Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how...

By Sam - 27/2/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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Intimacy

Don't shoot the messenger

Nice neighborhood

Compassion

By Anonymous - 24/5/2014 06:08 - United States

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

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By hi - 1/3/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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By coffee - 22/8/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By academicloser - 22/2/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn't get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML

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By Drizztreri - 5/3/2014 00:09 - United States - Imperial

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

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By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

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By human lava lamp - 10/3/2013 19:54 - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By ohno - 14/9/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By Username - 2/10/2019 14:00

Life is a roller coaster

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

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By well scrooge you too - 26/12/2015 04:24 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, a customer gave me the dirtiest look ever and muttered "goody two-shoes prick" after I asked if he'd like to donate a few cents to charity. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 16:15 - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 06:29 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 04:10 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML

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By Like mother like daughter - 24/2/2015 22:25 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

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By Jorgen - 18/12/2015 01:45 - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By LeftOut - 13/4/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said "You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That's you." I just got dumped by my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 02:00

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

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By the bleeder - 13/5/2016 05:05

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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By unbelievable - 2/2/2009 11:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By Michele - 18/1/2010 00:32 - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 18:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By EggBomb - 1/12/2016 18:22

Today, after boiling eggs my whole life, I wanted to try a packaged hard-boiled egg for the first time. I'd never had a cold egg before, so I thought it would be a good idea to warm it up. Now, I'm cleaning out a billion pieces of egg shrapnel in the microwave. FML

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By beurk - 6/2/2015 05:18 - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 12:37 - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 04:48 - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:22 - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By pat - 9/3/2010 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By testesential - 13/12/2011 17:24 - United States

Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML

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By Hellau - 29/12/2009 10:56 - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By sucks4me - 18/6/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By yikes - 21/4/2012 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom to pee. I looked at the toilet paper after I wiped and saw a spider on it. It was still wiggling its legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

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Top comments

By FeedMonkeyking | 4

#2130650 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

By krushr | 3

#2130675 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

Comments

By FeedMonkeyking | 4

#2130650 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

TayonaC | 10

#2130707 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

still just knowing about what they are doing is life altering :( FYL

TayonaC | 10

#2130739 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:10

I mean they. my bad

josephhhhhh | 0

#2131217 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:14

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

josephhhhhh | 0

#2131232 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:16

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

vodkaliciouz | 4

#2131361 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:57

exactly my first thought too. at least that what i'd do, blasting music in my earphones while do some stuff that would take my
mind off.

ImanAzol | 4

#2131470 - Monday 28 February 2011 4:40

Apparently to her father, yes.

Lennsik | 4

#2131570 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

@44, really man? I don't think any daughter should think about their Mom being a MILF.

alex1432 | 9

#2131724 - Monday 28 February 2011 6:04

iPod and weed do wonders

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2131872 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:12

if this girls/guys never smoked... they might freak themselves out in their room by themselves, just a thought

twitch851 | 9

#2133037 - Monday 28 February 2011 14:08

dude just play video games while they get their game on. that's what I do when my parents do it. u should b thankful your parents still love each other.

emodude44 | 0

#2133962 - Monday 28 February 2011 20:02

Whenever I heard my parents doing it, I turned on my headphones.
Or... you could run in during and ask
"Hey Mom did you see my... OH MY GOD!"

just to ruin the moment

NDiesal10 | 2

#3397411 - Thursday 6 October 2011 20:31

Headphones and either a movie, TV, video game, or online videos.

By brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2130654 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Wow. At least your parents are doing great. If that's any consolation? On second thought, I'm sorry, I don't think there's any consolation.

J_Bizness | 0

#2131160 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:48

I just wanted to say that you are very cute!

kateeeh | 0

#2131563 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:10

ok pimp (#40) this is FML....NOT a dating site, so chill

bthomas0319 | 2

#2131576 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

NICE RACK!

bthomas0319 | 2

#2131582 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:14

YOU HAVE A WEDDING RING ON YOUR FINGER!

ZachMitch1994 | 0

#2131887 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:22

stfu bieber has no right to talk hahah

C6Racer | 0

#2132062 - Monday 28 February 2011 9:17

Agreed, 67.

KyleIsSoFine | 0

#2132189 - Monday 28 February 2011 9:41

I agree with 40.
67, you horndog -_-
Asdfghjklimsobrd.

hachi8 | 0

#2137233 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 16:09

yea, no consolation at all for that one. lls

skate4shekla | 0

#3532897 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 23:09

Honestly I agree with your first part. Its not nice to have parents that dont like eachother :(

By McMan | 23

#2130658 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:54

Images? You planning on watching?! O.o

tigerlily33212 | 0

#2130662 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

haha ikr! creeper!

chippa | 24

#2131126 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:41

"...mental images..."

McMan | 23

#2131539 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:00

I'm pretty sure it said "images" by itself earlier.

McMan | 23

#2131616 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:23

Actually it did, I asked a moderator.

ashtonTS | 0

#2131954 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:58

definitely said mental images retard...

sassypants93 | 17

#2134435 - Monday 28 February 2011 23:33

88- Moderators can change the post. You just made a fool of yourself.

By bossybella | 0

#2130668 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

Darn... Loud TV, or blast your earphones?

By krushr | 3

#2130675 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

royalt313 | 0

#2130816 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:25

^bahah win

attatood | 7

#2131128 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:43

That would make the screams louder! But really... that's crappy.

mariazzz | 5

#2132501 - Monday 28 February 2011 11:05

LMAO

By Hanimon | 0

#2130679 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:57

I feel sorry for ya, but there's lots of ways to prevent yourself from hearing them.

mddaily21 | 0

#2236135 - Thursday 24 March 2011 20:14

hey Hannah. what's up

By Doortje | 28

#2130704 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

Eww. Thanks OP, now I'm having mental images too.

therealdavid | 0

#2132534 - Monday 28 February 2011 11:16

ik! THANKS OP:P

By Jagzy | 0

#2130758 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

Brave the snow!!! It's much safer for your mental well being

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#2131812 - Monday 28 February 2011 6:34

Unfortunately, the mental image is already there. May I suggest a combination of alcohol and a long trek in the snow? Vodka seems appropriate.

Joshua3109 | 0

#2360848 - Sunday 17 April 2011 4:04

hey

By TayonaC | 10

#2130760 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

ugh that's gross, creepy, yet oddly enough also funny.
I'm gonna tell my friend that tomorrow! :)

By Krystal1029 | 0

#2130773 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:14

Play very loud music :) but yeah sucks for yooou!