By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 02:00

Jot that down

Today, I wrote my phone number on a Post-it note and gave it to a cute girl at work. She immediately threw it away. In front of me. FML

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Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Trip Advisor says no

By HereToLaughAtU - 18/11/2014 04:16 - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - 16/10/2013 00:38 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - 6/12/2016 04:46 - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

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By beforegirl - 8/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By maddiebauer - 26/7/2012 14:48 - United States - Plainfield

Today, my mom once again commented on how I need to work out. It has come to the point that I now walk around in exercise clothes and have a bottle of water/fake sweat to put on, just so she thinks I work out. This is how lazy I am. FML

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By bubbles - 5/9/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

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By hopeless - 3/10/2014 21:13 - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

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By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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By wtf - 26/8/2012 05:03 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

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By hi - 1/3/2009 20:29 - United States

Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML

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By XxFA1LxX - 22/7/2012 13:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my neighbors bought a signal scrambler to stop their kids from going on the internet at night. Too bad it blocks my internet too. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 21:59 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

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By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By Sarah - 26/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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By whywasitthere - 19/4/2017 09:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

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By adad - 1/2/2010 14:34 - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

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By Gassy - 14/12/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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By chloeleigholivia - 10/1/2016 19:55 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

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By pissedinSwiss - 17/7/2009 15:01 - Switzerland

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

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By singleladynow - 20/1/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/3/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

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By EnglandRocks - 12/3/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2019 16:00

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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By pop, pop - 8/5/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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By canadiansun - 26/2/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By jmrz - 7/3/2013 11:51 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 03:53 - United States

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

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By angryinlaws - 12/10/2013 07:23 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after almost 2 days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

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By Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard - 6/8/2013 21:55 - United States

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

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By iliketurtles - 24/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

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By TDCC - 17/4/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By lionhead14 - 20/5/2011 19:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By PissNTra - 19/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

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By WellFineThen - 17/4/2017 05:00 - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By Ottawa - 12/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7902040 - Thursday 30 April 2020 2:48

Did you assume she wanted it? Or do you even know if she wants you? If it's the first one YDI.

By Brightside86 | 19

#7902059 - Thursday 30 April 2020 7:59

You lucked out. I thought she was going to report you to HR.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7902040 - Thursday 30 April 2020 2:48

Did you assume she wanted it? Or do you even know if she wants you? If it's the first one YDI.

tounces7 | 27

#7902348 - Friday 1 May 2020 5:40

That's kinda one of the ways you find out if someone is interested in you. Albeit a bit of a cowardly one that generally gets rejected.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7902041 - Thursday 30 April 2020 2:59

Props for trying. That’s better than most of the losers on fml.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7902049 - Thursday 30 April 2020 4:52

At least you know not to sit around and wait for her call.

Or, you can hope she committed your number to memory on sight.

By Brightside86 | 19

#7902059 - Thursday 30 April 2020 7:59

You lucked out. I thought she was going to report you to HR.

By PryderPlayer017 | 5

#7902266 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:07

Mission failed! We'll get'm next time!

By spinspinsugar | 9

#7902267 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:08

damn that sucks. well at least you know the answer to that.

By Katy Elizabeth Deppe | 5

#7902272 - Thursday 30 April 2020 20:19

at least she's honest by throwing it away in front of you

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7902288 - Thursday 30 April 2020 21:33

you tried. keep that same energy, but plan your shots better

By Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 13

#7902295 - Thursday 30 April 2020 22:33

Did you even talk to her? Or just awkwardly slip her the post it.
YDI

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7902307 - Friday 1 May 2020 0:22

You don't want to date people you work with.