Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at...

By Wasthistheplace - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at a convenience store. He didn't show up, because the location was "inconvenient." FML

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Proactive

Sick board!

Impatience

By Anonymous

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML

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By mommyopps - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By uppiskalle - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

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By ManInPain - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

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By Kelly - 23/7/2020 02:01

Polly wants it

Today, at work, I booked a vet appointment for an African Gray to get a birth control implant. I didn’t even know that was a thing and I definitely never thought that a parrot would have a more active sex life than me. FML

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1297

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By serveandprotectyeahright - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

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By red - United States - Portland

Today, my ex dropped by to pick up a piece of art he'd left when I threw him out a month ago. While here, he visited the restroom. Tonight, my shampoo smelled like urine. And he called at 11pm to say he'd ''rubbed one out'' on my new boyfriend's toothbrush. FML

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24986

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By Britishboy1991

Pay up

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By dpap - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 00:01 - Australia

You tried

Today, my colleague was wearing a beautiful dress. I decided that I had to go over and compliment her. As I walked over, my coffee cup flew out of my hand and onto said dress. She had to go home and change, and my boss had to cover for her. FML

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By thatssickkk - United States

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

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27391

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By runandmope - United States

Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was "ok." He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was - for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML

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29757

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By aussie worker

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

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3358

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By no that does not help - United States - Austin

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

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43481

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By unbirthday - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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39968

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

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By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By Lamediseased - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By scaredofbozo

Today, I woke up screaming after a nightmare about clowns, which wouldn't be too bad if I hadn't been surrounded by coworkers. FML

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15432

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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39212

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By youlyingjerk - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

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28470

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By checkup - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

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43106

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 18:02 - Philippines - Quezon City

Happy Birthday baby!

Today, it's my birthday. My parents wished me a happy one via text message. We live in the same house. FML

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By oaksac191 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 23:02

FEED ME

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

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789

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By Natasha - 20/2/2021 21:30

Revenge

Today, because I wouldn’t let my little sister have any more cookies, she snuck into my room while I was sleeping and superglued my lips together. FML

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By cllutz - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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41646

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By Adil Ilahi - United Kingdom - Keighley

Trawling

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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3779

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By Amaaaaaaaaaanda - 17/2/2021 00:30

The Based Family

Today, my temporarily unemployed husband had a brain wave. I'm five months pregnant and we have a 4-year-old. He thinks we should start a family vlog on YouTube, so we can get rich. I hate those awful family vlogs with a passion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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By epicgamer - United States - Fremont

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

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13972

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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By ... - Canada - Whitby

Today, I called my mobile phone provider to end my contract. A sales rep spent over half an hour trying to convince me to reconsider, and I kept refusing. I ended up breaking down and accepting a "more economical" contract, which I didn't notice costs almost twice as much as the last one. FML

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Top comments

By SomeRandomUser | 19

#7816706 - Sunday 30 June 2019 0:13

Now, that's irony.

By Sarah_360767614 | 8

#7816778 - Sunday 30 June 2019 8:08

Okay, but the irony though

COMMENTS

By SomeRandomUser | 19

#7816706 - Sunday 30 June 2019 0:13

Now, that's irony.

MamaChey | 22

#7816718 - Sunday 30 June 2019 1:41

Finally! Someone who understands the definition of the word!

By Sarah_360767614 | 8

#7816778 - Sunday 30 June 2019 8:08

Okay, but the irony though

By jzisgoat | 3

#7817272 - Monday 1 July 2019 21:22

He may not be a father figure, but he nailed the dad joke of the century right there.