Love and Work: Today, my 21 year old daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend.... - FML

By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 21 year old daughter introduced me to her new boyfriend. I had to call him "sir" for two reasons: he's 59 and he's my boss. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Out of it

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

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By tyler_powellROTC - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

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By Barstaff - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

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By Ethan_18 - United States

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By lostforwords - Ireland

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

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By counterproductive - 21/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Intense

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a stranger at the grocery store rubbed my belly and asked me when I'm due. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By mystupidname - Denmark

Sixteen again

Today, my dad and his new fiancée are like two love-sick bunnies. They start having sex immediately whenever I leave the house. Even when I take out the trash. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, due to recent changes in my local transit system, the bus that I take to work and back is a unidirectional loop instead of bi-directional. So my morning commute is the same, but the commute back is now an hour-and-half instead of 20 minutes. FML

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By sillystring - China

Today, as I was walking home, a friend passed me by on his moped, and sprayed a bunch of silly string at me. Unfortunately, he hit me in the eye, temporarily blinding me. As I stumbled around blind, I accidentally knocked a bunch of 3 year olds off their bikes, causing them to cry. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By emilyparker - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went out with my best friend to McDonald's for a late night snack. Turns out she lied to me and just used me to pick up the boy she likes so they could go stargazing. I'm now laying beside them as they look at the stars and make out. I just want fries. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

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By februarymarchapril - United States - Austin

First time

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By Samantha

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By Kensie - United States

Today, it is my twin sisters and my birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me pretty also. FML

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By CoronaDating

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

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By ZombieGirl - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By rise - 8/5/2021 10:59

Painful

Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

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By Nick

Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended up scaring her so badly that she refused to leave our bed all night long, even to pee. I have to clean the mattress now. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I arrived 10 minutes early to my orthodontist's office to get my braces off. It turns out my appointment was actually one hour earlier, and now the next available appointment is in four weeks. FML

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By dukebluedevils13 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Dick. - 13/5/2021 22:01

Worst father ever

Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML

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By soundbox - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!". I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML

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By Derpina - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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Top comments

By Eashy | 16

#7453119 - Thursday 11 May 2017 21:52

I see 3 options: 1- She is trying to get you a promotion, 2- She's a gold digger, or 3- she loves him truly.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7453169 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:27

This feels like something out of a sitcom. "You're dating my boss?" *laugh track plays*

COMMENTS

By Eashy | 16

#7453119 - Thursday 11 May 2017 21:52

I see 3 options: 1- She is trying to get you a promotion, 2- She's a gold digger, or 3- she loves him truly.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7453131 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:19

Looks like a big 'jobs program! I'll bet she calls him "sir," too;).

By Ainarr | 29

#7453145 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:38

oh, how the turntables.

Reply

fearrhyno1 | 18

#7453157 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:51

Did you mean "tables have turned?"

Reply

Isa_fml | 20

#7453189 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:35

It's a reference to the Office...

Reply

FuckFace10 | 23

#7453218 - Friday 12 May 2017 2:29

Michael!

By Cali | 54

#7453152 - Thursday 11 May 2017 22:47

Is your name Stan Smith?

Reply

vandj8 | 9

#7453246 - Friday 12 May 2017 4:59

Hayley Smith: I came over here after the party, we started talking, and... you know. And besides, he has a huge...
Stanley Smith: Penis. Haley! Damn.
Hayley Smith: I was going to say "heart" but... well, you saw his shoes.

By Xeebar | 28

#7453166 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:13

Cali made the EXACT comment I was going to LOL

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7453169 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:27

This feels like something out of a sitcom. "You're dating my boss?" *laugh track plays*

By pjsr | 32

#7453172 - Thursday 11 May 2017 23:41

59 and 21? If you can threaten him without jeopardizing your family's welfare, do it now. Otherwise, get a new job asap and then take care of it.

Reply

TaoShaman | 24

#7453187 - Friday 12 May 2017 0:31

Take care of what? She's an adult. There's nothing anyone can do unless she lives at home. And threatening people never solves anything.

By lukcy_basartd | 11

#7453204 - Friday 12 May 2017 1:24

Too fuckin weird man, don't let him push you around at work and you might consider other employment options. Best of luck to you.

By CantTouchThat | 27

#7453220 - Friday 12 May 2017 2:41

That can be straight up sexual harassment of a family member. You should turn him into HR and take his job instead!! Or you could play out a Horrible Bosses scenario and turn them against each other. Either or. Good luck!!

By fireblazes | 10

#7453477 - Friday 12 May 2017 14:48

Bullsh!t. He's a creep,report him to HR.