Intimacy: Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how...

By Sam - 27/02/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 688

You deserved it 4 277

Intimacy

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

This Charming Man

Not the golden child

By Nigel - 13/07/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 378

You deserved it 13 279

By MgmEboy - 19/09/2009 21:36 - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 294

You deserved it 268 503

By Suzie - 18/02/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 468

You deserved it 197

By Carrie - 08/05/2013 05:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 569

You deserved it 7 196

By a - 01/03/2011 15:00

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 800

You deserved it 5 756

By foodsicknessinATL - 24/11/2016 00:08 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 464

You deserved it 916

Symphonic

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 22:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 748

You deserved it 4 896

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 21:40 - Denmark

Today, the weather man announced that today's forecast will include heavy rain and hail in my city. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. However, my house has no roof at the moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 102

You deserved it 4 595

By Motionless - 26/05/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 927

You deserved it 23 700

By Anonymous - 16/06/2017 16:00

Today, my mum rejected my friend request on Facebook, again. Even my high school friends are friends with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 557

By almost - 22/08/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 184

You deserved it 321

By davidthegreat - 05/07/2011 08:27 - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 794

You deserved it 5 884

By Anonymous - 29/06/2013 17:18 - Czech Republic

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 713

You deserved it 3 070

Couldn't have been that great

By Anonymous - 16/04/2021 16:59 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up naked in my best friend's roommate's bed. We had sex and I puked on the bed. My first sex in over a year and I don't remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 374

You deserved it 999

By fmyjob - 02/11/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for my first raise in almost two years, to which he replied, "In the real world, I think you've definitely earned one, but this isn't the real world." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 890

You deserved it 2 329

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 820

You deserved it 3 195

By jaymaag25 - 20/10/2016 06:28 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, it seems like everyone in my family knew about my boyfriend's new engagement, all except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 090

You deserved it 931

By Dave B - 25/11/2011 06:59 - Reserved

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 412

You deserved it 2 686

By sad - 05/11/2012 07:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 714

You deserved it 3 457

By Anonymous - 20/08/2019 00:01

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 712

You deserved it 210

By lifeonfire12 - 16/04/2012 01:13 - Canada

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 604

You deserved it 41 963

By confusedbutloved - 08/07/2012 12:42 - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 379

You deserved it 3 875

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

By nasuma - 11/10/2019 20:00

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 274

Mommy's favorite flower

By Ouch - 10/10/2019 02:00 - Serbia

Today, I learned how it feels when you fall off a second floor balcony with mom's flower pot then landing on your back. My mom got pissed because of her beloved flowers, and gave me a lecture while I rolled on the ground in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 243

Humor bypass

By #goodbyelife - 09/12/2014 00:38 - United States

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 995

You deserved it 6 190

Thanks, I guess…

By unsatisfied - 09/03/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 250

You deserved it 4 418

Hyperpoop

By Elongated Muskrat - 17/05/2021 00:01 - France

Today, a friend of mine enthusiastically explained to me how Elon Musk's car-tunnel-thing is supposed to work. I don't know what's worse, the dumbass tunnel or the fact that my friend thinks it's an amazing idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 999

By conductingfromthegrave - 01/07/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 248

You deserved it 4 547

By Chris Chandler - 04/11/2018 15:30

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 314

You deserved it 642

By lagirl - 09/06/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I had a date with this really cute guy. He invited me over to make dinner at his place. Eventually we end up in his bedroom to have sex. He pulls down my panties and says, "You need to shave that shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 324

You deserved it 70 201

By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 05:13 - United States

Today, after a long day, I energetically took off my belt to take my pants off and relax. In doing so, I whipped the belt around in the air, causing it to spin around and slap me right in my tender ballsack. I almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 775

You deserved it 5 768

Pizzzaaaaaaa

By muzikmaler91 - 15/03/2012 09:45 - United States

Today, I called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 512

You deserved it 49 933

Is that even possible?

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 130

You deserved it 412

By Anonymous - 23/09/2011 10:41 - United States

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 258

You deserved it 12 979

By janie - 30/01/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was sexiled. So that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 567

You deserved it 2 391

Basted High School

By RoastedbyNature - 21/05/2017 22:00

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 429

You deserved it 385

By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 908

You deserved it 442

By Noname - 13/03/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my friends and I were drinking boba. On the side of the cup it said "Please drink carefully to avoid choking on the Boba". I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the label, and choked on the boba in a coughing fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 580

You deserved it 68 585

By ash - 14/01/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 093

You deserved it 16 108

By Imaginary girlfriend - 21/09/2009 04:16 - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 677

You deserved it 5 842

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Top comments

FeedMonkeyking 4

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

krushr 3

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

FeedMonkeyking 4

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Headphones never occures to you?

