Health and Transportation: Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

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Dangling modifier

Gas giant

Workaholic

By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By wetqueefa - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

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By Santa - United States - Cocoa

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

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By ADH2000 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By TiredMom - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

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By OpenSesame - 9/5/2020 05:00

Portal

Today, at Walmart, I unknowingly chose the only non-automatic door to exit through. I stood in front of the door looking for the motion sensor while the greeters laughed at me for at least half a minute before I saw the "PUSH" sticker. FML

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By oprahahaha - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

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By ticketed

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nuneaton

Today, after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I unknowingly washed my laundry using his washing tabs. My whole wardrobe now smells like my ex. FML

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

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By sad45 - Canada

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

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By Korisite - United States

Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missoula

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

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By supercharged - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I came back from a week-long vacation where I had no internet whatsoever. I turned on my phone to get notifications, hoping to see a message or two that I'd missed while gone. There was 1 notification, telling me how many FMLs were posted while I was away. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:04

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

Today, my friend is acting like a martyr over not wanting to get a job and guilt tripping me for having one. I mean, I hate my job but I also like my ability to pay bills, unlike some apparently. FML

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By thankspops - United States

Today, I found out that the $200 a week I was paying my dad for my car insurance and payment, wasn't actually paying my insurance and car payment. How did I find out he wasn't paying? Repo man took my car. FML

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By myfavoritesgouda - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

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By marshmallowssss - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 02:04

Party animal

Today, my husband woke up, tried walking to the bathroom, fell down, got back up and started peeing on the carpet. I’ve never seen him this drunk before. FML

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By meggs2209 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By dirtytoes - United States - Houston

Today, I found a diaper in the parking lot. It's been raining all morning. This was the wrong day to wear flip-flops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By BaMiTsAnYa - United States - Orlando

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

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By -_-" - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

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By BLEACH Gum

Great Success

Today, I decided to finally bleach my teeth. After 45 minutes of stinging pain, my teeth are still yellow as ever. My gums, on the other hand, are opaque white. FML

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By BornInTheWrongEra - United States

Today, my neighbours came to yell at me as they could hear my "shit music" through my window during the afternoon, so I turned it off. They then began to play their definition of "quality music" into the late hours of the night. I was listening to the Beatles. They blasted Nicki Minaj. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

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By ditched - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother yet again went on a long rant about how much of a loser I am as I have "never had boyfriend" and I'm 26. Truth is, I've been in the same relationship for over five years but it "doesn't count because he's black." FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

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By furious parent

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

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By curseyousuperman - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

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By Sarahfizzeller - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

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By acab93 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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Top comments

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will <b>you</b> be when your laxatives kick in?

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7579028 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:08

Gross! I hope your boyfriend's car has leather seats, because the stench would stick to fabric much much longer.

Reply

LeoCor | 18

#7580729 - Saturday 30 December 2017 10:52

Who said it was the boyfriend’s? For all we know, she could’ve messed up her own car

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7579031 - Monday 25 December 2017 15:22

Where will <b>you</b> be when your laxatives kick in?

By Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579037 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:18

SHIT! ?

By exileonmainst | 16

#7579038 - Monday 25 December 2017 16:28

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7579065 - Monday 25 December 2017 19:24

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Shabnam Moghal | 14

#7579090 - Monday 25 December 2017 21:51

On the third day of Christmas my try live gave to me 3 drenched Benz, two turds of doves and some shit in a Mitsubishi.

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#7579223 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:44

On the fourth day of Christmas, but true love gave to me, four adult diapers, three drenched Benz, two turds of doves, and some shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

AutumnMarie3639 | 18

#7579230 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 6:52

On the 5th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

Reply

Dave_Davington | 33

#7579289 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 12:45

On the 6th day of Christmas my True love gave to me.. 6 leaky sphincters, 5 Grocery Bags! 4 Adult Diapers, 3 Drenched Benz, 2 Tires of Dove and shit in a Mitsubishi!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7579134 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:04

Thank someone for leaving the plastic bag.

By thejimhawkins | 13

#7579151 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 0:51

Some soldiers consider being able to do the above without missing a point of pride.

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#7579406 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:41

Would that tunnel happen to be the Eisenhower in Colorado?

By SimplyKate | 7

#7579446 - Tuesday 26 December 2017 22:14

Ok