Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on... - FML

By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Oh, hai!

DINOSAURS!!

By nr1234 - 24/5/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

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By soo - 2/7/2015 20:25

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

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By maleficunt - 3/6/2014 20:44 - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, a customer yelled at me so furiously that she sprayed my face with spittle. I had to stand there, smiling and politely explaining that I needed to see a receipt before I could give her a refund. When she finally gave up and left, my boss bitched me out for "provoking the customer". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 23:15 - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 18:00

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By dumbass - 6/9/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML

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By nobody - 28/2/2016 01:36 - United States - Petaluma

Today, my best friend said we couldn't be friends anymore because I'm too depressed or too happy all the time. After explaining for half an hour what bipolar depression was and how I have it he just said, "Bullshit!" FML

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By CrawlingUnderARock - 26/9/2017 16:00

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By katiebird - 16/3/2016 20:51 - United States - Durham

Today, my father informed me that I will have no chance of dating a good man if I keep up with these interracial relationships. And that he won't be supporting me through college if I continue this "rebellion." My boyfriend is half black and loves the same music, sports, and movies as my dad. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

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By a - 21/5/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By djl - 20/12/2012 05:30 - Canada - Beaumont

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

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By Samson - 14/2/2010 08:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

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By awkward - 27/2/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

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By anon - 8/3/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

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By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2011 20:19 - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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By KittenShitz - 25/12/2019 14:00

My reward

Today, I felt accomplished after I cleaned the whole house alone, but then I stepped backwards to admire my work and stepped into a pile of dog poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 15:00 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it is inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

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By gaggin - 26/12/2012 19:30 - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By carriageway - 31/1/2020 01:00 - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By Kimberly - 25/7/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

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By pissedinSwiss - 17/7/2009 15:01 - Switzerland

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 22:39 - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, my professor tried to scare the hiccups out of me. Some pee came out instead. FML

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By beno - 7/1/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 17:27 - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By Oihana - 1/8/2015 03:30 - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By nerd - 3/3/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By anonymous - 9/8/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

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By ImaSneakyNinja - 17/11/2016 02:55 - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

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By Kiki - 12/7/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00 - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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By karengoeswest - 16/8/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By linren - 28/3/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - 22/9/2017 13:00

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

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By WellThatSucks - 23/5/2016 09:15 - United States

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

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By soccerbooty - 7/6/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

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Top comments

By TransGenderToast | 0

#7391347 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:38

You must have bad acne

Comments

By TransGenderToast | 0

#7391347 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:38

You must have bad acne