Intimacy: Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed...

By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 04/08/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 343

You deserved it 4 180

Intimacy

Walk the line

Compromises

Are you a wizard?

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 792

You deserved it 3 994

Life is unfair…

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 79

Manoeuvres in the dark

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 21:13 - Canada

Today, I had to perform with my orchestra at an event. I hadn't eaten at all because I had to get my blood sugar tested. During the middle of a song, I passed out. No one helped me and no one stopped playing, "because the song wasn't over and they didn't want to ruin the performance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 615

You deserved it 6 242

By blewidstepr - 16/05/2011 03:40

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 461

You deserved it 6 367

By Anonymous - 03/09/2013 19:50 - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 309

You deserved it 3 114

By Anonymous - 20/11/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 529

You deserved it 3 859

By poisonivyretard - 04/06/2013 17:15 - United States - Narragansett

Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 507

You deserved it 51 897

By Prodigy - 11/02/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 181

You deserved it 7 903

By blahppl14 - 27/12/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 016

You deserved it 13 494

By JustAGiftCardPlease - 16/06/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 979

You deserved it 3 807

By Confusedfiance - 16/10/2018 05:00

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 082

You deserved it 223

By T3kM4n - 20/09/2016 06:08 - United States - Spokane

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 817

You deserved it 1 219

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 139

You deserved it 4 044

By LynnJ - 06/02/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 214

You deserved it 6 926

Poor Henry

By SierraCheyenne - 26/03/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 510

By illuminatzi - 03/10/2015 02:32 - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 393

You deserved it 5 987

By fuckingcool - 14/12/2016 20:59 - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 937

You deserved it 702

By GotMyBitchBack - 05/09/2013 11:02 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 412

You deserved it 3 033

By Curt - 06/09/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or Genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 796

You deserved it 9 382

By Pain - 28/06/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 973

You deserved it 72 103

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 15:43 - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 890

You deserved it 2 392

By loserface23 - 28/05/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him so that we can consolidate our student loans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 643

You deserved it 3 951

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 306

You deserved it 38 622

Finally!

By oppsiedaisey - 02/09/2019 12:00

Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 933

You deserved it 334

Bad data

By maida - 02/06/2021 04:01

Today, I discovered my mother has been replacing my chronic pain meds with sugar pills, to prove to me that "the placebo effect is real and works on everyone." No wonder I’ve been in excruciating pain for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 58

By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 979

You deserved it 4 691

Revelations

By pey - 21/05/2020 14:00

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 415

You deserved it 138

By Megan - 23/02/2009 16:47 - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 742

You deserved it 5 453

By aw-wtf - 11/08/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 100

You deserved it 3 855

By Vlad - 24/12/2018 14:00

Today, we found out that the drinks we've had for our Christmas party at work yesterday were expired. For anything between six and eleven months. All of us drank them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 965

You deserved it 367

Catfished!

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 05:56

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 198

By EnglandRocks - 12/03/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 246

You deserved it 2 746

Online life

By Anonymous - 24/01/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 2 311

By Anonymous - 29/07/2016 19:30 - United States

Today, I threw a party. My drunk boyfriend decided to bring my 50-inch flatscreen TV downstairs from our bedroom. The TV didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 590

You deserved it 1 581

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 253

You deserved it 10 017

By Anonymous - 31/10/2014 10:46 - Australia

Today, my friend thought she would "save me some time" by spoiling Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 4 453

By nottililgirl - 04/09/2009 03:24 - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 995

You deserved it 44 024

By kinky - 05/08/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 571

You deserved it 37 880

Time for the dentist

By Ethan - 07/04/2021 20:30 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got home to my son holding his brother down with one foot on his chest and both hands on a pair of pliers, trying to pull out his infected tooth, looking like some sort of redneck, hillbilly comedy sketch. I half expected to hear sound effects in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 158

By ohcrap - 02/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 409

You deserved it 16 073

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Top comments

CheaRight 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:28

hot.

Phase 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:43

what part of trashed homeless lady doesn't put any of you off??

CheaRight 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:28

hot.

jplumbob 4

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:33

Take it where you can get it. LOL

kennylou 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:39

Soooooo, did you say ya?

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:48

super sexy fun time, just don't let her cats join in

Melaniee_fml 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:49

yummy. and why would a homeless lady have cats. she's not a cat lady.

c00lsk8erboi 7

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 16:55

ur lucky... I wish homeless women would like my lips.. lol jk

vjj 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 17:00

So, turns out that beggars can be choosers...

czarofandronia 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 17:00

oh dayum

Oreosbff 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 17:02

LOL wow that's a bit scary

quent10 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 17:04

omg thts hawt! (^omg thts sarcasm^)

TiffanyBlews27 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 17:37

um-kay........?!.......... well........ a compliment is a compliment no matter how... disturbing. lol just beware of any new stalkers. You'll know it's her.

joooeee 3

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:01

at least it wasn't a guy...

twinny_sc 13

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:18

Well...at least you know your not ugly.

kennylou 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:19

You should of said yes :( Its better then givin em charity money.

theFMLwhore5 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 18:25

that's soo sexy. did you let her rape you?! :D

StopTheFuckinCar_fml 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:33

did you run away like a little girl yelling 'rape'! or did you take it like a man?

LMFAOwned 9

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:34

#40, if you were that homeless lady, I wudda let you. Lmfaojk Kthxbai

woofis 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 20:06

lock ur windows tonight

astarwarsfan 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 21:59

(puts on sunglasses) beggers can't be choosers

SpartyOn91 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:14

that's a complament

michaelscott69 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:22

thats hawt

swimmerstud 7

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:23

it's not rape unless u like it.......

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:36

60, so if she liked it, it's rape? I think you got that a little wrong there, dude.

TaylorTotsYumm 10

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:44

48, there's something wrong with your face. 

theFMLwhore5 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:50

rofl she will make him buy her dinner first! you get it.. cause she's homeless and can't buy food...

number0 8

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 22:59

YDI for not letting her rape you

mak3_1t_ra1n 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 23:11

48-that's probably the pickup line with the highest percent for an awkward moment. lol did anyone notice OP's name?

That_Guy_Jake_JR 0

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Wednesday 4 August 2010 23:57

I would NOT let a homeless woman rape me... It wouldn't be rape ;D

immazombeastxD 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 0:35

bet she smelt like fish, >:/ those ones are a no-no

TibbysMusic 1

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Thursday 5 August 2010 1:26

Mmm homless people rape, my favorite kind!!! Lol

beastmcbeastly 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 4:58

u gots a compliment

twnftw 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 5:30

did u grab some pussy?

DiscountDJ25 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 7:36

56, It's more like... It turns out... -puts on sunglasses- Beggars can't be choosers. YEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!

defsdgdh 4

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Thursday 5 August 2010 12:01

#7 CAT FACE!!! op get some

Brittney_E 0

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Thursday 5 August 2010 23:08

has stds written all over it.

zach55 0

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Friday 6 August 2010 8:49

perfect! cause you wanted to rape her too right?

aFMLaddict 0

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Friday 6 August 2010 11:57

unless she has a dick, I wonder how she was going to rape him.

treyroxx 0

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Sunday 8 August 2010 2:46

you got a perty mouth

Pickled_Anon 0

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Monday 9 August 2010 18:44

Are you kidding #66?! Would you feel the same if a homeless guy wanted to rape a girl? How is a guy being raped somehow less serious than a girl being raped? Because he has a penis? That's extremely sexist.