Miscellaneous: Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on... - FML

By lebato97 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML

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Season finale

The smell detective is on the case

Facts over feelings

By Karlo Kračun - 9/7/2020 08:08

Poor Mr Nibbles

Today, my mom wanted to surprise me by buying me a hamster. When I got into her car, I was actually surprised and even said, "Hi" to the hamster. When we got home, the hamster was dead. FML

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By Joey

Today, I stepped outside my house for the first time in a year, trying to socialize again. I broke my leg. FML

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By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Bored of you

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

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By megan228 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I flew my girlfriend to Paris for our one year anniversary. Little did I know that instead of going up the Eiffel Tower and over looking the most romantic city she would rather spend it in bed with a French man. FML

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By geek - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

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By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

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By LieutenantDimwit - 30/4/2021 18:01 - Jordan

Teenagers…

Today, my uncle picked up a tissue box and threw it at my sister for fun. My sister got mad and yeeted the box at me. I reacted with the same action, but she lost her crap and kicked and punched me. When I reported the incident to my parents, I get berated and my sister got away with it. FML

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By jdch_99 - United States

Today, the pharmacist warned me that my antibiotics might cause slight gastrointestinal distress. The fact that I have been on the john for the past 90 minutes drenched in sweat would lead me to believe our definitions of "slight" are a bit different. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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By galen - United States

Today, I hooked up with a girl from the bar. We went back to my place and started making out, I took off her shirt and bra and started kissing her breasts. I felt her chest hair tickle my tongue. FML

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By eyerollplease

Today, after recently celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched my mom and his dad say "I Do". I am now married to my step-brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

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By

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By Darin Greenwood

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By Lesley - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By BrianTheLion89 - United States

Great story, tell it again!

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

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By philip708 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

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By grantsidiots - Australia

Today, my fiancée broke up with me over text message while I was away for work. She later posted photos of her and her new boyfriend on Facebook, while still wearing my engagement ring. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By justin_99 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By Love stinks - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

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By - Canada - Calgary

Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML

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By BetterThanFake - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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By twat - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

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By go snope yourself - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By keisha89 - United States

Today, I finally met the guy I've been talking to online for a year. I'd dropped 10lbs off my weight. He'd shaved 20 years off his age. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By Anonymous

Almost done

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

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By nostamp - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

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Top comments

By DFlit1 | 0

#3705579 - Friday 9 December 2011 8:59

Owned!

By borkchop1992 | 15

#3705581 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:00

i bet your neighbors dont like you because you typically do douchy things like this

COMMENTS

By Johnothan23 | 7

#3705577 - Friday 9 December 2011 8:59

Ugh, terrible spelling.

By DFlit1 | 0

#3705579 - Friday 9 December 2011 8:59

Owned!

Reply

p3mguin | 7

#3706395 - Friday 9 December 2011 15:20

Your pro pic goes perfect with this statement LOL. but op stop..... BEING A DOUCHE

Reply

Bofferding_fml | 6

#3706769 - Friday 9 December 2011 17:01

Nice pic #3, do I see correct, it is a G36C? Sweet weapon, would be my first choice

Reply

HeXr | 22

#3707011 - Friday 9 December 2011 18:20

Pffft CM901 all the way

Reply

DFlit1 | 0

#3709403 - Saturday 10 December 2011 6:57

Yes it's a G36c dual mags, foregrip and a red dot sight... I now have a holographic for it lol :)

Reply

p3mguin | 7

#3825121 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 18:26

Shut the fuck up faggots. Call of duty nerd wankers.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#3705581 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:00

i bet your neighbors dont like you because you typically do douchy things like this

Reply

lil_miss_katii | 7

#3706589 - Friday 9 December 2011 16:15

Maybe OP should stop being a douche and then his neighbors will like him? Just a thought..

Reply

Michael_92 | 20

#3707055 - Friday 9 December 2011 18:40

What's not to like? I'm sure this guy is rolling in the ladies..oh wait no cause you can't even respect something as small as your neighbors having a tree. There's something wrong withyou dude.

Reply

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3707627 - Friday 9 December 2011 21:36

101- he's gone too far with it now. There's no going back from being a douche. Ever.

Reply

lil_miss_katii | 7

#3709410 - Saturday 10 December 2011 7:00

148- that is a very good point! I forgot about that

By beccalyn244 | 4

#3705587 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:01

well you had it coming :)

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3706292 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:21

have you ever heard about wearing a shirt? My god your boobs are pretty much hangin out. (don't worry I'm not gay. But seriously, not everyone wants to see that)

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#3706303 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:27

translation....
Your boobs are pretty. Much hanging out. I'm not.
Gay, but want to see that.

Reply

perdix | 29

#3706338 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:46

#81 Speak for yourself! I want to see that, and I think lots of others want to as well! Look around at more profiles and you'll fins that beccalyn's shot is relatively modest.

You should write her a PM apologizing for being so clumsy when you were just trying to get her attention. That could put in motion an interesting series of events if you handle it right.

Reply

BigBacker | 0

#3706355 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:51

Monkey you're probably gay...

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3706363 - Friday 9 December 2011 14:57

don't worry 5 your boobs are just fine. keep it coming lol nah I'm jk
no shirt needed.

Reply

alexm501 | 0

#3706852 - Friday 9 December 2011 17:29

BOOBS!

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#3708614 - Saturday 10 December 2011 1:42

Put your boobs away please...

By WCARlover | 34

#3705589 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:01

Wow so you're not just a bratty kid, you're a thief too...nice

Reply

WCARlover | 34

#3705760 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:37

And anyone who doesn't vote "you deserved it" is clearly delusional

Reply

denbeste | 3

#3705907 - Friday 9 December 2011 11:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

WCARlover | 34

#3706524 - Friday 9 December 2011 16:07

Wtf are you smoking 50?

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#3706947 - Friday 9 December 2011 18:04

He's not smoking anything; he's just a douche, too.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#3708125 - Friday 9 December 2011 23:49

What's 50?

Reply

kwanza23 | 3

#3709223 - Saturday 10 December 2011 5:59

Sharing is caring!

Reply

urlifesuxs1 | 9

#3713236 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:25

169-*face palm*

By Tsunami87 | 17

#3705591 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:01

Merry Christmas!!

Reply

AlexanderSilver | 0

#3714985 - Sunday 11 December 2011 12:32

Merry Christmas in Louisiana!!

By tiggerbaxon | 2

#3705598 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:02

Is it any wonder your neighbours hate you! Well played neighbours, well played

Reply

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5711858 - Friday 11 October 2013 7:41

Agreed, they obviously know he's a big douche bag, something he pretty much freely admitted. :p

By jpoole | 4

#3705605 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:03

Ha you've been outplayed, burn their tree down.

Reply

IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3706784 - Friday 9 December 2011 17:04

Read 'burn' as 'bum' -_-

By bemylove123 | 9

#3705622 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:05

Well played. Gotta give them props.

By ninjuh_wingman | 29

#3705624 - Friday 9 December 2011 9:05

Your neighbors just Christmas trolled you.

Reply

conqueror57 | 11

#3705880 - Friday 9 December 2011 11:20

Is a "Christmas troll" an elf??

Reply

KindaFunnyRight | 8

#3706098 - Friday 9 December 2011 13:07

Elfololololol

Reply

The_Troller | 14

#3707788 - Friday 9 December 2011 22:13

HoHoHoHo + Trollololol = Holololol