Kids: Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake...

By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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Kids

This is fine

Kick the bum out, part 2

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By myleghurts - Australia - Strathfield

Today, on my way to school, I was shouted at by an obnoxious businessman for sitting down on the train when a "full fare paying passenger" was standing. I would normally have given him the seat straight away, except I have a broken leg. I showed him my leg and crutches. He still made me get up. FML

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By Milly - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By lifesux - South Africa

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

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By IamHM - United States

Today, I walked 2 miles to the store, filled my cart with groceries, and got to the cashier only to find I had forgotten my wallet. I tried to explain but got the nastiest stank-eye from the cashier, the manager and everyone in line behind me. I walked 2 miles home, hungry and embarrassed. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By Local Welsh

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

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By Anonymous - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

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By Anonymous - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By ModernDayMaid

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By swallowsafly

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML

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By sassman - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

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By Susan - Ireland

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

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By Powerfool - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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By WTFFAIL - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

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By Emma Five - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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By apparentnerd - United States

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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By chevysprint - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

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By Chaosfigure

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By Tali - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By Saraaah - 19/12/2020 02:01

You never know

Today, I'm on a long car trip with a friend who makes fun of my pee breaks every 45 minutes. "Well, are you incontinent? You should wear diapers, otherwise we'll never reach our destination!" What she doesn't know : I have bladder issues, and even if I try not to use them, I do wear diapers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Orangeville

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML

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By eightleggedtictac - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By Richard - United States - Uxbridge

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

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Top comments

By DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

By australiaaaa | 0

#203423 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:35

guys, it's not the dad. the OP's name is badMOM101 lol
but seriously, OP, make sure you explain that to the school if she bruises

COMMENTS

By unwantedx | 0

#203379 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:08

ouch.

vollyball921 | 0

#1018002 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:57

poor kid 

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1050369 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 16:42

K.O!!!!!!!

qwaxalot | 0

#1326903 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:15

ydi for being gay

By _W_T_F_ | 0

#203383 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

i guess u've won father of the year? ....lol

DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

Jbiebs82 | 0

#983753 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:22

Just hope the S.S don't come...

quicheme45 | 0

#2205324 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

Wow.....

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2720406 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:00

u mean mother???

By Raiden91 | 0

#203384 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

Aw that sucks :(

By jakedmagic | 0

#203385 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:11

man that SUCKS bigtime=/ id hate it if that happened to me

By buu700 | 3

#203386 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:12

Don't feel too bad; she deserved that. If my daughter ever tickled me I'd pop a cap in her ass.

By cptnfrankie | 0

#203395 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:16

aw fuck her life lol

By shananigans | 0

#203411 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:25

More like F Her Life, lol. But it's not like you did it on purpose. Sorry bud!

By YLS | 0

#203415 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

Live and learn. She got a valuable life lesson, at least?

Lilcommentaddict | 0

#953710 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:25

life lesson = kick to face?

Shadow14l | 0

#976815 - Friday 9 April 2010 9:43

More like don't fuck with someone.

By sparda4355 | 0

#203417 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

You'll be making a new FML when DCFS comes a knockin!!!

I'm not saying they should, this was clearly an accident... But just wait till your little sweet five year old goes to preschool or daycare! What happened to your face honey? "my daddy kicked me because I tickled him"...

Ring Ring, "hi dcfs, we would like to report..."

By fantome_fml | 0

#203418 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:31

My Mom did that to my Dad...I guess the moral of the story is to not tickle peoples feet...ever. Too bad your daughter had to learn that lesson the hard way.

kadiedlawrence | 0

#2719557 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:54

a few weeks ago my dad grabbed my feet and started me and I kicked and broke his thumb lol