Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted... - FML

By historyrepeats

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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Dog whisperer

Some winners…

Not now, please

By fuckthepopo - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. In tears, I called my best friend and told him everything. He responded with one- or two-word answers throughout, but I felt better all the same. That is, until I heard him begin to take a loud piss half-way through my sentence. FML

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By Handblocked

Today, I got a new vibrator, raced all the way home, tore my pants off, took it out of the box, and then my grandmother walked in my front door. Apparently she's spending the night so she can make it to a doctor appointment in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By DarkDisaster - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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By Josh - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

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By Jman6295 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, it's my 21st birthday. My parents' gift was a case of non-alcoholic beer, to "prepare" me for when I "turn 21." My parents can't even remember how old I am. FML

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By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Huddinge

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By goingnowherefast - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By princess4242 - India

Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I saw my ex boyfriend walking down the street in my direction. I've put on a bunch of weight since we broke up, so I turned to look in the nearest shop window, hoping he wouldn't notice. Unfortunately he did see me, looking straight at a KFC. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By jostertoaster12 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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By homedoggieo - United States

Today, I was eating a croissant. After eating half of it and about to take another bite, a spider crawled out of one of the holes of flaky deliciousness and descended down a thread of web to the table, where it scuddled away. There was a whole family of them living in there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

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By Panda Man - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

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By LD619 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By Insensitive - Australia

Today, I sent a get well card to my friend. it wasn't until after I got home from posting it did I realise that the stamps I put on the envelope had the phrase "Let's Get Active" on them with drawings of people playing sports. My friend is in a wheelchair. FML

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Top comments

By FtheHumanity | 17

#7820005 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:37

Whoever did that is an evil asshole and they do not represent the views of the majority of Americans. They are just loud right now. File a police report. That person destroyed your property. They probably have warrants out already, and eventually they'll get locked up for a week or two. This guy is a sick wounded weasel with a pencil dick, and he's the one who needs to get gone. I'm sorry that happened, OP. Dollars to donuts he drew the swastika backward. #darwin

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7820020 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:18

I’m so fucking sorry this happened

COMMENTS

By FtheHumanity | 17

#7820005 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:37

Whoever did that is an evil asshole and they do not represent the views of the majority of Americans. They are just loud right now. File a police report. That person destroyed your property. They probably have warrants out already, and eventually they'll get locked up for a week or two. This guy is a sick wounded weasel with a pencil dick, and he's the one who needs to get gone. I'm sorry that happened, OP. Dollars to donuts he drew the swastika backward. #darwin

Reply

alycion | 38

#7820086 - Thursday 11 July 2019 8:42

Some places even treat vandalism as a hate crime. So it’d be more than a couple of weeks.

Reply

Victor Gorgua | 8

#7821586 - Wednesday 17 July 2019 6:01

I appreciate the additional pencil dick insult lol

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7820020 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:18

I’m so fucking sorry this happened

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7820023 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:24

Is one thing to be A Trump supporter,but it's another to be a racist asshole.

Reply

mssileas | 25

#7820169 - Thursday 11 July 2019 13:00

lmao, how?

You're gonna be that person in 20 years who sounds like people around here "well Hitler wasn't ALL bad, he built the autobahn, right?"

Reply

TooTall0231 | 9

#7820286 - Friday 12 July 2019 0:43

Isn't being a Trump supporter and being an asshole one in the same?

Reply

WeirdUS | 29

#7820622 - Saturday 13 July 2019 11:00

Both go hand in hand. Can't support a racist and claim they can't claim they aren't but still vote for him anyway. Never understood why his supporters don't get it.

Reply

lj19717 | 19

#7823597 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 3:02

Supporting Trump is inherently racist

By A Frenchy in Eire | 31

#7820190 - Thursday 11 July 2019 15:54

Well, like Trump would say : "there are very fine people on both side"...

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7820555 - Saturday 13 July 2019 3:19

Where did you wake up if not at home?