Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

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Messed up

Emergency haircut

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By Chriso - Australia

Today, I was finally discharged from hospital after being in there for one month, I arrive home to find a letter from a debt collection agency for my unpaid car insurance premium, and another letter from my car insurer to say that they aren't covering my accident due to non payment of premium. FML

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By Daemon - France

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

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By Not Suicidal - 2/7/2020 05:04

Down the rabbit hole of assumptions

Today, a lady talking about the Bible came to my house. She looked at me and said I wouldn't need to cut myself if I had God in my life. Mom heard and did a thorough investigation of my body for scars. I had to bathe my rabbit last night, and he scratched me. They were from him. FML

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By tickyette - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By ljcxo17 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By notnow - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By ashamed - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By Stellarum - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naples

Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By APoorGuy - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I found $20 on the ground. I'm so broke, this is the first time in 3 months that I've had any disposable income. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By ej6901 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

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By MistressSuzuka - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

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By snowbum69 - United States - Meridian

Today, I went skiing with a girl I like. On the lift I asked her out. She said no. Halfway up the lift stopped. We were stuck up there for nearly an hour. FML

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By swarm20 - United States - Mankato

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

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By grossed out - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML

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By Fuzzy - Australia

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

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By dadum - Australia

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML

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By StromyG2 - United States

Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Reliena - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

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By misswhiskers - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By Brianna Weltmire - United States - Denver

Today, my mom tagged me in a picture on Facebook. It's a very zoomed in picture of a zit that had just recently erupted on my face. The caption is "My baby's biggest zit yet!" FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Neunkirchen

Today, I returned to Germany for a break from my studies abroad. I got lost while out for groceries, so I tried asking a guy for directions. I went totally blank and strained to think of the right words, prompting him to mutter about rude foreigners not bothering to learn the local language. FML

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By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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By boreed - United States

Today, I finally got an unsightly mole on my face removed. While I was shaving. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Foam Lake

We need to talk

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

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By Masey - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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By single once again - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By 43_clothespins_later - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will you be when your laxatives kick in?

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7579028 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:08

Gross! I hope your boyfriend's car has leather seats, because the stench would stick to fabric much much longer.

Reply

LeoCor | 18

#7580729 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:52

Who said it was the boyfriend’s? For all we know, she could’ve messed up her own car

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will you be when your laxatives kick in?

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579037 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:18

SHIT! ?

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7579065 - Monday 25 December 2017 19:24

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579090 - Monday 25 December 2017 21:51

On the third day of Christmas my try live gave to me 3 drenched Benz, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi.

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7579223 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:44

On the fourth day of Christmas, but true love gave to me, four adult diapers, three drenched Benz, two turds of doves, and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

AutumnMarie3639 | 18

#7579230 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:52

On the 5th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7579289 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 12:45

On the 6th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 6 leaky sphincters, 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7579134 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:04

Thank someone for leaving the plastic bag.

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579151 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:51

Some soldiers consider being able to do the above without missing a point of pride.

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#7579406 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:41

Would that tunnel happen to be the Eisenhower in Colorado?

By SimplyKate | 7

#7579446 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 22:14

Ok