TayonaC 10

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

still just knowing about what they are doing is life altering :( FYL

TayonaC 10

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:10

I mean they. my bad

josephhhhhh 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 3:14

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

josephhhhhh 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 3:16

lol awesome! is ur mom a Milf OP?

vodkaliciouz 4

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Monday 28 February 2011 3:57

exactly my first thought too. at least that what i'd do, blasting music in my earphones while do some stuff that would take my mind off.

ImanAzol 4

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Monday 28 February 2011 4:40

Apparently to her father, yes.

Lennsik 4

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

@44, really man? I don't think any daughter should think about their Mom being a MILF.

alex1432 9

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Monday 28 February 2011 6:04

iPod and weed do wonders

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 7:12

if this girls/guys never smoked... they might freak themselves out in their room by themselves, just a thought

twitch851 9

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Monday 28 February 2011 14:08

dude just play video games while they get their game on. that's what I do when my parents do it. u should b thankful your parents still love each other.

emodude44 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 20:02

Whenever I heard my parents doing it, I turned on my headphones. Or... you could run in during and ask "Hey Mom did you see my... OH MY GOD!" just to ruin the moment

NDiesal10 2

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Thursday 6 October 2011 20:31

Headphones and either a movie, TV, video game, or online videos.

brainsoverbeauty 21

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:53

Wow. At least your parents are doing great. If that's any consolation? On second thought, I'm sorry, I don't think there's any consolation.

J_Bizness 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 2:48

I just wanted to say that you are very cute!

kateeeh 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:10

ok pimp (#40) this is FML....NOT a dating site, so chill

bthomas0319 2

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:12

NICE RACK!

bthomas0319 2

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:14

YOU HAVE A WEDDING RING ON YOUR FINGER!

ZachMitch1994 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 7:22

stfu bieber has no right to talk hahah

C6Racer 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:17

Agreed, 67.

KyleIsSoFine 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 9:41

I agree with 40. 67, you horndog -_- Asdfghjklimsobrd.

hachi8 0

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Tuesday 1 March 2011 16:09

yea, no consolation at all for that one. lls

skate4shekla 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 23:09

Honestly I agree with your first part. Its not nice to have parents that dont like eachother :(

McMan 23

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:54

Images? You planning on watching?! O.o

tigerlily33212 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

haha ikr! creeper!

chippa 24

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Monday 28 February 2011 2:41

"...mental images..."

McMan 23

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:00

I'm pretty sure it said "images" by itself earlier.

McMan 23

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Monday 28 February 2011 5:23

Actually it did, I asked a moderator.

ashtonTS 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 7:58

definitely said mental images retard...

sassypants93 17

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Monday 28 February 2011 23:33

88- Moderators can change the post. You just made a fool of yourself.

bossybella 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:55

Darn... Loud TV, or blast your earphones?

krushr 3

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:56

Steal their lube.

royalt313 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:25

^bahah win

attatood 7

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Monday 28 February 2011 2:43

That would make the screams louder! But really... that's crappy.

mariazzz 5

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Monday 28 February 2011 11:05

LMAO

Hanimon 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 0:57

I feel sorry for ya, but there's lots of ways to prevent yourself from hearing them.

mddaily21 0

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Thursday 24 March 2011 20:14

hey Hannah. what's up

Doortje 29

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:06

Eww. Thanks OP, now I'm having mental images too.

therealdavid 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 11:16

ik! THANKS OP:P

Jagzy 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

Brave the snow!!! It's much safer for your mental well being

ubetrwatchBN 5

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Monday 28 February 2011 6:34

Unfortunately, the mental image is already there. May I suggest a combination of alcohol and a long trek in the snow? Vodka seems appropriate.

Joshua3109 0

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Sunday 17 April 2011 4:04

hey

TayonaC 10

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:13

ugh that's gross, creepy, yet oddly enough also funny. I'm gonna tell my friend that tomorrow! :)

Krystal1029 0

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Monday 28 February 2011 1:14

Play very loud music :) but yeah sucks for yooou!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 36

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 90

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 662

You deserved it 760

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