Love: Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 311

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 126

01/11/2012 04:24

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 509

You deserved it 11 890

Coherence dude, do you have it?

This Charming Man

Bushy

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237

You deserved it 287

Ungeeked

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 04:01

Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 259

You deserved it 1 441

23/04/2011 15:20

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 583

You deserved it 24 753

Time for a change

By leogs23 - 15/11/2020 10:58

Today, I was in bed with my girlfriend and she asked to see my phone to check my Snapchat to see what was in there. After she was done with it, she start looking into her phone to see her memories and started crying over her ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 97

23/07/2014 04:09

Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 984

You deserved it 7 336

19/06/2015 19:51

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 2 439

27/12/2009 04:44

Today, I gave my boyfriend a box of chocolates as a present. A few hours later, he texted me saying that the box of chocolates contained nuts. He's allergic to nuts and his mother now thinks I'm trying to kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 570

You deserved it 11 772

03/02/2016 13:33

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 423

You deserved it 1 624

30/01/2014 12:34

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 465

You deserved it 6 851

09/11/2009 04:13

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 526

You deserved it 2 895

04/07/2009 08:58

Spicy

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 934

You deserved it 13 672

03/10/2013 22:46

Spicy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 085

You deserved it 32 357

03/09/2015 23:31

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 069

You deserved it 7 332

31/07/2009 05:25

Today, at work, I fell asleep. This is how I discovered that when I'm sleeping, and am scared awake by my boss with an air horn, I yelp louder than a terrier and piss my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 725

You deserved it 49 221

11/05/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 628

You deserved it 318

01/08/2013 06:21

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 368

You deserved it 11 833

04/11/2012 17:12

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 669

You deserved it 13 533

20/02/2017 06:00

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 893

You deserved it 1 710

07/08/2018 13:00

Today, it's the third day I've been at home recuperating from ear surgery. My surgery was on the same day my neighbor started renovating. There's been hours of jack-hammering every day I've been home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 603

You deserved it 117

That's a funny word, mom

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 22:59

Today, I wanted to teach my students about history with dominoes. I thought the online video would be wholesome or relevant to history. Nope. The last domino was captioned "HENTAI." Students now get to explain to their parents that I exposed the word Hentai to their vocabulary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 807

14/12/2010 11:52

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 383

You deserved it 6 197

16/04/2016 05:14

Today, I had the longest, bloodiest, bloody nose ever when I was at work. I got blood on a few materials as I was running to the restroom. I work in a food factory, so everything had to be sanitized and thrown out. Now management wants me to pay for everything we had to throw out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 622

You deserved it 1 969

30/07/2013 16:42

Today, I was pretending to be a ballerina. I was dancing around my room, making a complete dick of myself. I eventually caught sight of a pair of guys grinning and filming me with their cellphones through my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 562

You deserved it 14 133

Unfair

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 04:01

Today, I had to do a presentation. No one else in my group showed up, so I had to do it alone. I was given a failing grade for presenting by myself, and therefore not being a "team player". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 50

25/06/2015 18:29

Today, I was notified I'm being discharged after 2 weeks because my employers don't have the time to train me at my first real job in 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 018

You deserved it 1 943

17/08/2011 09:14

Spicy

Today, my roommate told me that unscented deodorant prevents ingrown hairs on the bikini line. She shared this beauty tip with me when I caught her using my Lady Speed Stick on her snatch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 421

You deserved it 3 010

03/02/2016 15:06

Today, after a badly misjudged hand signal, I accidentally hit my boss in the face instead of high-fiving her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 170

You deserved it 3 137

29/11/2012 04:33

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 277

You deserved it 8 930

24/10/2012 05:15

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 124

You deserved it 2 834

Waxing pubical

By Anonymous - 10/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was waxing my legs and somehow dropped an enormous dollop of hot wax on my naked crotch. I refused to yank it off, but still had to cut it off with scissors. So now I have a huge patch of pubic hair way shorter than the rest of it. It looks a right mess FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 927

06/12/2008 07:51

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 686

You deserved it 4 123

23/11/2013 10:32

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 614

You deserved it 5 937

They targeted gamers!

