Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake...

By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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Kids

Understandable

Fear factor

Headache

By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By Baconcook3000 - 23/7/2011 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By tinytitty - 23/3/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

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By fall3nrain - 11/9/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was trying to keep myself occupied due to my recent breakup. I was reading this book someone gave me about animal communication, so after a while, I figured I'd give it a shot. Then it dawned on me; I'm single, at home on a Friday night, and I'm trying to talk to my dog. FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By SarahNB - 1/3/2014 21:09 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

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By srhoa01 - 5/7/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

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By Crowded House - 12/7/2019 12:28

Today, my newborn son is only four days old. My in-laws have been over five times already. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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By - 27/1/2017 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML

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By John Doe - 7/1/2020 05:00

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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By NotGay - 16/6/2012 05:45 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

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By Anstice - 5/10/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

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By Shit - 27/4/2014 17:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By CreeperKiller2000 - 29/5/2017 00:00

Dude! Come on!

Today, I woke up really out of it, and as I was walking into the kitchen, I stubbed my toe on a tile. I sat down, then got up and stubbed the same toe against the table, went over to the kitchen and stubbed the same toe on the same tile again. FML

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By catpeecathy - 14/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By TheL1nds - 26/5/2012 09:17 - Australia - Kingswood

Today, I checked my fake Facebook account for the first time in ages and realized that the fake me got more birthday greetings than the real me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By illequipt - 16/3/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my penis over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

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By yif2 - 16/5/2015 11:47 - United States

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

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By seeking new employment - 7/1/2016 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out why my coworkers never invite me anywhere. Apparently, I "made a face" when one of them used the N-word, and it makes them uncomfortable to be around me. FML

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By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

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By Dana422 - 18/5/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - 5/3/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 23:16 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By asianlover - 30/6/2011 07:24 - Finland

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

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By geoduck - 10/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML

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By NeedHeadPhone - 30/11/2009 16:51 - Canada

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - 24/9/2015 14:33 - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By AgentKoos_99 - 11/10/2016 07:52 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2012 19:26 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I drove for hours to attend a martial arts tournament, and then I waited ages for it to finally start. I lost in less than a minute. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 00:50 - United States

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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Top comments

By DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

By australiaaaa | 0

#203423 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:35

guys, it's not the dad. the OP's name is badMOM101 lol
but seriously, OP, make sure you explain that to the school if she bruises

Comments

By unwantedx | 0

#203379 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:08

ouch.

vollyball921 | 0

#1018002 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:57

poor kid 

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1050369 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 16:42

K.O!!!!!!!

qwaxalot | 0

#1326903 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:15

ydi for being gay

By _W_T_F_ | 0

#203383 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

i guess u've won father of the year? ....lol

DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

Jbiebs82 | 0

#983753 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:22

Just hope the S.S don't come...

quicheme45 | 0

#2205324 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

Wow.....

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2720406 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:00

u mean mother???

By Raiden91 | 0

#203384 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

Aw that sucks :(

By jakedmagic | 0

#203385 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:11

man that SUCKS bigtime=/ id hate it if that happened to me

By buu700 | 3

#203386 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:12

Don't feel too bad; she deserved that. If my daughter ever tickled me I'd pop a cap in her ass.

By cptnfrankie | 0

#203395 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:16

aw fuck her life lol

By shananigans | 0

#203411 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:25

More like F Her Life, lol. But it's not like you did it on purpose. Sorry bud!

By YLS | 0

#203415 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

Live and learn. She got a valuable life lesson, at least?

Lilcommentaddict | 0

#953710 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:25

life lesson = kick to face?

Shadow14l | 0

#976815 - Friday 9 April 2010 9:43

More like don't fuck with someone.

By sparda4355 | 0

#203417 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

You'll be making a new FML when DCFS comes a knockin!!!

I'm not saying they should, this was clearly an accident... But just wait till your little sweet five year old goes to preschool or daycare! What happened to your face honey? "my daddy kicked me because I tickled him"...

Ring Ring, "hi dcfs, we would like to report..."

By fantome_fml | 0

#203418 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:31

My Mom did that to my Dad...I guess the moral of the story is to not tickle peoples feet...ever. Too bad your daughter had to learn that lesson the hard way.

kadiedlawrence | 0

#2719557 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:54

a few weeks ago my dad grabbed my feet and started me and I kicked and broke his thumb lol