Kids: Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged...

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 317

You deserved it 3 328

Kids

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Problematic language

The Teaching Life

By Anonymous - 11/03/2015 18:43 - United States

Today, I finally accepted I need help with my anxiety issues. I started small and I joined a support forum and wrote a post. I was quickly called a troll by multiple users, accused of faking it, and told to "fuck off back to Tumblr" because they wouldn't believe my anxiety is really so serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 883

You deserved it 3 777

By chiktikka - 14/01/2014 22:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 029

You deserved it 8 388

Bro moment

By Anonymous - 11/11/2021 11:00

Today, I had a stomach bug and had to run to the restroom because I messed my pants. My boyfriend's words of comfort? "Don't worry, bro. I've crapped my pants at least twice since we've been together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 130

Impossible relationship

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 16:30

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 194

By wowzers0889 - 28/04/2012 21:21 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 671

You deserved it 7 504

By hannieannie - 09/02/2016 21:51 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 285

You deserved it 3 097

By DogLover - 06/02/2013 13:59 - United States - Watertown

Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 492

You deserved it 4 793

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 15:46 - United States

Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previous one. She seemed nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wasted, spilled beer all over my bed and blew chunks into my fish tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 518

You deserved it 2 964

By Jumanji - 12/12/2008 06:05 - France

Today, I opened my laptop in the train to watch a good film I had downloaded. Of course, it was a fake and the whole carriage was allowed to watch and hear five seconds of butt licking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 924

You deserved it 11 977

By LunaCrow - 10/02/2015 02:32 - United States - Shakopee

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 401

You deserved it 3 112

Fake News

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen-pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 854

You deserved it 4 150

By forthethreeofus - 22/07/2019 22:00

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 176

People gonna be people

By Anonymous - 13/01/2022 10:59

Today, I had to fix signs to a pond in the public park, stating that the water is not fit for drinking. Yes, this is after someone drank the water, became very sick, and successfully sued us for not having a sign up telling him the pond of mucky brown water with fish in isn’t fresh drinking water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 69

By stuck - 19/09/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 657

You deserved it 10 889

By fatpreggo - 07/08/2009 20:14 - United States

Today, I was proudly telling my husband that I only gained 8lbs through the pregnancy thus far. I usually obsess over my weight so it was a great accomplishment for me. He then turned and pinched my arms. "well it looks like all the fat migrated to your arms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 972

You deserved it 8 247

By Paris101 - 22/02/2013 14:51 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I emailed 10 parents inviting them to my son's birthday party. All 10 emailed back saying their kids had to get a cavity filled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 292

You deserved it 3 868

By Ohshucks! - 20/07/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 535

You deserved it 15 508

XXL

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 23:01

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 228

By agnosticstudy - 14/01/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, I met a woman that I've been emailing and trading pics with for over a month. We had a face to face, she was surprisingly overweight, and the sun hit her face in a way that radiated all her facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 275

You deserved it 28 783

By bronieswillrule5eva - 11/06/2012 18:16 - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 565

You deserved it 3 449

By gassy - 15/07/2015 11:15 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 230

You deserved it 4 001

Such a rewarding career

By DirtyNurse - 05/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 144

By babysitter - 17/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 387

You deserved it 3 775

By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 676

You deserved it 4 167

By Anonymous - 06/05/2015 17:44 - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 253

You deserved it 37 210

Mixology

By fml9124 - 22/10/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, my wife is out of town on business. So I got drunk. Really drunk. Felt like swimming around midnight (we live in Arizona). Jumped in the pool… and forget how to swim. Too uncoordinated, I almost drowned. Then I threw up in the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 2 340

By Coffee - 06/08/2018 16:30

Today, I went to Starbucks to get my free birthday coffee and due to a mistake I received two. Thinking it was my lucky day, I hurried off to work. As I was walking in, I tripped and spilt one coffee all over my new dress. Then I walked into a door and spilt the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 812

You deserved it 1 059

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 13/08/2020 02:01

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 257

By optimistic2628 - 19/10/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 973

You deserved it 7 041

By Anonymous - 24/05/2015 14:14 - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 217

You deserved it 2 569

Revealed

By PartyPoop - 28/08/2021 02:00

Today, at my gender reveal party, my daughter threw a huge temper tantrum and knocked over tables and chairs screaming, “Fuck this shit!” when the reveal came out pink. She’s five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 1 088

By Anonymous - 06/07/2013 11:26 - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 630

