Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on... - FML

By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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Messed up

Serious times

Workaholic

By Ms.rain - 7/12/2018 12:30

Today my boyfriend went through my phone while I was in the bathroom to check if I was cheating...... I wasn't. He was looking for some leverage so when he told me he's been fucking my bestfriend for the last year, he could use something against me... FML

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By ohgodwhy - 18/9/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, my school voted for a Pokémon theme for this year's homecoming. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - 4/1/2013 20:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By Briana Bettis - 29/9/2019 22:00

Don't dip your pen in company ink, etc.

Today, after 2 years of searching, I finally have a job that I love. Now I'm probably going to lose it because I started having sex with one of my managers, and our coworkers are starting to catch on. They caught on pretty much the day I told him that we should stop having sex so we wouldn't lose our jobs. FML

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By Noname - 11/2/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Lexi - 4/9/2019 12:00 - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By chachi - 28/9/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

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By Colbasaur - 24/6/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, I won an academic award during an assembly. Everyone laughed, followed by booing. FML

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By nerdgirlmickey - 3/3/2013 16:05 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my girlfriend can do Heath Ledger's "Joker" voice perfectly. I'm not sure if I should be scared or impressed. FML

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By Entheatus - 10/8/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Guntherdog - 27/6/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Dean Heffern - 22/2/2011 14:28

Today, I was paired up with a partner in my film class. He has an idea for a film: "Shoot an onion from all angles, light it on fire, and roll it down a hill". He was dead serious. I'm stuck with this guy for the whole year. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 17:08 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By tanksfan - 5/1/2010 05:55 - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than 2 years, I decided to quit. I come home from work and I see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

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By mrWrong - 25/3/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

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By Abu - 25/12/2016 10:05

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

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By Screwed - 9/11/2012 04:02 - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By skygardens - 21/8/2018 15:00

Today, I had just gotten home after being away for 8 months. My key didn’t work on my lock and while I was messing the door a man with a child opened. My landlord gave someone my apartment while I was away. FML

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By pandroida - 25/10/2009 15:56 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

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By Shelby - 19/6/2012 16:38 - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

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By lynnie - 23/10/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I had to come up with a reward system for getting my boyfriend to brush his teeth daily. He's 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2012 15:14 - United States

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

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By junior - 11/4/2010 08:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend, thinking we were alone in the house. Her little brother found us having sex on the couch, took a pic and said, "You are now both my slaves." He ran upstairs and locked his bedroom door. FML

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By teejayrn - 18/12/2012 10:03

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By jo - 20/2/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

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By ChangoFett - 26/5/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

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By Sarah - 26/1/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

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By yeah - 22/6/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

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By disney - 26/11/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

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By Ackbar - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

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By strikeout - 4/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

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By fail - 16/1/2011 01:50 - Canada

Today, I decided to play a friendly game of Clue with my family. This resulted in one kid crying, one dad with a broken nose, two broken plates and a trip to Walmart to get a new Clue game. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

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By Aether - 3/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 07:24 - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By Wetarse - 15/3/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

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By JulleandCici - 31/1/2009 15:03 - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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By Luna - 22/7/2012 02:30 - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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Top comments

By TransGenderToast | 0

#7391347 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:38

You must have bad acne

COMMENTS

By TransGenderToast | 0

#7391347 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 13:38

You must have bad acne