Love and Intimacy: Zigazig Ah - FML

Zigazig Ah

By Anonymous - 17/12/2017 01:30

Today, I walked in on my fiancé while he was masturbating to the Spice Girls movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 273

You deserved it 774

The smell detective is on the case

Once bitten…

I've just got one of those faces

By weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 863

You deserved it 3 816

A tad unfair

By Anonymous - 02/04/2021 14:01

Today, my parents have made it very clear to me that if I fail one more assignment, they’re disowning me. I got a zero on a paper that I poured my heart and soul into, and in the notes, the teacher wrote, “I don’t even need to read this paper to know that it is bad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 117

By Anonymous - 02/01/2011 21:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 330

You deserved it 5 537

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 138

You deserved it 3 303

By imarriedanaxemurderer - 18/06/2013 05:01 - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 465

You deserved it 4 610

By dank meme - 11/02/2017 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 316

You deserved it 3 890

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 667

You deserved it 3 421

By ikickgingers - 19/10/2011 16:49 - United States

Today, I found out my boss and some employees on my floor have bets placed on who can get the best picture of my ass. I found out when one of the pictures was accidentally sent to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 519

You deserved it 4 048

By lip - 24/12/2008 08:40 - France

Spicy

Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 423

You deserved it 75 427

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 17:06 - Canada

Today, my aunt asked me to babysit my cousin. She gave me a warning that he says he's allergic to foods to get out of eating them. When I brought out my homemade cooking, he told me he was allergic, so I made him eat it anyway. Turns out he WAS allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 880

You deserved it 13 216

By ch4nny - 29/08/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 185

You deserved it 5 665

By D.J. - 25/01/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 834

You deserved it 6 493

By Anonymous - 13/06/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 116

You deserved it 12 625

By boyBYE - 16/11/2016 23:30 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 320

You deserved it 947

By Anonymous - 14/02/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 466

You deserved it 559

By Anonymous - 26/06/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 432

You deserved it 1 997

By tiredInMD - 12/07/2017 18:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 2 072

By RawrSparkle - 21/09/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Spicy

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 020

You deserved it 14 276

By Anonymous - 28/03/2011 18:52 - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 693

You deserved it 6 858

Class act

By Anonymous - 23/03/2020 17:23

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 257

By Anonymous - 31/01/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 445

You deserved it 34 509

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306 320

You deserved it 20 762

The Blob

By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 17:02 - Germany

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 257

By Anonymous - 03/04/2012 17:48 - United States - Tucson

Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 005

You deserved it 5 208

By gas money - 22/11/2015 04:34 - United States - Reno

Today, I found $100 on the ground. My mom is taking $40 because she was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 782

You deserved it 3 476

By Chip - 21/04/2009 10:51 - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 338

You deserved it 10 393

Nope, not me

By mycar - 20/08/2013 17:40 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was showing a new girl around at school. As we were walking through the parking lot she noticed a green jeep and commented "I heard the person who drives that is a total creep. Is he?" I said I didn't know who it was. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 796

You deserved it 6 258

By wdavi022 - 05/01/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 373

You deserved it 5 418

By Denki - 30/01/2013 12:21 - China - Beijing

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 085

You deserved it 4 495

By 420dits - 26/01/2010 01:16 - Canada

Today, my crush went on webcam on MSN. He looked really adorable, so I took about 6 screen shots and copied them into paint. I accidentally took a screenshot of my screen with all the pictures on paint and copied it into the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 001

You deserved it 44 745

Accidentally?

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 14:00

Today, my brother sprayed the entire kitchen, including all the dishes, with industrial strength spray adhesive, thinking it was disinfectant. I'm the one who got to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 55

By Anonymous - 05/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 076

You deserved it 12 402

By Triple F - 07/03/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 066

You deserved it 40 166

By No O-face - 18/01/2011 03:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 726

You deserved it 6 416

Felt cute, might delete myself later

By being a fairy is hard - 28/10/2021 08:00

Today, my daughter lost a tooth. I wanted to make the Tooth Fairy experience extra special, so I dipped her doll's feet in paint to leave “tracks” from the window to her bed. As I was adding the finishing touches and spreading glitter, I tripped on a toy, faceplanted and lost my own tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 327

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 620

You deserved it 4 143

By clairebear104 - 19/09/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 4 080

By saddude - 04/03/2009 07:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 302

You deserved it 113 278

By Anonymous - 04/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 719

You deserved it 3 228

By burned - 04/11/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 065

You deserved it 2 529

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Top comments

Leeono 26

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Sunday 10 December 2017 19:52

Maybe you don’t give him what he wants, what he really, really wants, cos what he really really wants is a zigzag ahhhhhhh!

ohsnapword 21

Sunday 17 December 2017 2:27

Talk about spicing up your life.

Comments

Leeono 26

Send a private message

Sunday 10 December 2017 19:52

Maybe you don’t give him what he wants, what he really, really wants, cos what he really really wants is a zigzag ahhhhhhh!

Send a private message

Sunday 17 December 2017 1:53

Well, all he really, really wanted was a fap-a-gap ugh. That’s the way it is!

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 17 December 2017 2:22

That’s not so bad, they were good-looking women. Now, if you caught him singing along, RUN!!!

exileonmainst 16

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Sunday 17 December 2017 2:24

Tell him to stop with that, you know, if he wants to be your lover.

ohsnapword 21

Sunday 17 December 2017 2:27

Talk about spicing up your life.

PhantomCrevan 8

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Sunday 17 December 2017 2:46

Okay? Masturbation is not only normal, but healthy, improves performance and increases pleasure during sex, as long as the methods used are non-harmful. Or is it specifically that he was using the Spice Girls as his "material" that bothers you? Most people don't have any emotional attachment to what they use to get off, unless there was already one prior.

DanielleinDC 32

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Monday 18 December 2017 20:49

I'm sure OP knows that. She might be more upset about his choice of masturbation material than by the fact that he's masturbating.

PhantomCrevan 8

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Tuesday 19 December 2017 19:13

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Some people think that masturbation is cheating, and I did ask if it was he choice of material that was upsetting, rather than the act itself.

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Sunday 17 December 2017 3:05

At least he wasn't wearing Egyptian makeup and masturbating to a book on mummification.

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Sunday 17 December 2017 3:06

I think he ought to stop right now, thank you very much.

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 17 December 2017 4:07

But if there's one thing he's most certainly not lacking, it's the human touch.

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Sunday 17 December 2017 3:14

Now you know what he really really really wants

mt21mt 15

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Sunday 17 December 2017 4:10

So?

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Monday 18 December 2017 4:13

That's exactly what I came here to ask!!!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 44

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 83

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 33