Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake...

By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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Kids

Keep the peace

The cheek of some people

Gas giant

By bosslady12 - 21/12/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

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By RdL - 17/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 15/12/2018 23:00 - United States - University Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has to picture someone else when we have sex. The most recent: my roommate. FML

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By done - 7/8/2018 11:30 - United States - North Las Vegas

Excuse you?

Today, after spending years volunteering at community theatres and being accepted into a prestigious university for theatrical design, my public high school gave me a scholarship. All my mother could say was "I'm sorry they wasted their money on you." FML

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By klutz - 27/2/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I wore out the highest heels I had but was nervous about falling because I am such a klutz. I got through the night without any injuries, so I changed into the sneakers I had brought with me to walk home. I tripped right outside my house in my sneakers and broke my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2014 03:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - 29/6/2017 04:00

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 15:15 - United States - Lompoc

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

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By Joey - 30/1/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 21:30 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

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By Boo Boo - 22/1/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By come on man - 29/11/2014 17:03 - United States - Sunnyvale

It's the thought that counts

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

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By jabba - 5/10/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 13:30

Today, my sister got fired and I got promoted to her job, got a nice payrise for it. My relationship with my sister will never be the same again. FML

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By stillpoor - 14/3/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By LaurahLunatic - 5/9/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 14:29 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By ReineXre - 15/6/2016 00:00

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 05:02

Bored

Today, I'm considering working as an escort again, to get some human closeness, have interesting conversations and feel wanted and appreciated. I'm actually in a steady relationship; I guess it’s not a very good one. FML

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By cnkk07 - 14/10/2011 10:36 - United States

Today, my dad used the stove to boil water. Unfortunately, he turned the wrong burner on, setting the smoke alarm off. What's worse was the smell of burning plastic that came from the coffeemaker being melted down. It's been over an hour, and my eyes still burn like hell when I walk into the kitchen. FML

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By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By burb - 25/9/2013 19:23 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I invited my new girlfriend over for the first time. My roommate thought it would be funny to go on a porn site on my computer and leave it up. She saw it, freaked out, slapped me, and left. FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

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By Dudeman5000 - 21/1/2009 06:59 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By weeping_angel_ - 12/7/2014 14:00 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was watching adult videos in my apartment. I'm deaf, so I didn't realize my volume was at full blast until I put my hand over the speaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By epicc1584 - 30/7/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

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By BEE - 10/10/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I am in a very long line at the supermarket, gazing about in complete boredom when I spot a lady cradling what appears to be a cute newborn baby. Being enamored of all babies, I get off the line, go over and say "Oh, what a cute little baby!" The lady was holding a coconut. FML

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By hala - 16/3/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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By kb - 1/2/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

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By AsianSensation - 15/12/2014 03:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 14:35 - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

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Top comments

By DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

By australiaaaa | 0

#203423 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:35

guys, it's not the dad. the OP's name is badMOM101 lol
but seriously, OP, make sure you explain that to the school if she bruises

COMMENTS

By unwantedx | 0

#203379 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:08

ouch.

vollyball921 | 0

#1018002 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:57

poor kid 

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1050369 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 16:42

K.O!!!!!!!

qwaxalot | 0

#1326903 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:15

ydi for being gay

By _W_T_F_ | 0

#203383 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

i guess u've won father of the year? ....lol

DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

Jbiebs82 | 0

#983753 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:22

Just hope the S.S don't come...

quicheme45 | 0

#2205324 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

Wow.....

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2720406 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:00

u mean mother???

By Raiden91 | 0

#203384 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

Aw that sucks :(

By jakedmagic | 0

#203385 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:11

man that SUCKS bigtime=/ id hate it if that happened to me

By buu700 | 3

#203386 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:12

Don't feel too bad; she deserved that. If my daughter ever tickled me I'd pop a cap in her ass.

By cptnfrankie | 0

#203395 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:16

aw fuck her life lol

By shananigans | 0

#203411 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:25

More like F Her Life, lol. But it's not like you did it on purpose. Sorry bud!

By YLS | 0

#203415 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

Live and learn. She got a valuable life lesson, at least?

Lilcommentaddict | 0

#953710 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:25

life lesson = kick to face?

Shadow14l | 0

#976815 - Friday 9 April 2010 9:43

More like don't fuck with someone.

By sparda4355 | 0

#203417 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

You'll be making a new FML when DCFS comes a knockin!!!

I'm not saying they should, this was clearly an accident... But just wait till your little sweet five year old goes to preschool or daycare! What happened to your face honey? "my daddy kicked me because I tickled him"...

Ring Ring, "hi dcfs, we would like to report..."

By fantome_fml | 0

#203418 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:31

My Mom did that to my Dad...I guess the moral of the story is to not tickle peoples feet...ever. Too bad your daughter had to learn that lesson the hard way.

kadiedlawrence | 0

#2719557 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:54

a few weeks ago my dad grabbed my feet and started me and I kicked and broke his thumb lol