You deserved it 6 781

You owe me $5, kitty

By georgia819 - 21/05/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, my cat was hit by a car. I took it to the vet expecting the worst but they told me that she’d be fine. I was so happy I didn't even mind paying the $50 bill. The next morning my cat was dead. Having her put down humanely would have cost $45, I paid $5 extra to have her die in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 445

You deserved it 4 303

By Anon - 14/04/2016 22:23 - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 379

You deserved it 6 680

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:02

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 283

You deserved it 69

No imagination

By why? - 17/08/2020 14:02

Today, I found out from my first cousin whose teenage daughter is pregnant that she has chosen to name her child after mine. I would be okay with this, if it weren’t the same first name, and if they weren’t just a couple of years apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 204

By KidJwal - 28/02/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 456

You deserved it 6 933

Kevin can fuck himself

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 00:01

Today, my husband was two hours late from picking up my daughter from practice. I called his cell once to check if they were alright. When they finally arrived, he was annoyed at me for "controlling" him. He then pushed his sweaty shirt in my face to take in his "musty scent". When I refused, he got mad again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 103

By canabana - 11/04/2009 08:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 000

You deserved it 6 206

By Anonymous - 02/05/2013 15:04 - United States - Houston

Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 633

You deserved it 4 303

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Top comments

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!

ICastillo 24

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..

Natasha14641 7

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

yoyoforpeace 14

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

Look on the bright side OP, at least they use teamwork!

Zoh_Aubrey 8

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:15

Ah, the joys of parenthood.

have_a_moment 0

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Saturday 27 October 2012 6:28

Have kids they said. It'll be fun they said.

dead247 13

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Saturday 27 October 2012 8:07

Whoever was to say that should be slapped. Repeatedly.

MagicGiraffe 12

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Saturday 27 October 2012 8:26

52, and then the devil said "Let's put letters in math".

patrickalamo 47

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Saturday 27 October 2012 14:36

I it's time for a late term Abortion...

Minx108 12

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Saturday 27 October 2012 16:02

1- there will still be casualties somewhere else

migi428 5

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Saturday 27 October 2012 17:49

71, you must be retarded.

theprincess79 2

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Tuesday 13 November 2012 11:54

That's rude! They don't need to be put up for adoption just because they were trying to get their moms attention, I think mom needs to pay more attention to her kids.

Major_Whupass 3

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

Sounds like you've got a couple of sadists... Sounds like you had two of me! :-)

tehhboss 6

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Sunday 28 October 2012 2:11

Weird-o

dancersinger124 7

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Sunday 28 October 2012 17:22

...What

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:56

That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!

geko911 22

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Saturday 27 October 2012 4:29

The reason why DocBastard is in that list is most likely because he would never say something like that so it makes no difference.

RussianFox 13

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Saturday 27 October 2012 4:32

32- You would be surprised by how far a kiss-up would go.

dead247 13

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Saturday 27 October 2012 8:10

Reminds me of a "G" rated version of an antichrist. Instead of murdering your nanny, you slam your dads fingers in the door.

Shafena 8

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Saturday 27 October 2012 2:58

Kids, eh?

Accuraxy 10

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:03

Yes, kids.

iOceanus 18

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:55

You wrote this just to get in the first 5 comments, didn't you?

ICastillo 24

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:00

They're out to get you now OP you shouldn't have told them no, to the toys they asked you to buy them.

LiesAndMischief 4

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Saturday 27 October 2012 5:57

I'm sorry, but what's with the random comma...?

ICastillo 24

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Saturday 27 October 2012 6:07

I didn't even notice that. I edited my comment and didn't take it out.

LiesAndMischief 4

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Saturday 27 October 2012 6:14

Alright, I was just wondering because I couldn't help but read it with that awkward pause and it was bothering me. xD

ICastillo 24

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Saturday 27 October 2012 6:23

Ya now that I read it I feel a little stupid.

ycrem0n 21

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:02

How about good parenting and psychotherapy?

Angelrose2004 17

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:07

I think these kids have watched The Omen one too many times!

day624 14

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:09

You my friend, have a couple of sadistic daughters

MURIKKA 11

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Saturday 27 October 2012 6:04

I bet they enjoy standing together in long hallways.

Chanti_fml 26

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Saturday 27 October 2012 11:06

Redrum..., redrum...

ICastillo 24

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..

Akazuki 26

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Saturday 27 October 2012 3:10

I bet we'll be seeing them in an episode of "Killer Kids" in a few years.

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 343

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 548

You deserved it 681

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