Health and Transportation: Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

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Mama's boy

Sorry…

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

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By yosenfal - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By katiebug - United States - Topeka

Today, I was trying to get a good night's sleep before the huge exam tomorrow, which I'm extremely anxious about. The SAME night my neighbor below me is having a home birth. It lasted NINE HOURS. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By fuck you right back, cockspit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

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By ouch - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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By Anonymous

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

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By me - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

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By Bigpoppa0507 - Canada

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

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By MBC - United States

Today, after my two credit cards were stolen, thousands were charged before I could cancel. The thief dropped nearly $1,000 at Juicy Couture, so she/he is somewhere laughing at me in a magenta, rhinestoned "leisure suit." FML

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By Jinthebar - United States

Get away from me

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

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By oh_mylanta - United States

Creep

Today, I went to work to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so it was very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By let it go! - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex from high school is married and has kids but still found time to make yet another fake profile to berate me for cheating on him when we were 17. I've already blocked him, moved states, and changed my number twice. We're in our 30s. Fml

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By Anonymous - Canada - Jansen

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

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By Xerfox - Germany - Neckarsulm

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 23:01

Unloveable

Today, I was paired up with a girl in my class for a project. She started crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

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By StayPositive - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By MyEarsHurt - United States - Stockton

Today, my next-door neighbor decided to become a rapper. FML

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By dexter - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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By fappy dog - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

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By FUCKKKS - United States

Today, after a long work shift, I was so tired that I took a nap in my car to avoid driving half-asleep. When I awoke, there was a huge truck in front of me. I thought I'd fallen asleep while driving and was about to die. I only realized it was stationary after I pissed myself. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By Jololol - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

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By pignose

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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By crazymuch - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By AuntSucka - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Georgetown

Make it work

Today, I got my hair cut short, as it hasn’t been cut in well over a year and I was getting sick of dealing with it. I told the hairdresser I would probably look like a boy but she said it would look cute, and that she’d make sure it looks feminine. I loved how it came out, until the kid at CVS asked, “Can I help you sir?” FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

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By cjgreer70 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By thisentiretime... - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By fabs1171 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

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By Dude - Singapore

Today, I found out that the reason I'm working as a kitchen staff instead of out on the floor of the café is because the boss does not think I'm attractive enough. My boss is my brother. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will <b>you</b> be when your laxatives kick in?

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7579028 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:08

Gross! I hope your boyfriend's car has leather seats, because the stench would stick to fabric much much longer.

Reply

LeoCor | 18

#7580729 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:52

Who said it was the boyfriend’s? For all we know, she could’ve messed up her own car

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will <b>you</b> be when your laxatives kick in?

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579037 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:18

SHIT! ?

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7579065 - Monday 25 December 2017 19:24

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579090 - Monday 25 December 2017 21:51

On the third day of Christmas my try live gave to me 3 drenched Benz, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi.

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7579223 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:44

On the fourth day of Christmas, but true love gave to me, four adult diapers, three drenched Benz, two turds of doves, and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

AutumnMarie3639 | 18

#7579230 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:52

On the 5th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7579289 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 12:45

On the 6th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 6 leaky sphincters, 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7579134 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:04

Thank someone for leaving the plastic bag.

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579151 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:51

Some soldiers consider being able to do the above without missing a point of pride.

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#7579406 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:41

Would that tunnel happen to be the Eisenhower in Colorado?

By SimplyKate | 7

#7579446 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 22:14

Ok