Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
outoftown 27
Hmmm... two psychopaths, or clever 5-year-old twins? I'm going with clever twins. Good luck parenting, OP. Hope your fingers are OK.
mizteri 1
Please tell me you disciplined them afterwards. Doesn't have to mean eating the shit out of them. Just taking away all toys and privileges for until you heal and then some. Constantly reminding them that they cannot do such things and that is the consequence. I not...you deserve it for spoiling your kids and raising them wrong.
dead247 13
Or you could spank your kids and take away all their privileges. Kids need a good spanking every now and then. Kids may have more respect if they had some physical discipline in there life. Go ahead and thumb me down for my views, I'll still stand by them.
GoddamnBatman 7
@59, I don't think many people will thumb you down. I have had several discussions with other people how I think spanking a child will help with parenting. Most people agreed to that.
tubz84 2
That doesn't imply psychopathic behaviour at all.
daybar12 8
We need to talk about Kevin...
dabeast15 7
Ur kids r total bitches
Bena_Round2long 2
That's kinda cute!... And hey at least they get along! Right?!
carminecris89 13
There's nothing cute about two monstrous little girls hurting their mother. I'm always baffled by people who laugh off some really horrifying behavior because the child is little. The intent is pretty scary, and their age doesn't change that.
carminecris89 13
*father
greeneyebeauty9 28
you sure know how to raise 'em..
KiddNYC1O 22
Damn, they might end up on Deadly Women. Do something about it while it's early and watch your back.
iHeartMuzik 0
Are They Twins? Lol OP, I Have Twin Cousins, They're Trouble makers, But Dont Worry! Theres More As They Get Older! :) lol
devonisthebest 7
Did you adopt them from Russia?