Miscellaneous: Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they... - FML

29/08/2013 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 739

You deserved it 2 723

Another great day to be alive

Compromises

Mama's boy

19/08/2013 16:00 - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 029

You deserved it 3 802

Balls

By Anonymous - 04/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, at 17 years-old my doctor told me my balls are riddled with multiple small cancerous tumours. They are now useless for sperm production and will have to be removed anyway to cure the cancer, but not to worry, for aesthetic reasons they can replace them with silicone balls instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 573

You deserved it 93

19/06/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 029

You deserved it 30 719

02/11/2016 08:29

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 307

You deserved it 816

05/09/2015 01:25 - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 743

You deserved it 28 521

18/03/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 704

You deserved it 8 679

19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 353

Cats are like drugs

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 23:01 - Turkey - Adana

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 401

14/02/2014 17:11 - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 547

You deserved it 4 558

09/01/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 355

You deserved it 6 291

The single life

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 00:02

Today, I was invited to my ten year high school reunion. I refuse to go because I’ll stick out like a sore thumb. All the girls I grew up with will be there with their husbands, while I’m a single loser who can’t get a man to save her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 252

Shave it off, own it!

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 22:01 - United States

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 63

03/04/2013 21:40

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 500

You deserved it 5 114

20/06/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 099

You deserved it 12 805

24/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I'd really like to date to meet up for drinks. Excited, I walked out my front door, slipped on a patch of ice, and dislocated my shoulder. She won't go out on a date with me now because I "ditched her". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 647

You deserved it 2 839

22/07/2013 02:35 - United States - Carmel Valley

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 562

You deserved it 4 047

07/11/2012 15:00 - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 254

You deserved it 23 897

23/05/2015 02:26 - United States - Wallburg

Today, I finally found a bug I had been trying to get rid of. When I removed my bra, I noticed what looked like a piece of bug on it. Apparently, the bug was flattened and suffocated by my boob the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 460

You deserved it 2 746

08/02/2009 05:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 902

You deserved it 11 547

17/01/2015 22:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 780

You deserved it 10 175

Keep out

By username - 06/06/2020 08:04

Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 319

27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 619

You deserved it 4 873

30/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 230

You deserved it 7 002

10/06/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to a Dodger game with my crush. Between innings, the "Kiss cam" came up on the big screen. The camera happened to land on us, and when my crush saw us on the screen, he leaned away from me and buried his face in his hands. Everyone saw, and sympathetically said "Awww." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 135

You deserved it 3 633

Never enough

By Discostu80 - 06/06/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered in my wifes' ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud, because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 771

You deserved it 6 923

12/11/2010 03:55 - United States

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 077

You deserved it 3 643

05/11/2018 15:30

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 194

You deserved it 3 440

Karma

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 00:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my side chick decided to call my wife and inform her about the affair I was having, all because I slammed on the brakes in the car to avoid hitting a cat and made her spill her frozen yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 3 517

11/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 923

You deserved it 8 781

17/12/2012 18:48

Spicy

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 981

You deserved it 4 994

27/04/2012 05:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 169

You deserved it 4 426

29/07/2009 06:22 - Canada

Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 253

You deserved it 3 076

06/10/2011 03:59 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend I had an appointment for laser hair removal. He responded by making "pew pew" noises and pretending to shoot my underarms. He's 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 882

You deserved it 29 338

Oh, the irony

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 07:56

Today, my dad came home after collecting donations for construction of the temple of Lord Rama, who is known for qualities like patience. Within 5 minutes, he started yelling at my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 72

02/04/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 066

You deserved it 6 581

17/02/2010 06:30 - Canada

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 431

You deserved it 32 944

09/02/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 296

You deserved it 4 423

01/10/2011 12:33 - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 593

You deserved it 51 607

16/05/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 874

You deserved it 18 666

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 23:01 - United States - Portland

Today, I was bowling with a woman I like. At the end of the night, I was trying to decide whether I should ask her out. I went up to her and said, "It was fun bowling with you." She said, "Thank you, Patrick." My name isn't Patrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 108

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:00

Wow that's just immature. Sorry about it op

tanekdrachonae 19

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:06

Those were some really cocky burglars.

Comments

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:00

Wow that's just immature. Sorry about it op

K410 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:32

Sounded like they were robbed by a bunch of 12 year old cod players lol

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:37

Even us 20 year old battlefield players enjoy a good cock painting now and then.

K410 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:41

Lol it all started in counter strike anyway :p

ViRepz 28

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:49

I wish cod or battlefield had custom spray tags =)

caohm 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:49

it was a cocktastrophy!!! *puts on blind fold and smokes his last cig waiting for firing squad of thumb downs*

TheCanucklehead 22

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Thursday 29 August 2013 19:07

The catastrophe is people that say they're preparing for thumbs down

K410 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 20:32

Valve ftw :p

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:54

No 24 it was Malcolm McDowell from clockwork orange just be thankful he had to read the meter.... No time for the in and out.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:00

They sure cocked up

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Thursday 29 August 2013 17:15

Yeah, and if the OP had found the burglars, they would've been coldcocked by her! -well, I tried, and I just had to use the word coldcocked!-

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Thursday 29 August 2013 18:56

Oh shut up, at least I tried. Rather then the usual "that sucks" lol. I tried. I was going to stop attempting puns if this one was bad, so okay then. I won't try to do puns. I just wanted to be creative xD

KazuTrumpet1512 21

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Friday 30 August 2013 6:32

Don't stop trying! You have to be persistent if you want to make better puns.:)

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Friday 30 August 2013 7:04

#56: Aww well thanks for the inspiration! Maybe I'll work on my pun skills(: I just hate when someone tries to get snappy at people who actually try to be funny and what not. You don't know how many times I rewrote that comment. I kinda figured this would have happened. It never sounded right lmao. (:

poodle_juice 17

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:00

What a dick.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:00

artistic burglars? what kind of sorcery is this

ColdplaySucks 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 18:48

I believe this type of sorcery is commonly known as vandalism. Witchcraft!

torbey 23

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:02

that sounds like a pretty personal attack... hopefully you haven't been a dick lately then! but FYL if you haven't...

BossPathfinderGM 14

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:04

How exciting.

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Friday 30 August 2013 5:31

What? Are you not impressed?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:05

That's so not alright. Why'd it have to be skunking?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:49

*Facepalm*

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:05

Very unfortunate circumstance but you will have a great story to tell for years to come! Who else can claim that burglars painted penises on their wall?

TheOrangeProon 13

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Thursday 29 August 2013 18:40

It happens more often than you'd think ):

israa_alhasani94 12

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:05

Totally rude of them!

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:20

you say that like it isn't rude to break into someone's house in the first place.

mcm_3 16

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:23

Well they did break in to OP's home, manners probably wern't a priority.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:06

No company over for awhile >_

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 30

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 460