Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To...

By May - 04/09/2011 04:08 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 697

You deserved it 6 232

Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Better off out

Go vegan

By onlyjuggalos - 31/01/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 503

You deserved it 2 534

By Treats For Days - 19/07/2013 13:54 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was on drive-thru where I work. Our policy is that we can give free treats to dogs that come through. A woman came in and I noticed her dog. Without a thought, I grabbed a treat and asked if her dog wanted one. I looked again. The 'dog' was her daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 041

You deserved it 26 506

By babysitter - 26/03/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 345

You deserved it 5 124

By always amazed - 07/03/2016 14:03 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my dad came over and ordered me, a 43 year-old woman, to purchase a kitchen table. He and my sisters are embarassed that we are still using a plastic folding table. It doesn't matter to them that we have just spent over $30,000 on renovations. His cousins are coming from Italy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 133

You deserved it 3 006

By despacito - 28/08/2018 23:30

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 283

You deserved it 246

By Anonymous - 22/08/2019 02:00

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 219

By MrAries - 02/03/2016 11:45 - United States

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 647

You deserved it 2 303

By bored - 27/11/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 304

You deserved it 5 646

By bdaygirl - 03/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 858

You deserved it 4 700

It's a marathon, not a sprint

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that the last girl from my graduating high school class is engaged to her boyfriend. I'm now the only guy from high school who's still single and I'm not even 30 yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 260

By lol112 - 02/06/2012 12:47 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 5 438

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 03:37 - United States - Vienna

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 179

You deserved it 4 535

There's no helping some people

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 271

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 401

You deserved it 3 803

By unsuckable - 28/08/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 841

You deserved it 4 146

Misconstrued

By DeeGirlMon - 03/08/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 519

You deserved it 6 000

Whut?

By what did you say? - 15/06/2016 13:25

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 492

You deserved it 1 173

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 05:34 - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 336

You deserved it 39 229

By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 03:44 - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 519

You deserved it 2 874

By NotTilly - 10/03/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 032

You deserved it 4 212

By BestBF - 23/04/2013 23:22 - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 195

You deserved it 8 701

By sadgirl - 24/08/2019 09:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 163

By Ohgodmother - 28/02/2014 09:06 - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 323

You deserved it 3 978

Please?

By mandinga - 06/09/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 245

You deserved it 6 717

By Anonymous - 11/10/2012 05:08 - United States - Amarillo

Today, my dog overturned and ate my trash, leaving coffee grounds and dog puke all over my floor. She also ate the broom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 570

You deserved it 2 893

By lifsabtch - 06/01/2013 17:24

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 8 791

By misc - 10/02/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551 802

You deserved it 46 778

By Sara246 - 19/08/2010 23:11 - Canada

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 525

You deserved it 3 637

By Baby Face - 16/01/2017 15:03

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 574

You deserved it 461

By oops - 19/11/2014 17:03 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was on a date, and I went to put my arm around her, trying to be romantic, but my coordination went straight to hell. Instead of her shoulder, I ended up accidentally grabbing her tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 8 319

By fml - 29/07/2012 12:20 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 594

You deserved it 5 818

By panicelement - 27/02/2013 07:17 - United States - Carbondale

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 618

You deserved it 5 189

By Flipside - 02/05/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112 580

You deserved it 6 430

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 696

You deserved it 2 175

By GD - 21/02/2009 22:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298 408

You deserved it 67 262

Easy mistake

By helper - 01/12/2009 06:15 - Costa Rica

Today, while dining at a restaurant I heard a women choking. I immediately ran to her, wrapped my arms around her and started giving her abdominal thrusts. She freed herself and slapped me. Turns out she wasn't choking, she was just laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 602

You deserved it 34 630

By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 13:30

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 820

You deserved it 634

By Anonymous - 24/04/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 740

You deserved it 9 011

By Kilika - 08/06/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 406

You deserved it 3 808

By MaydayManic - 10/08/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 977

You deserved it 5 032

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Top comments

mshoes12346 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:16

did he name his dick spock too? ;)

roxysoxy 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:16

well that's disturbing.

roxysoxy 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:16

well that's disturbing.

XxHoPPoxX 8

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:26

live long and ejaculate

xlord 27

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:52

Ohhh.... That's just nerdy. Antiques roadshow is what all the cool kids masturbate to.

Blazingcrono 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:56

Nothing disturbing about that. Spock is pretty easy to masturbate to.

genesisnirvana 11

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Sunday 4 September 2011 13:22

The force was with him.

mfjkr 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 13:30

It said star trek not star wars...35

XenaWP 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 14:01

Those ears always get me going too...

zachherbert 10

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Sunday 4 September 2011 14:07

When ever I think of this FML, I imagine the guy from Family Guy Star Trek Episodes walking in and saying "Hello!".

MareNostrum 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:34

Hmm, Antiques Roadshow? Probably the only time 1000+ pounds will make you harder.

MrSarcasm 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:37

That is highly illogical Captain.

