By Obi-Wan - 8/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Pink Lightsaber

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

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Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Gas giant

By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

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By imscrewed - 11/4/2013 07:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

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By rutho - 27/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By Uh_Oh_Bro - 24/7/2016 17:58 - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - 4/2/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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By lance - 12/3/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2012 23:19 - United States

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

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By pleasestop - 1/5/2014 02:13 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By Anon - 30/4/2014 02:07 - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 23:07 - United States

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

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By DepressedCellist - 27/9/2018 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had band practice for our duo. I've been playing cello for almost a year and wanted to incorporate it. He picked it up for pretty much the first time and sounded surprisingly good. I was excited until I realized he sounded better than me. FML

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By nakcba - 15/2/2011 10:21

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

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By emmingle - 13/5/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By forever alone - 9/5/2015 23:03 - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 07:09 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2018 20:30

Today, after 3 days of hearing a car alarm going off almost continuously, the city finally came and towed it. Immediately after, the owner showed up with a switchblade, inquiring who called the city. My neighbors ratted me out, despite the fact I had nothing to do with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

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By mischalucksux - 19/9/2016 13:54 - United States

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By anonymous - 3/1/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2015 15:00 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

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By Magaña.i.am - 16/4/2019 16:00

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

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By gagus123 - 12/11/2019 14:00

Karma sucks

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

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By just physical - 18/3/2013 02:45 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 12:50 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

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By awesome - 5/1/2012 17:13 - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

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By RetailRage - 10/8/2015 12:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2020 20:00

I keep mine hidden

Today, while my girlfriend is in hospital, I'm left at home with her mom. What I didn't know is that her mom's medication makes her do strange things. I learned that right away when she took a seat next to me, completely naked, on the couch. My girlfriend's mom is my grandmother's age. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - 16/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 3/2/2018 15:00

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By ProudMamma - 14/9/2016 01:50 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 18:15 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a portrait studio and was taking pictures of a little girl, I kept telling the girl to stop making silly faces when she smiles because her eyes go cross-eyed. After the third time I said it her mom grabbed the little girl and left. Turns out, she was naturally cross-eyed. FML

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Top comments

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7841427 - Sunday 8 September 2019 13:00

Don’t you knock before entering his bedroom? (I’m assuming that is where he was)

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7841344 - Sunday 8 September 2019 7:38

so your 17 yr old needs your permission to watch a movie?

COMMENTS

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7841323 - Sunday 8 September 2019 4:54

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841328 - Sunday 8 September 2019 5:57

It's now time to let him watch how you lock a bedroom doorknob (or how to install a locking bedroom doorknob)....

julfunky | 29

#7841512 - Sunday 8 September 2019 17:58

I’m guessing someone else needs to learn to knock before opening a closed door too.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7841344 - Sunday 8 September 2019 7:38

so your 17 yr old needs your permission to watch a movie?

kfchicken_fml | 26

#7842135 - Tuesday 10 September 2019 0:16

pretty sure that wasn't what op meant.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7841368 - Sunday 8 September 2019 9:16

At least he didn't challenge you to a light-saber duel.

By worldclassrager | 39

#7841377 - Sunday 8 September 2019 9:40

Maybe men and black would have been better

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841736 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:34

Or the movie "Men In Black" perchance?

By Mark W. Noonan_969479943 | 4

#7841399 - Sunday 8 September 2019 10:54

OMG that’s Embarrassing. I got caught once too when I was 16. I’m 48 now;

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7841427 - Sunday 8 September 2019 13:00

Don’t you knock before entering his bedroom? (I’m assuming that is where he was)

By Memnoc | 26

#7841433 - Sunday 8 September 2019 13:55

You have a teenage boy, and you haven't learned to knock before entering a room that he is in, with the door closed? YDI for not respecting his privacy.

By fireblazes | 9

#7841495 - Sunday 8 September 2019 17:41

Knock, knock? Who's there? Yo Mama. Yo Mama who? Yo Mama who wishes she had knocked...

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7841542 - Sunday 8 September 2019 18:25

LOL!