went to check on my 2 year-old daughter in her playroom, since she was being awfully quiet. I walk in to see her finger painting with her own feces on her kiddie table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 258

Panic buying? What panic buying?

By Paul Rushing - 19/03/2020 15:00

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 260

By Disappointed - 04/10/2014 03:08

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 701

You deserved it 5 100

Haircare protip

By Anonymous - 09/06/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 501

You deserved it 51 010

By marshmallowssss - 11/03/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 962

You deserved it 9 329

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 154

You deserved it 7 715

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 18:30 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to skip class to attend a truancy court hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 853

You deserved it 18 444

By bitchypast - 27/01/2015 23:50 - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 2 245

By ouchmyeye - 10/06/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, as I was sleeping I heard something bang on my door. I walked on my balcony only to find my boyfriend throwing rocks trying to wake me. He didn't see me and threw a rock right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 642

You deserved it 5 106

By Lydlsis - 30/10/2015 23:53 - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 679

You deserved it 4 594

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 20:56 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 881

You deserved it 8 550

By Anonymous - 19/01/2018 20:30

Today, I got a check for $100 for a random selecting at work. My boyfriend’s reaction? Light it on fire out of jealously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 936

You deserved it 448

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 297

By fuck off, eh! - 07/03/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 349

You deserved it 5 081

By duncanisgey - 04/03/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 640

You deserved it 6 383

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Top comments

fatfaceunited 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:29

How do you forget you have a boner? Generally they're pretty apparent. Unless you have a small dick in which case the mom probably didn't feel it

warmvanillasugar 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:30

A congrats hug for what?

Dude_fml 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:29

hihi. What did you say?

metalfan333 0

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Monday 12 July 2010 3:53

congrats hug for what?

Pleasure_Pirate 0

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Tuesday 27 July 2010 4:52

Give that MILF a preview.

tsim_fml 0

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Friday 29 April 2011 6:59

a congratz hug????

silver0jay 11

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Thursday 19 May 2011 5:01

"Congrats! I have a Hard-on for you!" :D

fatfaceunited 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:29

How do you forget you have a boner? Generally they're pretty apparent. Unless you have a small dick in which case the mom probably didn't feel it

KatherineAnne 7

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Wednesday 5 October 2011 3:39

Don't be too hard on the guy. I know I can be soaking wet and temporarily forget I'm aroused (I.e. I get excited bout something or-more likely- get pissed at my bf) so I mean he easily couldve forgotten.

ammerhammer 3

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Wednesday 8 May 2013 0:20

Wait what?? That's messed 133

warmvanillasugar 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:30

A congrats hug for what?

Nick93 0

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Sunday 1 August 2010 8:24

Well congrats.... :D

YellowKettleBell 31

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Wednesday 29 October 2014 3:19

For the threesome that's about to happen.

MaramaBreaksFace 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:32

HAH! Nuff said.

Virtuoso 0

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 16:34

I agree with #2 how do you forget that you have an erection? Its usually one of the most prominent things on my mind when I get one and I'm willing to bet the vast majority of guys minds when they have one.