Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided...

By ;_; - 19/12/2013 22:13 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided to pay him to do one of me. Being a caricature, I looked pretty monstrous in it. When I showed it to my mum later, she shuddered and said, "Yeah, looks just like you." FML

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Miscellaneous

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

The student becomes the master

Hello everyone!

By FlGirl - 24/12/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I stepped outside for a smoke. It was 1 a.m. Thinking no one was around, I let out a series of loud, nasty-sounding farts. I looked over to my left to see the neighbor, whom I've never met, also smoking, and staring at me. That was his first impression of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By ToothHurtyAM - 18/10/2018 05:00

Today, the principal of my school asked me if I had practice. Knowing he's gullible, I said yes. I came home to find him and my mom having sex. FML

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By Display - 27/9/2012 04:10 - France - Paris

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

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By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By cargaljen - 17/5/2014 21:34 - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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By oh gee, you don't say - 15/12/2012 18:43 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

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By bleurghh - 31/12/2011 15:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

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By Motionless - 26/5/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By ke - 29/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I learned I have a severe sinus infection, my body really can't handle antibiotics, and I can projectile vomit out my nose. Not sure if I am more impressed that I still somehow aimed the puke into the sink, or that swallowing afterwards hurt more than emptying my stomach via my nose. FML

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By tiptoesjohnson - 19/1/2012 23:26

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 04:00

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By doughgirl101 - 7/9/2011 05:59 - Canada

Today, my parents canceled the Internet at our house because they view it as a "passing fad." FML

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By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

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By squad - 19/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 25/4/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my phone stopped charging. I panicked because I can't really afford to get it fixed, and it's too stressful a time at my last semester at university to not have a phone. I took it to the repair shop, and the man turned it off and on again. it works perfectly. I'm a total idiot. FML

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By WasteOfOxygen08 - 23/6/2019 04:34

Crockery story

Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 03:37 - United States

Today, I put a sock on my dorm room door to get everyone to think I was getting laid. In truth, I'm a virgin and just wanted to take a peaceful nap. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 12:00

Look-alikes

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

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By anonymous - 10/12/2015 02:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By grosssss - 1/1/2010 13:03 - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 00:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, just 1 month after giving me a bracelet with an infinity symbol on it for Christmas, my boyfriend of three years ended everything out of the blue. That was a short infinity. FML

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By Jograd - 25/9/2012 17:13 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my roommate decided to turn off all appliances in the house to "save" electricity. This included the refrigerator. FML

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By ohmygoodness - 2/3/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 08:35 - Malaysia

Today, while in heavy traffic on the highway, a motorcyclist managed to t-bone my car. He picked himself up, glanced at the side of my car, and quickly drove off, all in the space of a few seconds. I just got an expensive paint job on this thing. FML

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By Maui_Diddy - 15/8/2018 18:30

Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML

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By uggg - 23/1/2015 18:09 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend told me that her fear of PDA has gotten so bad, she doesn't think she'll even be able to kiss me on our wedding day. Her parents are going be there and she can't imagine showing affection in front of other people, let alone her parents. FML

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By crazygirl - 29/10/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2013 21:53 - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By danny5191 - 17/3/2012 02:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

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By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By ukfan - 6/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

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By margretlle - 26/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2016 15:04 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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Top comments

By jayceejaco | 15

#5798355 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:03

You must have a face only a mother.... Never mind.

By HJKM_fml | 19

#5798354 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:03

Maybe she was just joking. Still I would talk to her and let her know those kind of comments bother you.

COMMENTS

By HJKM_fml | 19

#5798354 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:03

Maybe she was just joking. Still I would talk to her and let her know those kind of comments bother you.

By jayceejaco | 15

#5798355 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:03

You must have a face only a mother.... Never mind.

By nnnope | 26

#5798356 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:03

learn to take a joke, OP. :|

olpally | 32

#5798579 - Friday 20 December 2013 5:11

If it was a joke, this wouldn't be on FML... -__-

breakinlegs | 19

#5798590 - Friday 20 December 2013 5:29

its caricature, who cares..

hashshim | 21

#5799357 - Friday 20 December 2013 20:49

#34: it's "It's"

By renaee | 13

#5798358 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:04

Caricatures are always highly exaggerated. Don't take it too personally. :)

RawrImaDragon | 18

#5798399 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:22

"Highly exaggerated"? I'd say horribly ugly..

By adrianh1090 | 12

#5798367 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:06

She was probably joking?

By Kateyez_26 | 13

#5798368 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:06

Let her know you're a product of her ;)

Welshite | 39

#5798371 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:08

Agreed. I got my "Product of JoAnn" stamped on my rump at birth. My mother even got me patented.

MrSassypants | 32

#5798378 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:10

I was born with a Made in China sticker on my head and a barcode sticker on my ass.

Welshite | 39

#5798380 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:11

So you flash the girls whenever they check you out?

Kibaruto | 33

#5798396 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:19

Ever heard of a 'self-checkout'?

By Wizzlbang | 10

#5798382 - Friday 20 December 2013 2:14

Caricatures always look "just like" the person they're drawn as because they take any notable features about the person and exaggerate the bahoozits out of them.

You see it a lot in political cartoons.