Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic...

By Anonymous - 29/10/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

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Love

Work name

Rock, hard place

DINOSAURS!!

By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - 18/10/2013 22:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

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By heresmybellybotton - 18/7/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

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By blarp - 17/10/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2018 06:00

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 01:02 - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

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By SadOldBag - 23/8/2018 21:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

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By b3ardown23 - 7/9/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

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By wtf?? - 9/2/2015 13:26 - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my bed fell through my floor. With me on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, after realizing it burned when I peed, I found out the boy I waited two years to have sex with gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

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By clair_brodie - 4/7/2019 20:00

Today, as I was putting some dishes away, I spilled water on the floor. While walking around the dishwasher, I slipped on said water, and after going to urgent care, found out I tore my meniscus. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

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By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 13:35 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By kaheera4 - 4/4/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

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By black hoodie - 19/5/2013 23:07 - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

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By beezybees - 20/2/2010 01:54 - United States

Today, I lost the beautiful necklace my boyfriend gave me for Valentine's day. I looked everywhere, and couldn't find it. My sister held the bag while I dug through the stinking trash, then after I cleaned everything up, took it out of her pocket and said she was pretending it was lost. FML

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By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

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By anx133 - 25/1/2009 01:36 - China

Today, a couple of mates and me have a reservation on this fancy restaurant to celebrate Chinese New Year. I found out that 80% of our money goes to the wine tasting event that they have, a free flow of gorgeous, decent wine all around. I'm allergic to fruit. I'll stick to my 20RMB water bottle. FML

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By insightful - 20/3/2012 04:33 - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

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By Justme - 20/2/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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By prostitutes boyfriend - 21/10/2011 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML

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By clueless - 19/5/2014 17:15 - United States - Irvine

Today, I realized that when a girl asks what your plans are for Valentine's Day and you say "nothing" and she responds with, "Oh, I don't have any plans either", it means she wants you to take her out. Took me three months to figure that out. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

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By Phazzer - 16/10/2009 13:39 - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By sarahfromthesouth - 8/6/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By Talvesh - 15/12/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 23:55

Hot hot hot

Today, my AC stopped working and I have no money. I live in Phoenix, Arizona. FML

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By Ghostie - 2/7/2009 09:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

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By girlmeetsworld - 18/2/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - 17/11/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By radiating - 9/3/2012 04:53

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - 7/4/2015 16:19 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 10:58 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By anime_love - 17/9/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By Screwed - 22/4/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By jake - 12/8/2012 15:49 - United States - Bend

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

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Top comments

By flockz | 19

#3508607 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:59

you could of been a creeper. how could she have known? thats why she sacraficed her mother instead.

By iFizzgig | 11

#3508568 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:54

You should run...

COMMENTS

By iFizzgig | 11

#3508568 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:54

You should run...

GRRSOM | 7

#3508675 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:12

You should run home and post about it on Fml. Oh, you took my advice, I see.

Lanceeden | 12

#3508720 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:22

His face was probably like #1s picture.

iFizzgig | 11

#3508771 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:31

Yes I do believe it was

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#3508898 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:06

Try to find a more bright GF or stop whining..

charlie14670 | 0

#3508906 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:07

Don't move. She won't be able to see you if you don't move :)

swimchica22 | 0

#3509085 - Saturday 29 October 2011 18:06

You know what's even more romantic? A DOOR.

sissycullen | 4

#3510526 - Sunday 30 October 2011 0:55

Her mom probably didn't find it that romantic...

liljim61290 | 4

#3511203 - Sunday 30 October 2011 2:33

You know what they say.. "what a drunk man says when drunk is what he's thinking in his mind when sober"

DocMcVickers | 13

#5653340 - Sunday 1 September 2013 14:54

No one was drunk. Where do you get that from?

By RiiOT09 | 9

#3508570 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:54

Next time just knock on the front door...

Lanceeden | 12

#3508712 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:20

Try the boombox over your head trick next. If she calls the cops, I think you should just leave her house.

rallets | 22

#3509011 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:41

"BABY COME BACK"

or

"WHAT IS LOVE"

Lanceeden | 12

#3509876 - Saturday 29 October 2011 21:03

24 - I've been singing 'what is love' for the past two hours thanks to you.

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3511579 - Sunday 30 October 2011 4:14

Next time the OP should read over the post before they send it.

By FrankyG98 | 3

#3508596 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:57

Smooth.....

Savra_fml | 17

#3509174 - Saturday 29 October 2011 18:33

Surely "Romance" is his middle name.

By Doortje | 28

#3508597 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:57

What a scared little girl.

Enslaved | 36

#3508885 - Saturday 29 October 2011 17:00

Hell yeah! Around Halloween time, he could have been Freddy! (:

evilplatypus | 38

#3509075 - Saturday 29 October 2011 18:01

That's Michael Myers. Not Freddy.

youcunthole | 0

#3511969 - Sunday 30 October 2011 6:26

I'm watching Halloween right now

By flockz | 19

#3508607 - Saturday 29 October 2011 15:59

you could of been a creeper. how could she have known? thats why she sacraficed her mother instead.

Rectov | 10

#6409001 - Saturday 12 September 2015 20:34

Or turn on a light and look outside...

By ThatLooksSticky | 16

#3508622 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:03

Text her before you try to do that again. Add a bunch of

ThatLooksSticky | 16

#3508652 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:07

..."less than threes" to keep it romantic and classy though.

Daralea | 21

#3520454 - Monday 31 October 2011 20:02

I suppose just a "I seeeee yooooou" won't do the trick.

By KjoeLjan | 4

#3508655 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:07

This stuff was romantic before the invention of mobile phones.

rv0111 | 3

#3508680 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:12

Haha. Some people are old fashioned

Tyger44 | 1

#3511253 - Sunday 30 October 2011 2:45

It still is..isnt it?

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3508660 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:08

Well how was she meant to know it was you

By CraneTG | 0

#3508691 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:15

And that's when you run before mom gets you with her shotgun

By TheBlackCops | 0

#3508708 - Saturday 29 October 2011 16:18

Creepy bastard.

abby1029 | 8

#3764191 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:54

surprising your gf is creepy?