Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted... - FML

By historyrepeats - 11/7/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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Proactive

Weird kid

Peaky Bladders

By random123 - 29/11/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

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By Brianna Weltmire - 8/4/2012 05:13 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom tagged me in a picture on Facebook. It's a very zoomed in picture of a zit that had just recently erupted on my face. The caption is "My baby's biggest zit yet!" FML

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By everybodypoops - 2/8/2017 20:00

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

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By box bulge - 21/10/2011 01:24 - China

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 17:24 - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By Stormy - 27/2/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my first ever high school party with music, drinks, and dancing. Within a few minutes of taking my first ever shot of tequila, I was in the worst pain in my life. My parents were called and I had to be taken to the hospital. I'm alcohol intolerant. FML

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By Elizabeth - 9/1/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

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By Jessica - 28/2/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I got my score back for the monologue I performed. I got points taken off for "seeming nervous." My character was supposed to be nervous. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 16:00 - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By XxOx - 4/2/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By SpeakerPhone - 14/11/2009 17:31 - France

Today, in a big meeting, my secretary calls me saying that I have an important call waiting. I put the call through. It was my beautician, confirming my appointment to get rid of an ingrown hair. I hurriedly confirm and hang up to see everyone in the room giggling. The speaker phone was on. FML

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By missyoudad. - 31/8/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 18:14 - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/3/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

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By valene5687 - 27/1/2016 05:20 - United States - Gretna

Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML

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By BabyButt - 9/4/2014 17:50 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend to our local park, and I playfully climbed into one of the baby swings. I planned on having him push me, not getting stuck and having to be cut free from the seat while he laughed. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - 9/12/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By rawr - 20/4/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

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By rtrim29 - 26/12/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

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By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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By Veryfunny - 23/2/2012 23:52 - Australia

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

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By left out wet - 22/6/2019 22:08

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

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By Ryan - 11/6/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By whattabrat - 26/2/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By Emyka - 21/9/2016 10:51 - Austria

Today, at my job of 2 months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for 2 months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - 19/2/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

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By upset room mate - 18/8/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

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By it's just a name - 10/1/2013 05:53 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 02:02

Capitalism 101

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

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By 1378 - 12/3/2010 08:26 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/7/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By imsorry - 14/1/2015 23:57 - United States - Oakland

SORRY!

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

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By AmPatt - 26/12/2016 16:06 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, despite driving extremely slowly and cautiously, we slid off the road due to ice and snow. The car hit a rock and the airbags deployed. We were in my 3-month-old car because the engine in my husband's truck blew last week. Merry Christmas to us. FML

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By stacyyvonne - 7/10/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I finally found the courage to tell my drug addict husband that I'm leaving him. He sat in his chair, denying using drugs, ever. Right after he said this, he passed out and spilled hot coffee on himself. He then denied spilling the coffee. As I was leaving, he took all of my shoes. FML

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By doneanddone - 28/2/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

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Top comments

By FtheHumanity | 17

#7820005 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:37

Whoever did that is an evil asshole and they do not represent the views of the majority of Americans. They are just loud right now. File a police report. That person destroyed your property. They probably have warrants out already, and eventually they'll get locked up for a week or two. This guy is a sick wounded weasel with a pencil dick, and he's the one who needs to get gone. I'm sorry that happened, OP. Dollars to donuts he drew the swastika backward. #darwin

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7820020 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:18

I’m so fucking sorry this happened

COMMENTS

By FtheHumanity | 17

#7820005 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:37

Whoever did that is an evil asshole and they do not represent the views of the majority of Americans. They are just loud right now. File a police report. That person destroyed your property. They probably have warrants out already, and eventually they'll get locked up for a week or two. This guy is a sick wounded weasel with a pencil dick, and he's the one who needs to get gone. I'm sorry that happened, OP. Dollars to donuts he drew the swastika backward. #darwin

Reply

alycion | 38

#7820086 - Thursday 11 July 2019 8:42

Some places even treat vandalism as a hate crime. So it’d be more than a couple of weeks.

Reply

Victor Gorgua | 8

#7821586 - Wednesday 17 July 2019 6:01

I appreciate the additional pencil dick insult lol

By Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7820020 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:18

I’m so fucking sorry this happened

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7820023 - Thursday 11 July 2019 5:24

Is one thing to be A Trump supporter,but it's another to be a racist asshole.

Reply

mssileas | 25

#7820169 - Thursday 11 July 2019 13:00

lmao, how?

You're gonna be that person in 20 years who sounds like people around here "well Hitler wasn't ALL bad, he built the autobahn, right?"

Reply

TooTall0231 | 9

#7820286 - Friday 12 July 2019 0:43

Isn't being a Trump supporter and being an asshole one in the same?

Reply

WeirdUS | 29

#7820622 - Saturday 13 July 2019 11:00

Both go hand in hand. Can't support a racist and claim they can't claim they aren't but still vote for him anyway. Never understood why his supporters don't get it.

Reply

lj19717 | 19

#7823597 - Tuesday 23 July 2019 3:02

Supporting Trump is inherently racist

By A Frenchy in Eire | 31

#7820190 - Thursday 11 July 2019 15:54

Well, like Trump would say : "there are very fine people on both side"...

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7820555 - Saturday 13 July 2019 3:19

Where did you wake up if not at home?