Intimacy: Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how...

By Sam - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

There's no helping some people

Drained

By Anonymous - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

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By failedparenting - United States - Bronx

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

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By jennlikewhoa - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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By Kris - China

Today, at my workplace, a TV was installed just above my register at work which plays the same mind-numbingly awful 13 second ad on loop for the duration of our latest sale. The sale lasts for what are going to be three very long weeks. FML

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By someone - United States - San Diego

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

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By panickygrl - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By HP_22 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By mandy - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

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By maaaryy - France

Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from work to find my grandmother in my living room, demanding to know where I'd been all day. I'm 22 and live by myself. She stole my mother's emergency key to get in. FML

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By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By Nonbikerbiker

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

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By Anonymous

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By Roxy19 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By EffinAhole - France

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told his best friend to text my sister telling her to tell me that he was breaking up with me. FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By nowimbroketoo - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

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By Peter Parker - United States - Redlands

Loofah

Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML

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By NeedaNosePlug - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

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By Pfff - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By clayton - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

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By lrn2road - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was screamed at by a lady for riding my bike too slowly in front of her car. I was in the bike lane, and so was she. FML

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Lamediseased - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By anon - United States - Kennett

Today, I woke up and put my contacts in. It appears that I got drunk enough last night that instead of soaking my contacts in contact solution, I used mouthwash. FML

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By Anon - United States - Denton

Today, after nearly a year of being stalked, harassed and even terrorized, the police finally found out who my stalker was. It was my 19-year-old son, who thought it would be a fun prank to pull. FML

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By rapper in training - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

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By mook - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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Top comments

By FeedMonkeyking | 4

#2130650 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

By krushr | 3

#2130675 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

COMMENTS

By FeedMonkeyking | 4

#2130650 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

TayonaC | 10

#2130707 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

still just knowing about what they are doing is life altering :( FYL

TayonaC | 10

#2130739 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:10

I mean they. my bad

josephhhhhh | 0

#2131217 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:14

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

josephhhhhh | 0

#2131232 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:16

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

vodkaliciouz | 4

#2131361 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:57

exactly my first thought too. at least that what i'd do, blasting music in my earphones while do some stuff that would take my
mind off.

ImanAzol | 4

#2131470 - Monday 28 February 2011 4:40

Apparently to her father, yes.

Lennsik | 4

#2131570 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

@44, really man? I don't think any daughter should think about their Mom being a MILF.

alex1432 | 9

#2131724 - Monday 28 February 2011 6:04

iPod and weed do wonders

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2131872 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:12

if this girls/guys never smoked... they might freak themselves out in their room by themselves, just a thought

twitch851 | 9

#2133037 - Monday 28 February 2011 14:08

dude just play video games while they get their game on. that's what I do when my parents do it. u should b thankful your parents still love each other.

emodude44 | 0

#2133962 - Monday 28 February 2011 20:02

Whenever I heard my parents doing it, I turned on my headphones.
Or... you could run in during and ask
"Hey Mom did you see my... OH MY GOD!"

just to ruin the moment

NDiesal10 | 2

#3397411 - Thursday 6 October 2011 20:31

Headphones and either a movie, TV, video game, or online videos.

By brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2130654 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Wow. At least your parents are doing great. If that's any consolation? On second thought, I'm sorry, I don't think there's any consolation.

J_Bizness | 0

#2131160 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:48

I just wanted to say that you are very cute!

kateeeh | 0

#2131563 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:10

ok pimp (#40) this is FML....NOT a dating site, so chill

bthomas0319 | 2

#2131576 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

NICE RACK!

bthomas0319 | 2

#2131582 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:14

YOU HAVE A WEDDING RING ON YOUR FINGER!

ZachMitch1994 | 0

#2131887 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:22

stfu bieber has no right to talk hahah

C6Racer | 0

#2132062 - Monday 28 February 2011 9:17

Agreed, 67.

KyleIsSoFine | 0

#2132189 - Monday 28 February 2011 9:41

I agree with 40.
67, you horndog -_-
Asdfghjklimsobrd.

hachi8 | 0

#2137233 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 16:09

yea, no consolation at all for that one. lls

skate4shekla | 0

#3532897 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 23:09

Honestly I agree with your first part. Its not nice to have parents that dont like eachother :(

By McMan | 23

#2130658 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:54

Images? You planning on watching?! O.o

tigerlily33212 | 0

#2130662 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

haha ikr! creeper!

chippa | 24

#2131126 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:41

"...mental images..."

McMan | 23

#2131539 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:00

I'm pretty sure it said "images" by itself earlier.

McMan | 23

#2131616 - Monday 28 February 2011 5:23

Actually it did, I asked a moderator.

ashtonTS | 0

#2131954 - Monday 28 February 2011 7:58

definitely said mental images retard...

sassypants93 | 17

#2134435 - Monday 28 February 2011 23:33

88- Moderators can change the post. You just made a fool of yourself.

By bossybella | 0

#2130668 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

Darn... Loud TV, or blast your earphones?

By krushr | 3

#2130675 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

royalt313 | 0

#2130816 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:25

^bahah win

attatood | 7

#2131128 - Monday 28 February 2011 2:43

That would make the screams louder! But really... that's crappy.

mariazzz | 5

#2132501 - Monday 28 February 2011 11:05

LMAO

By Hanimon | 0

#2130679 - Monday 28 February 2011 0:57

I feel sorry for ya, but there's lots of ways to prevent yourself from hearing them.

mddaily21 | 0

#2236135 - Thursday 24 March 2011 20:14

hey Hannah. what's up

By Doortje | 29

#2130704 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

Eww. Thanks OP, now I'm having mental images too.

therealdavid | 0

#2132534 - Monday 28 February 2011 11:16

ik! THANKS OP:P

By Jagzy | 0

#2130758 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

Brave the snow!!! It's much safer for your mental well being

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#2131812 - Monday 28 February 2011 6:34

Unfortunately, the mental image is already there. May I suggest a combination of alcohol and a long trek in the snow? Vodka seems appropriate.

Joshua3109 | 0

#2360848 - Sunday 17 April 2011 4:04

hey

By TayonaC | 10

#2130760 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

ugh that's gross, creepy, yet oddly enough also funny.
I'm gonna tell my friend that tomorrow! :)

By Krystal1029 | 0

#2130773 - Monday 28 February 2011 1:14

Play very loud music :) but yeah sucks for yooou!