Holidays: Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd... - FML

By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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You tried

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By ithinkicanmakeit - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I was at the McDonalds drive-thru getting my morning coffee, when some guy slammed into the back of my car. I'm so happy I was holding the cup between my legs at that very moment, because now I have 2nd degree burns on my lady parts. FML

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By Prae - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

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By MandMandM - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By Katsuria - 25/7/2020 14:01

Unreasonable

Today, my mother disowned me because I wouldn’t fill out her visa application for France so that she can see her boyfriend. The reason why I refused was because my husband and I are on our honeymoon, and would like to spend some time together. I guess that makes me a “useless” daughter. FML

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By vidzgrl - Canada

Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML

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By lifesucks0925 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I had to clean human excrement at work when the fitting room turned into the shitting room. FML

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By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By Nohearingornoeating

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

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By mareecasellafml - Australia - Belrose

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

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By Matt - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

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By poongoon

Today, while at the supermarket, I came back to one of my car windows smashed in. Apparently, the stuffed animal my son left in the back seat looks like a dehydrated dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to find my garage broken into and my car covered in paint and with the words "F*** you". Why? I broke up with my ex because she cheated on me and stole money off me and my mom. Apparently this wasn't a good enough excuse to break her up with her. FML

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By sighoutloud - United States

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

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By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By Ploeboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

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By Shobz - United Kingdom

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

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By turtles_yup - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By soccer8goalie - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

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By wendy - 1/4/2021 10:59

Narcissistic parents

Today, my mom told an entire room full of people about the time I almost died from severe diarrhea as a toddler. When I told her that it was embarrassing, she simply told me to “grow up”. FML

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By pencilring - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By Anonymous

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By awks - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, I was dismissed from my job at an unemployment agency. In order to receive financial support from the government I need to be cooperating with a job service provider. They paired me up with the same place I was just fired from. FML

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By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

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By eyeleanify - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to park. Assuming that no one saw, I moved my car and parked somewhere else. Hours later I get a call from the university police. While backing up to go to the police station I hit another car. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, my husband decided he will be a 'stay at home' dad. We have two cats. No kids. FML

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By somebodyelse - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, then he said, "Let's pretend you're someone else." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my sister asked if she could look through my closet to find something to wear. She is 6 months pregnant. FML

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By WasNotAdopted - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

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Top comments

By spoon69x | 5

#7383597 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:35

The obvious solution would be to return the gift next year (although you may want to freeze it in the meantime or there won't be much left to give them.....)

By Tripartita | 44

#7383173 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 7:15

1. Brace yourself
2. Hold the rotten mess closer to your face
3. Blow as hard as you can in the direction of those bastards

COMMENTS

By Laphog | 17

#7383164 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 7:04

Perhaps ....a diaper filled with Indian food?

Bigfoot's **** would probably come close as well.

By coolmike699 | 26

#7383165 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 7:05

Who leaves rotting meat in the living room for 2 days?

Reply

Akitakat | 31

#7578905 - Monday 25 December 2017 0:05

Their dad & brother... didn’t you read the fml? :)

By mermaidkeels | 26

#7383171 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 7:12

If they waited for you to open the "gift", they were near by and had to endure the smell as well. They pretty much pranked themselves in the process.

By Tripartita | 44

#7383173 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 7:15

1. Brace yourself
2. Hold the rotten mess closer to your face
3. Blow as hard as you can in the direction of those bastards

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#7383200 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 8:47

Your family has some weird ideas of what constitutes an acceptable prank. Giving someone rotting meat as a "gift" is unsanitary and bizarre.

By awildwhisper | 30

#7383468 - Tuesday 3 January 2017 9:36

I hope you returned the favor and had saved them Christmas leftovers to give for New Years.

By WeirdUS | 29

#7383593 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:20

Regift it by hiding it in their room or in the closet or even the car especially under the seat it'll be a pain in the ass to reach and the car is going to reek for days.

By spoon69x | 5

#7383597 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 6:35

The obvious solution would be to return the gift next year (although you may want to freeze it in the meantime or there won't be much left to give them.....)

By sgdigaetano | 3

#7383777 - Wednesday 4 January 2017 21:05

What the hell kind of family do you have? Do these types of people even really exist??