Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML
Today, both of my daughters were having an argument because my youngest has decided that she doesn't want kids. I defended her decision and my oldest daughter told me to STFU and called me a hypocrite. I slapped her across the face for her disrespect and now she's threatening to press charges. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML
Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
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Top comments
EvilPotato 15
That's actually pretty smart for two five year olds! Well smart in a scary way, but still!
ICastillo 25
They figured since you didn't melt when they threw water on you a few weeks ago that they would just smash your fingers as a consolation prize..
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Comments (98)
withasmile 3
She purposefully shut the car door on your hand or shut the door while you were distracted by the other's screaming?
dreadbeat69 12
Maybe you could, you know, discipline them every so often? A kid who gets their ass whooped the first time they do something is a kid who is never going to do it again. How about parenting once in a while?
reelucy 0
a five year holds behavior is directly associated with their caregivers. if they behave that way it must have something to do with how they are being raised. don't write fmls showing how stupid you are.
thefuckinloser 6
I sure hope you checked both of them not only would they get the holy living **** beat out if them they be restricted for a long time to come . you or the father corrected that while they are young I hope
Ferreesley 3
Boxing gloves sound like appropriate attire around these two. Or a lot of gauze.
theprincess79 2
That is so mean! How could u say that about your daughters?? What the he!! is wrong with u?
btothel 4
This made me angry, not because OP's daughters are disobedient, but because of OP's blatant and moronic misuse of the term psychopath. Psychopathy should not be used as a blanket term, given it has extremely specific manifestations, and if you don't know that then you shouldn't be using the term at all. TL;DR OP deserved it for being a moron
sbstar2017 8
Teamwork makes the dream work
PsychoKittie 7
Bite their fingers. Show them how it feels then ground them
brooklynnhaley 4
I'll take them