Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

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Instadrama

Everyone's an expert

You snooze, you lose

By bunkbed - 30/8/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, after losing his job, I reassured my boyfriend by telling him I'd rather be with him living in a cardboard box than to be without him. He responded by telling me he'd rather be dead. FML

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By ughhhh - 3/5/2014 21:10 - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Sapphirlinda - 3/7/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 11:13 - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

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By artmfanforever - 22/9/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2017 20:00

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By full moon - 8/9/2016 02:37 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, it was the first day of school, and I split my pants. In a full class. While on a stage. I'm the teacher, and I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Houston

Watch movies

Today, I hired a babysitter to take care of my newborn. When I came home, she was having sex with her boyfriend in the crib while the baby sat and watched them. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 04:20 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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By Username - 2/10/2019 14:00

Life is a roller coaster

Today, it's my birthday and my mom took me and some friends to an amusement park. Looking for a tampon, I found a phone in my mom's purse that I didn't recognize. Turns out my mom is cheating on my dad. Happy birthday to me, I guess. FML

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By maebyf - 31/8/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By gRRRrr - 1/4/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

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By badbowel - 31/1/2018 13:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I was sick from both ends at work. My boss wouldn't let me go home, and told me to borrow a pair of spare pants to change into. I suffered another bout of gastroenteritis and shit someone else's pants. FML

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By Equi - 12/12/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By Single - 4/12/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By lonleystoner91 - 3/9/2010 08:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By leafscupwin - 16/10/2012 04:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the person that interviewed me for a job was the same person I called a "fat bitch" at a baseball game after she knocked over my drink while she was dancing. She recognized me too. FML

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By y0uw1shy0ukn3wm3 - 9/10/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I was refereeing a kid's soccer game, and noticed that on the field next to me was a referee I hated working with. I told the other referee I was working with that he was the laziest and most dumbass referee I had ever worked with. She then slapped me, and told me that it was her grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2012 13:32 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

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By Confused - 23/10/2016 05:05

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

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By unzucht - 30/5/2012 16:45 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:35 - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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By mariana - 8/2/2014 00:18 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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By LadyAlyxandrea - 14/7/2018 19:00

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

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By Domo731 - 5/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Elsine - 2/10/2018 13:30

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By failure as a parent - 11/5/2013 21:19 - United States - Bound Brook

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

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By Iknowitlooksbad - 22/6/2016 05:16

Today, I learned the hard way not to keep my own cash in my pocket while working as a cashier, when I was forced to give $30 to a scamming customer. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By Sash - 6/4/2012 21:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2015 14:53 - United States - Middleton

Today, I was chased out of my own house by my wife's lover's dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will you be when your laxatives kick in?

Comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7579028 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:08

Gross! I hope your boyfriend's car has leather seats, because the stench would stick to fabric much much longer.

Reply

LeoCor | 18

#7580729 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:52

Who said it was the boyfriend’s? For all we know, she could’ve messed up her own car

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will you be when your laxatives kick in?

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579037 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:18

SHIT! ?

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7579065 - Monday 25 December 2017 19:24

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579090 - Monday 25 December 2017 21:51

On the third day of Christmas my try live gave to me 3 drenched Benz, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi.

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7579223 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:44

On the fourth day of Christmas, but true love gave to me, four adult diapers, three drenched Benz, two turds of doves, and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

AutumnMarie3639 | 18

#7579230 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:52

On the 5th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7579289 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 12:45

On the 6th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 6 leaky sphincters, 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7579134 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:04

Thank someone for leaving the plastic bag.

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579151 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:51

Some soldiers consider being able to do the above without missing a point of pride.

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#7579406 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:41

Would that tunnel happen to be the Eisenhower in Colorado?

By SimplyKate | 7

#7579446 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 22:14

Ok