By Merry F-ing birthmas - 20/12/2020 11:01

Today, as he has all day for the last 3 days, my husband has been playing Cyberpunk 2077. However, it's my birthday. When I mentioned this fact, I was told to just walk the 4 miles to the store and buy a cake, "if it matters so much." I have celiac and he spent our grocery money on the game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 321

30/10/2011 01:31

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 887

You deserved it 33 956

Humor bypass

By #goodbyelife - 09/12/2014 00:38

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 991

You deserved it 6 187

And I oop

By not drunk - 21/07/2020 08:01

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 223

23/07/2014 03:36

Today, I went to a bookstore to get "The Grapes of Wrath". I have a problem with controlling the volume of my voice, so once at the counter, I accidentally said quite loudly, "WHERE ARE THE ANGRY GRAPES?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 211

You deserved it 13 385

10/06/2009 17:37

Today, I was doing the laundry, but couldn't tell if one basket contained dirty clothes or clean clothes. I put my head down into the basket and took a whiff to check, and smelled something strong. I looked down and noticed I had shoved my nose into my mother's dirty panties and inhaled deeply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 165

You deserved it 60 847

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 31/05/2020 20:00

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 102

Overreaction

By sadie - 01/04/2021 23:00

Today, my mom yelled at me in the store so loudly and for so long, a crowd began to form. The reason? I didn’t know how much milk we had left at home. I don’t drink milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 081

You deserved it 53

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Top comments

sirpantselot 22

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:11

The guy's probably awake half the night wondering why you gave him a blank page. You're inside his head now!

CptZoe 10

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:12

Track him down at a summer camp and put the pieces together. They will fit perfectly and you will live happily ever after.

Comments

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:09

Oh well i guess you'll just have to repeat the entire process, except this time, remember to check the paper you're giving :)

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Thursday 1 November 2012 12:54

...but here's some paper, so call me maybe?

WritingWrongs 8

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Thursday 1 November 2012 13:12

I'd love to see the look on his face though... >:O

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Thursday 1 November 2012 13:30

"Does this mean you have an unlisted number?"

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Thursday 1 November 2012 14:23

It happens don't sweat it

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Thursday 1 November 2012 14:30

Don't let it tear you up OP.

StalkerChick 13

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Thursday 1 November 2012 16:08

This is FML. There are no happy endings here... He probably would've thrown her number away.

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Friday 2 November 2012 15:03

I just moderated a guys FML that said he got a blank piece of paper from a girl he liked and he thought it was the girls number. Hahahahaha

JTthePurpleNinja 5

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:11

Simple mistake I guess, better luck next time :)

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Thursday 1 November 2012 12:37

I feel like this could've been avoided if OP had just folded the whole piece of paper and given it to him.

sirpantselot 22

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:11

The guy's probably awake half the night wondering why you gave him a blank page. You're inside his head now!

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Thursday 1 November 2012 13:31

So does this mean she did it right?

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Thursday 1 November 2012 16:32

Only if they meet again!!!:p

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:11

And he didn't realize when you handed it to him?... Clueless bastard.

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Thursday 1 November 2012 14:33

Your picture... Oh god what is that?

MormonPornstar 7

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Thursday 1 November 2012 15:25

It's a gerbil.

CptZoe 10

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:12

Track him down at a summer camp and put the pieces together. They will fit perfectly and you will live happily ever after.

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Thursday 1 November 2012 21:09

Haha

soullessgingers 0

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:14

Ah well, at least you know you have the courage now. Better luck next time!

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:16

Poor guy is going to be spending hours with lemon juice trying to unlock your invisible number.

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Thursday 1 November 2012 13:28

You mean a toaster?

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Thursday 1 November 2012 13:35

Both

MissEmma_fml 22

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:17

Good job he's not Taylor Swift or there'd be ANOTHER album coming out.

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Friday 2 November 2012 1:35

He-ee! Gave me, gave me, gave me a blank piece of paper...

perdix 29

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:18

So, instead of thinking that he's someone you'd like to date, he now realizes that you consider him as your litter basket.

Drigr 9

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Thursday 1 November 2012 12:07

Do you just already know half yor comments fail? I notice you usually post a couple per fml

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Thursday 1 November 2012 12:57

18- the same reason animals almost never have just one offspring at a time, some are bound to fail.

Starv 6

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Friday 2 November 2012 6:55

I see what 9 is saying. Even though the girl feels bad, how would you feel when instead of getting a number all you get is a white piece of paper. Most people would perceive this as a mean joke. Thus I feel more sorry for the guy.

Tezoma 28

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Thursday 1 November 2012 11:37

Everyone draws a blank occasionally, OP. No need to beat yourself up over a silly mistake, OP.

Starv 6

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Friday 2 November 2012 7:00

When I read you post, I directly thought you where a female. Why? Because who ever this guy is, this ain't cool! A guy starts dancing with you, then after a kiss or something like that, he has to go. What does he do? He 'writes down his number' but when you look later, you find out you didn't get any number. Wouldn't that ruin your ego for.a while?