Miscellaneous: Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers'...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Breaking Badly

Ideal first date

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom

Pants on fire

Today, I was told by my sister over the dinner table that some guy is telling people I’ve had sex with him; that’s not even the worst part. He’s telling people my sister walked in. One, I haven’t talked to him in years; two, he’s really not my type, three, I’m in a relationship. FML

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By thecaptainmorgan - United States - Tulsa

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

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By WELL FUCK YOU KINDLY, MA'AM - United States - Endicott

Today, I had to forcibly separate a boy from my daughter after he grabbed her and started shoving her around. I complained to his mother, only to have her shout, "mind your fucking business" and say that her son can do whatever the hell he wants. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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By KtSue - United States

Today, my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement, she also shared her troubles. She said, "Everything hangs now, even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank you for the mental image, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By nazirah4shizzle - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder and take me to the bedroom. Little did he know that he literally threw me over his shoulder, and I face-planted on the ground. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By hopelessteej - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

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By Badlucked - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

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By a-mishunderstanding

Today, I was working in costume at a recreation of a Confederation-era town. I had to convince a visitor that it's not, in fact, an Amish village, and we do actually leave after five. FML

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By Trippy Penguin

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

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By sweetlilthing - 31/5/2020 17:00

Understandable

Today, my husband is depressed because the government is relaxing coronavirus isolation and he doesn’t want to have to return to talking to people, or having family drop by unexpectedly, or socialising at all. He prefers being stuck at home as an antisocial Xbox and Netflix goblin FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By me - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I was in love with his best friend. He confessed that he was too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

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By Burning Love - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

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By maisumepg

Today, it’s the third month of my diet. Every dream I’ve had since I started has been entirely about junk food. Every. Single. One. FML

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By stk - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

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By C45 - Canada

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, "Merry Christmas! It's me not you." FML

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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So romantic!

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Triple F - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

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By ouharguohargssdf - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

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By UnexpectedMom - 31/12/2020 02:01

The fertility dance worked

Today, I'm currently 9 months pregnant with my second child within 3 years. I was told by 4 different doctors over the course of the past 5 years that I'm incapable of having kids, due to a medical condition that affects my reproductive system. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend when we started messing around. Things were getting really hot when he gets a call from his best friend whose grandfather had just died. As they were talking and I heard her crying, he unzips his pants and mouths, "She won't know." FML

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By Picaresque - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By snapped - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

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By Tyr88 - Australia - Blakehurst

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

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Top comments

By iomnomnomux3 | 0

#3764836 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:41

you go glen coco.

By misfitmonroe | 4

#3764811 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:38

That is hilarious

COMMENTS

By misfitmonroe | 4

#3764811 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:38

That is hilarious

corporatescoundr | 25

#3765014 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 9:53

I second revenge but YDI for the use of curmudgeonly... Sorry, the fates have spoken

ProjeKtSC2 | 8

#3765079 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 10:54

I dislike the execution of that comment #36...

angry_anonymous | 5

#3765332 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 13:27

Agreed. And OP I think YDI if you actually put fake reindeers on your front lawn. that's just asking for those things to happen.

graham11 | 14

#3765571 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:19

36- shitting reindeers?! I'm sorry you were so deprived of the Christmas spirit as a child!

natskie | 7

#3766798 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 18:27

I think this is absolutely hilarious!! If I had reindeer on my lawn and this happened to me, I would just think my neighbor has a great sense of humor, then laugh it off!

By flirtyfaery | 7

#3764822 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:39

That's awesome! I reckon he'd be fun to live next to.

BrownEyes97 | 1

#3765558 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:17

Why wouldn't you just do that to begin with? OP's neighbor shouldn't have to decorate her yard the right way for her!

By iomnomnomux3 | 0

#3764836 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:41

you go glen coco.

By Son_of_a_biscuit | 4

#3764845 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:42

Bah humbug!

Aquawave7 | 7

#4052321 - Saturday 18 February 2012 17:20

BAH HUMBUG :D

By mack_the_knife | 3

#3764849 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:43

Well, keeping livestock on your front lawn has its downsides.

By MsSoulReaper | 27

#3764862 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:44

Some one is going on the naughty list.

Gayrome | 4

#3764941 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 9:07

He's checkin' his list marking it twice gonna find out who's naughtyy or nice! Santa Clause is cumin' to down...;D

By builditbetter09 | 3

#3764865 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:45

Punch him out... Call
Me dr.phill cause I'm handin out the best advice mofukaaa I'm not rich though.. :(

clcbjj31 | 0

#3765076 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 10:53

The Ph.d. Perhaps?

t765234 | 10

#3765334 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 13:28

Either that or the intelligence.

graham11 | 14

#3765590 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:27

9- personally, I feel as if there are better therapists than dr. Phil out there. But either way, I find your comment really dumb..

docscientist | 9

#3767965 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 22:47

Dr. Phil's best advice is when he recommends someone else. He's an entertainer first and a jackass in equal part.

builditbetter09 | 3

#3770511 - Thursday 22 December 2011 8:44

So intelligence is determined by how funny a comment is? Cause you fucks don't know shit about me.

walkern1891 | 0

#3774681 - Friday 23 December 2011 6:51

I don't think doctor Phil is a real doctor.

By MelTheGreat | 23

#3764867 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:45

Love the colorful vocabulary.

By nofearjenshere | 12

#3764873 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:47

Curmudgeonly, I hope that I'm not the only one on here who doesnt know what this means.

Sirin_fml | 46

#3764894 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:53

That's quite unconscionably supercilious of you, Alan.

blink182AAR | 6

#3764972 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 9:24

Fuckball. Ahahaha, best word on this site.

graham11 | 14

#3765577 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 15:22

I love it when sirin and alan comment because it makes me feel like I'm part of a really important thread!! *claps excitedly*

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3767538 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 21:15

I love it when anyone, even better that it's a tag team FML team comment, comments on a guy who can't look up a little known word before opening his mouth (typing in a stupid manner) with another less than commonly known word (not as good a curmudgeonly, but what is really?)

finished | 10

#3768462 - Thursday 22 December 2011 0:16

11 i bet YOU'RE his neighbour :D

By yarani | 26

#3764877 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 8:48

Very dedicated isn't he?