Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from... - FML

By raerae - Germany

Today, I received my camera in the mail that my mom sent from home since I forgot it when I moved to Italy. It was wrapped in 4 layers of bubble wrap and packed in foam peanuts to keep it from getting broken. As I was removing the last layer of bubble wrap I dropped it, breaking the screen. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Ghosted

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By Anonymous - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By meranda_johnson - United States

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

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By cloud7

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By Tabeling101

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

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By Ashe - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

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By AussieG75 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By merchgirl - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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By mortified - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the park with my friend and we decided to swing. While we were swinging, we decided to jump off backwards. All would have worked out fine if my pants hadn't gotten caught on the metal of the swing, leaving my bare butt exposed. The man who was in the park with his daughter left. FML

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By CANTTAKEMORE - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

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By Collin - United States

Today, I was at a public pool. A very fat kid yelled, "Cannon Ball!" He jumped right on me. FML

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By lavenderpiss - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 11:01

Pull!

Today, my tie-rod snapped, forcing me into a parked car. The wheel literally flew off my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By Mixta - France - Roubaix

Today, my best friend showed me his New Year's Eve photos. Girls everywhere, booze flowing all over the place and all my friends were there. They still haven't realised that they didn't invite me. We've been friends for seven years. FML

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By really? - 28/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Kids

Today, I noticed my daughter’s sullen mood and asked if there was anything I could do to help. With tears in her eyes, she snapped, “Yeah, you can go back in time and keep that appointment you’d made at planned parenthood!” I never had such an appointment and her older brother is a mean asshole. FML

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By Henry

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was stuck in what I thought was traffic on my way home from work. I started weaving in and out of traffic because it seemed to only be a few cars holding up the line. I get to the front of the line and I'd realized I just weaved through a funeral procession. FML

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By sadsadlady - Canada

Today, I told my husband that while he was away I had had a miscarriage. His response? "If you can't take care of our baby while it is still inside you, how can I trust you to take care of it when it comes out?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

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By DisgustingCreatures - United States - Houston

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

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By colts609380 - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

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By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

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By doggylove - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By zbaby - United States

Today, a little girl at work was coloring a picture that said "Best Dad" on it. Wanting to be nice I asked her if she was making it for her dad for father's day. She looked at me with a sad face and said, "I don't have a dad..." FML

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By waterdog - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By "Sonofaquiche"

No Ragerts

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By knuckleheadknock

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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Top comments

By TooMuchXbox | 0

#139407 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:29

Good effing job. That's why I try to make sure I unwrap things like that over my bed.

By SilentHarmony | 0

#139389 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:25

Sounds like something I would do

COMMENTS

By bienfait_nn | 0

#139336 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:18

What an idiot

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#832440 - Sunday 7 February 2010 6:45

smooth move idiot XD

Reply

Straka | 0

#940076 - Friday 12 March 2010 21:16

dumbass

Reply

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2223760 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 16:37

stupid shit

By Xephik | 1

#139377 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:18

First and YDI

By hahaha6 | 0

#139379 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:21

Definately not the most graceful are we?
Don't worry, i'm not either.

By MaramaBreaksFace | 0

#139387 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:20

Klutz lol.

By SilentHarmony | 0

#139389 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:25

Sounds like something I would do

By urlifesuxdix | 0

#139392 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:24

you clumsy fucker

By fueledbyamy | 0

#139397 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:25

oh, that sucks :(

By TooMuchXbox | 0

#139407 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:29

Good effing job. That's why I try to make sure I unwrap things like that over my bed.

Reply

Toolishing | 22

#6474208 - Monday 30 November 2015 16:24

*Proceeds to drop it on bed, bounces off and cracks*
Well shit

By rukusrazor | 0

#139429 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:37

You were just standing over like a slate floor, unwrapping a wad of bubble wrap? These things are best done at a table or on the ground.

By Fields4mint | 0

#139438 - Friday 24 April 2009 16:41

I don't think that's a YDI... that really sucks... but next time you'll open it around something soft, I'm sure, like on your bed.