Dating Struggles

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Deep-seated resentment

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - 7/9/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

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Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

By daddyowl - 25/5/2012 04:32 - Canada - Montreal

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Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML

By Jem - 11/1/2015 03:02 - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

By sleepy - 1/7/2019 02:10

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Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

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Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2pm, screaming out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML

By nicetomeetyou2 - 25/9/2013 16:35 - Canada - Nepean

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Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

By misunderstood - 5/9/2010 10:56 - Australia

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Today, at a talent show, my band got booed before we even started playing. FML

By disembob - 3/12/2012 02:26 - United Kingdom

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Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

By KittyNeko - 28/12/2010 06:26 - United States

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Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

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Today, a man yelled at me for what seemed like an eternity when I told him his child wasn't tall enough to ride a roller coaster. His daughter was about 3 years-old. The coaster is the second tallest in the world. I deal with morons like this every day, at minimum wage. FML

By CP slave - 11/9/2019 06:02 - United States

Entitled

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100

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

By AwesomePGnarles - 13/2/2009 08:17 - United States

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Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

By kise - 28/11/2012 06:20 - France - Paris

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Today, it's my birthday. My husband hasn't slept with me in months. I am so humiliated every time I try to be intimate with him because I am only ever turned down. Tonight, he rubbed my leg and got mad when I fixed myself so I wouldn't be turned on. Apparently tonight was the night but I moved and ruined it. FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Great Barrington

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Today, I decided to cut class with one of my friends and we ended up going to Burger King. As we sat down at the table, I heard my name being called. My mum was getting lunch through the drive thru with my little brother and saw my car parked out front. FML

By Anonymous - 29/1/2010 19:58 - United Kingdom

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Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

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Today, my co-worker received a $1,000 bonus for a project that I do all the work on. My direct supervisor thought that I was an assistant. I send him an e-mail copy of the project every week, and have done so for the past six months. I was later reprimanded for not congratulating my co-worker. FML

By moderndante - 11/9/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Hey, where's my bonus?!

1901

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

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490

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

By Anonymous - 31/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Hurricane

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

By alexis89 - 26/5/2009 16:53 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

By Leenotgay - 25/9/2011 04:23 - United States

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Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

By jewel87 - 12/3/2010 16:39 - United States

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Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

By jhftrainer23 - 5/8/2011 14:42 - United States

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Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:52 - United States - Westerville

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Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

By anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

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Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

By j.b. - 2/12/2009 05:57 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

By worried - 1/4/2010 08:28 - Ireland

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Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

By hannahisacooler - 16/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Chino Hills

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Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

By aru9 - 12/9/2011 19:25 - United States

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Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

By badsinger - 4/6/2010 09:38 - New Zealand

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Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

By missy - 16/6/2011 02:42 - United States

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Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

By badcook - 24/9/2009 19:10 - United States

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Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

By kk- - 17/6/2019 17:05

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Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

By bigdaddy - 25/9/2009 15:01 - United States

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Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

By uwbeautyqueen12 - 1/3/2010 19:15 - United States

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Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 16:24 - United States

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Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Not so anal retentive then…

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Today, after being a stay-at-home mom and picking up after my kids for the past 15 years, I got a job rejection letter saying I wasn't qualified. It was a housekeeping position. FML

By HousekeeperNoMore - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

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Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

By not eyelid - 20/9/2016 19:53 - Spain - Manresa

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Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

By howaboutthemcarrots - 14/4/2015 15:08 - Finland - Laajalahti

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