Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
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Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
yenidewi 11
maybe u r too busy with yourself
akirakuran42 14
Haha are they twins? My twin sister and I used to be crazy as kids too. I know it doesn't make your fingers feel better, but there's still hope for them :)
CanCann 16
Did you contribute to their brattiness?
chameleon28 16
All children under 18 show signs of sociopathic traits at times. They dissapear or change after a while. Such as me, whenever i saw a sad movie such as titanic, I never cried once (im a girl). But now when i see such a scene i actually tear up. Its really werid.
kerrywoodwins20 2
Wtf are you rambling about?
ThecomingofTan 9
61, not crying when you are a child watching Titanic does not mean you suffer from sociopathic traits. You are clearly off your rocker.
alissa222 15
There's a wee difference between not tearing up because of a movie and tag teaming it to slam your moms hand in a car door.
KK3137 31
Haha :D well slamming the car door is a bit extreme, but I remember when I was 4 or 5 my brother and I would take turns distracting my parents (usually showing off our "beautiful" drawings) while the other one would sneak into the kitchen and take some candy.. Kids get very clever when they want something.
kerrywoodwins20 2
It is almost December 21, 2012. Looks like we've found a couple of antichrists to set about the end of the world.
Meme1988 18
Time to teach them some lessons
pandalover69 26
as long as they're not killing things they're not psychopaths, they just need to be disciplined better, teach your little psychos some manners!
marcmcclelland 2
Hahaha...we my brothers and I were that age, we'd put encyclopedia sized books over our bedroom door, leaving it cracked a little to support the book, then call for help from our father. After he'd barge in, get hit with a large book, and realize no one was hurt, we were usually grounded to say the least :P
Twisted_Angel 17
You're kids are wired wrong. You're about 5 years from finding a hit list...