Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell...

By Aphrodite - 23/1/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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Love

Proactive

Serious times

Long story short

By Anon - 1/4/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

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By NotYourTracy - 30/10/2018 13:30

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

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By holiday from hell - 25/12/2013 01:12 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I went to my dad's house for Christmas. Soon enough, my grandma had commented on how much weight I've gained, my aunt asked me why I'm still single, and my dad joined in by reminding me that I still haven't been accepted into college. Only three more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 17:04 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I found out my brother doesn't have a problem with "keeping it in the family". It's now up to me to explain why our cousin is pregnant with his kid. FML

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By Joe Lizen - 7/8/2012 01:40 - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By sharpie2792 - 15/2/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

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By Axlgrows - 2/12/2016 16:44

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

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By notcountry! - 27/6/2019 02:30

Today, even though my mom’s only ever been to the south once, she’s completely obsessed with talking with a bad, overly exaggerated southern accent. Not to mention constantly prattling off random nonsensical country phrases. We’re from and still live in California, nowhere near any country. FML

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By blinded - 11/2/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By Sith Dad - 5/9/2018 15:00

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 16:30

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By pincushion - 31/12/2016 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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By womboman - 30/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By lolatmylovelife - 11/6/2015 20:51 - United States - Del Valle

Today, I walked in on my husband going down on another woman. Instead of speaking, he looked at me, got up, and slammed the door. FML

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By tommyboy783 - 20/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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By hé merde - 23/2/2014 02:27 - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 00:01

He's probably right

Today, I found out that my boyfriend thinks brushing his teeth is unnecessary, because, "the world is going to end because of climate change anyway." FML

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By holdengurl18 - 21/6/2011 04:46 - China

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

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By thestudent - 18/2/2011 09:30 - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By radiant - 22/1/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:58 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My daughter's $11 One Direction poster. What will it cost to fix my car? $1,000. FML

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By cl4ptp - 14/8/2012 12:17 - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

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By StinkFoot - 28/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was pet sitting for a friend. As soon as I walked in the door, I stepped in dog poop. I took off my shoes to clean them, then stepped in cat pee in my socks. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 12:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2017 20:00

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By Pissed - 20/6/2016 19:27 - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By Blake Lawrence - 26/11/2012 18:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

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By waitress - 12/4/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

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By annoyedguy - 30/6/2009 11:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2018 20:36

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By spiderchick23 - 10/2/2011 00:41 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

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By agentile - 2/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By 552220000 - 14/6/2019 22:00

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2018 07:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2013 10:06 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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By Ren - 28/12/2012 07:49 - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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Top comments

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#794477 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:04

so I am guessing he didn't go south of the border after that.

By HoesInaBox | 0

#794466 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:01

how did you not feel it coming? >.< FHL

COMMENTS

By Sirin_fml | 46

#794432 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:54

That is so hot. So what happened during the actual sex?

AVainAttempt | 0

#794464 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:00

Lol so guess what, she got turned off from him smudging the vomit all over her

wheatie | 0

#794520 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:18

ew.

BritishHobo | 0

#794592 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:58

PottentialFML | 0

#794794 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:14

He got the full eating out experience.

HeresReality | 0

#794843 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:43

your boyfriend is so ugly he makes you throw up? dump him. though he probably dumped you already for regurgitating all over him

BlueJeans2626 | 0

#794876 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:55

I bet he got this big hard boner

metazoanhaddock | 11

#795178 - Sunday 24 January 2010 8:37

win^

skullbashd | 3

#795202 - Sunday 24 January 2010 9:00

well he gave her a sausage wrap to throw up.

By MadeOfAwesome | 1

#794440 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:54

Did you sex after?

By Taipan_fml | 0

#794446 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:56

Yo quiero Taco Bell

QJD | 0

#794496 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:09

Me Tambíen.

whataloadofbull | 0

#795293 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:06

the accent goes on the "e" dumbass

HeyThereGorgeous | 0

#835686 - Monday 8 February 2010 22:13

yo quiero tacos y nachos 

PotatOS55 | 19

#5418109 - Sunday 24 March 2013 6:00

Yo soy Taco Bell (yes, I know I just said I am Taco Bell. I don't regret it)

By Deathlyranch | 0

#794452 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:56

He got wood from it, didn't he?

youdidwhatnow | 0

#794456 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:58

Lmao, that's nasty. It's more like FHL.

TheDrifter | 23

#4011826 - Thursday 9 February 2012 4:12

When I saw round two, I wasn't thinking vomit. I had thought they were decidedly farther along than making out, but either way, that's nasty.

By HoesInaBox | 0

#794466 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:01

how did you not feel it coming? >.< FHL

Vaati_fml | 20

#5515830 - Saturday 1 June 2013 3:44

Puke is often sudden or subtle. It's not likely that you would notice before it was too late.

By emmaemmaemma_fml | 0

#794468 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:01

eww FHL

By Noxic | 0

#794470 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:01

Did he hit your uvula with his tongue?

By davidhasmorefun | 0

#794477 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:04

so I am guessing he didn't go south of the border after that.

drewbell | 0

#794863 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:51

I loved that comment

By ilovebradiew | 0

#794478 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:05

FHL for sure, eww..

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#794483 - Sunday 24 January 2010 2:06

YDI for eating Taco Bell.

waterynuggets | 0

#794757 - Sunday 24 January 2010 4:45

All that needs to be said.

toxic10uhc | 0

#794776 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:00

taco bell is the shiz

dudeitsdanny | 9

#794836 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:35

Agreed.