Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
donut_gurl 8
well maybe the problem is your attitude and parenting skills... just saying
The_F3rris 11
What did you do to make them hate you?
Old_Iron_Sides 6
All 5 year olds are deranged psychopaths, at least they don't have a hit list...or do they?
NYCBOII123 7
So one of your daughters "pulled" the car door shut. I'm pretty sure when you pull on a car door, while depressing the handle, it opens. I think you we're looking for the word "pushed". Other than that OP, great post!
EvanescenceLuver 12
#76 - Actually, if the daughter was INSIDE the car, it would indeed have been pulled, not pushed. I'm thinking OP wanted to go somewhere with his kids, and was loading them into the car, but they really just did not want to go. But yeah, inside=pulled, outside=pushed.
nerdsgetmehot 23
I'd say it's pretty normal for all 5 year olds to be deranged psychopaths. I'd be more worried if they were perfectly behaved little angels.
NicoleAshley10 0
You got some demon daughters on your hands. I would watch out for them because next they would try to kill you. I watch too many movies where kids kill their parents. They start behaving just like that then bam the parent is dead.
CrazyManNo9 29
All 5 year olds are like that. As a matter of fact, all girls of any age are psychopaths.
torio123 27
So you're saying that if someone did this to you, you would take it as a compliment? Something's not right here...
CountryCutie90 5
What kind of parent calls their children deranged? You raised them remember so great job on your awesome parenting skills
akiahara 14
I'm not the only one who thought of The Omen. Discipline or you might die.