Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
Missusluv313 9
I swear, I wouldn't know whose ass to beat first. P.S. I hope your fingers aren't broken.
perdix 31
Relax. Soon, they will discover firearms and your problems will disappear. Unfortunately, so will you. RIP, lady.
hatesfate 6
The OP is their father....
perdix 31
OK, RIP, dude.
ninjadinos 14
Meep! Sorry! I know those types of kids. Sounds similar to the little girl I was watching who would run up to men and punch them in the balls and then laugh maniacally.
dead247 13
My niece would do that if I fell asleep at my sisters house. She does that to my brother in law to.
taerts 9
Those kids sound like a huge handful :(
beautifulbeau 4
That's why abortions should stay legal!
zenrael 21
SMOKE
monstersocks 5
I bet they learned a few new words...
KindaFunnyRight 8
I'm not sure how to tell you this but… your children are possessed
AH1Zviper 15
No, they're not. You know what they are? Kids.
KindaFunnyRight 8
I'm not sure how to tell you this but… your children are possessed
torio123 27
It was bad the first time you said it, saying it again doesn't make it any better!
Dixbfloppin 11
Another reason why I never plan on having children.
OverBlossomed 22
Me neither
AH1Zviper 15
I do believe that Jeremy Clarkson does already have children.