Kids: Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake...

By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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Kids

Sorry…

Late term

I'm a mess

By ART - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year decided to confess to me that almost everything he has told me in our relationship has been a lie. This includes telling me that he was single when we first met, telling me that he loved me, and telling me that I was beautiful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Wales

Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML

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By scaredypants123 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By notguilty - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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By Blood on my hands - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

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By Grossed Out - Australia

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

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By buckid310 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By Hackmanjones - Canada

Today, I was volunteering at a zoo event for special needs kids. My job was to dress up in a kangaroo costume and greet the kids. One kid came up and said "You're not real!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML

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By Invisible - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01

We need details!

Today, was an absolute mess. It began with getting a towel caught on my nose ring and ended with my car catching on fire. FML

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By Wutdafuqq - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

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By 16isntsweet - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By agh marriage - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By hinting - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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Crazy party

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By synyster505 - United States

Today, I put my old kitchen table at the end of my driveway with a free sign on it. Later, I saw my neighbor drag it to his yard with a $50 for sale sign on it. It's now gone. FML

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By CreeptacularBait

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By B1N

Today, I took a shower and went to put clothes on after, only to find no clothes in my closet. My mom took them all and hid them. No idea why. No idea when I will get them back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

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By yek - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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By MasterMcrib - United States - Highland Park

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

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By yuck

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By RandomTurtle109 - United States - White River Junction

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

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By mykhael - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By Sydney - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

It's just liquid fun

Today, I caught my mom trying to get secretly smashed out of her brain-box on booze at 8:00 a.m. FML

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By rmonk - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

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By Jojo

Today, after months of planning, my boyfriend told me he's changed his mind and doesn’t want to move with me to where I got a job. Why? He doesn’t want to live that far away from his mother. FML

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By TuteSweet - United States

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

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By lene - 11/3/2021 04:57

Management balls-up

Today, I was fired for not completing the required computer training, which no one told me about. I was told that it's my responsibility to check it every week. It would have been nice if a single one of my supervisors had given me any indication whatsoever that this was the case. FML

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By andy - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

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By sucks4me - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

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By NoseInPain - United States

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

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Top comments

By DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

By australiaaaa | 0

#203423 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:35

guys, it's not the dad. the OP's name is badMOM101 lol
but seriously, OP, make sure you explain that to the school if she bruises

COMMENTS

By unwantedx | 0

#203379 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:08

ouch.

vollyball921 | 0

#1018002 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:57

poor kid 

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1050369 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 16:42

K.O!!!!!!!

qwaxalot | 0

#1326903 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 9:15

ydi for being gay

By _W_T_F_ | 0

#203383 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

i guess u've won father of the year? ....lol

DarrenJonBanks | 0

#834179 - Monday 8 February 2010 8:48

That'd be quite hard, seen as it's a woman.

Jbiebs82 | 0

#983753 - Thursday 22 April 2010 21:22

Just hope the S.S don't come...

quicheme45 | 0

#2205324 - Saturday 19 March 2011 16:52

Wow.....

lindsaylu98 | 0

#2720406 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:00

u mean mother???

By Raiden91 | 0

#203384 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:10

Aw that sucks :(

By jakedmagic | 0

#203385 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:11

man that SUCKS bigtime=/ id hate it if that happened to me

By buu700 | 3

#203386 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:12

Don't feel too bad; she deserved that. If my daughter ever tickled me I'd pop a cap in her ass.

By cptnfrankie | 0

#203395 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:16

aw fuck her life lol

By shananigans | 0

#203411 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:25

More like F Her Life, lol. But it's not like you did it on purpose. Sorry bud!

By YLS | 0

#203415 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

Live and learn. She got a valuable life lesson, at least?

Lilcommentaddict | 0

#953710 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 14:25

life lesson = kick to face?

Shadow14l | 0

#976815 - Friday 9 April 2010 9:43

More like don't fuck with someone.

By sparda4355 | 0

#203417 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:30

You'll be making a new FML when DCFS comes a knockin!!!

I'm not saying they should, this was clearly an accident... But just wait till your little sweet five year old goes to preschool or daycare! What happened to your face honey? "my daddy kicked me because I tickled him"...

Ring Ring, "hi dcfs, we would like to report..."

By fantome_fml | 0

#203418 - Saturday 16 May 2009 16:31

My Mom did that to my Dad...I guess the moral of the story is to not tickle peoples feet...ever. Too bad your daughter had to learn that lesson the hard way.

kadiedlawrence | 0

#2719557 - Monday 20 June 2011 2:54

a few weeks ago my dad grabbed my feet and started me and I kicked and broke his thumb lol