Deathhound 27

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:40

I agree with you on this... :o OP: What did he say to you after you encountered this?

moshimoshi1993 8

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:47

Which one are we talking about here Original, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, Enterprise or movie? It makes all the difference.

AnonymousTroll 2

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:59

Either way, there's always that one hot alien chick that makes some guys shoot more than their laser guns.

maz_irken 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 21:33

Who ISN'T turned on by Spock?

maz_irken 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 21:48

Besides, he could be watching the episode with the Orion love slave?

KrisNico03 4

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Sunday 4 September 2011 22:43

Deeply

MyEpicDemise 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 23:48

I find this FML hard to masturbate to.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 5 September 2011 2:31

@71, Masturbating to Captain Janeway, or Kirstie Alley when she played a vulcan is good. Masturbating to Kirk, or Jean-Luc Picard, not so much

astonmartin007 4

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Monday 5 September 2011 3:10

Go to hell assraver

MissBunnyWillEat 11

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Monday 5 September 2011 5:11

His penis was yelling "Beam me up, Scotty!"

MyMilkShake2Yard 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 9:28

So how long or how much you been thinking about this FML

lilhardrocker 2

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 8:02

star trek not star wars.....

Mossears133 15

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Sunday 29 December 2013 23:09

Not disturbing. Fascinating.

DarksideDoll 31

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Friday 5 September 2014 5:45

I bet it was to Seven of Nine from Voyager.

bonjourhello 25

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Monday 21 March 2016 15:33

Not if it was the 2009 version. Have you SEEN Zoe Saldana?!

mshoes12346 3

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:16

did he name his dick spock too? ;)

EnEl_Infierno 15

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:26

At warp speed mr. spock, set wepons to fire, as we exit into enemy territory, fire all. Make the federation proud.

sourgirl101 28

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Sunday 4 September 2011 16:06

Named Spock and gave his cock the Vulcan Death Grip! (:

stephan18 23

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Monday 5 September 2011 0:10

Was he trying to reach warp 10 with his dick?

Iheartfunny 1

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Monday 5 September 2011 4:06

Cant see why this was posted on FML, its illogical.

KatherineAnne 7

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Sunday 11 September 2011 6:49

Hahahahaha. I love star trek the new movie I never saw the show

Shadowvoid 33

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Sunday 10 March 2013 2:47

So by default, you don't actually love star trek... Nice try though

bryce0110 23

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Sunday 14 December 2014 8:54

You cant love Star Trek and have not seen the show. The show is better than the movies.

EnEl_Infierno 15

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:18

Well that vucaln chick is pretty hot.

cetlawizard 15

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Monday 5 September 2011 1:31

Tapol, not sure if I spelled it right...but, yeah....she is. :)

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 5 September 2011 2:36

Seven of Nine!!!!! Totally masturbate to that. I'd cut a little hole in my TV and electrocute myself.

Cinn_fml 22

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Monday 5 September 2011 11:13

Cetlawizard - It's T'Pol. :)

tnlander 20

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 6:31

^ I think I love you.

cIickhere 5

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:19

Then just walk out pretend nothing happened or help him out

PremierWu1 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:25

I don't think anyone 11 or under would know what Star Trek is...

Sunny_Eclipse 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 13:17

Why should they? Come on now.

HappyPickles 11

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:24

Time to start dating someone over 11

FreakenJewtastic 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 14:11

Excuse me, but when the fuck have you ever met an 11 year old boy who is that into star trek, in 2011... Because that would be the most bad ass kid ever.

VorpikeII 17

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:31

My friends brother. He's 10. And because Of his dad, he has heard of, and enjoys watching start trek.

SimpleMinds_fml 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 17:22

Not a whole lot of guys are masturbating at 10-11....

maz_irken 6

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Sunday 4 September 2011 21:35

I'm a 14 year old girl and waaaaaay to into Star Trek then I should be!

FreakenJewtastic 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 4:42

102 - I am too, but I'm 15. haha My obsession started early though.

MissMusicRobot 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 0:59

I'm a 14 yr old girl too and I love star trek. :D

jlperry31 10

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 3:17

u wouldn't date half of the men you date if you knew what they jerk off too. that's our time. we start at a bery early age of touching our junk. its natural. yes even before puberty, well before it, i recall doing it before age 10. she should have knocked before walking in.

Im2Handsom 1

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:25

Lol the mental image

xcrashxloved 0

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Monday 5 September 2011 1:21

Lmaolmaolmao agreed(x

roobin302 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 12:28

better star trek then the golden girls..

crazychick1269 7

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Sunday 4 September 2011 15:27

hey! watch it! my friends and I remade the golden girls at our high school except well they're young of course:D

harrywestt 0

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Sunday 4 September 2011 17:06

You make a good point. But either way their both wrong.

ThreeSheetsGone 12

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Sunday 4 September 2011 17:43

Who hasn't fantasized about getting a gum-job before? Granny's got mad skills in the sack! I have to go burn my retinas with a soldering iron now. *shudders*