Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while... - FML

By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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It's the thought that counts

Cake is everything

Not gonna happen

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By yarhyun1 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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By no - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

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By jkbeynon - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I told my mom that I heard something, and I think we have rats in the attic and should hire an exterminator. She looked at me and said, "Rats, huh? That's what the mom in The Exorcist thought, but it turned out to be the devil living up there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

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By lovehurts - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I sliced my arm open on the weekend, patched it with a fabric bandaid. Had an allergic reaction to the bandaid, arm now swollen, blistering and keeping-me-awake itchy. Pharmacist's advice? "Oooh, that looks bad. Better put a bandaid on that." FML

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By littlespoon - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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By buymeflavoredlube

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

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By Alyce - 9/10/2020 08:10 - United States - Lewistown

Never flip flop and drive

Today, I was supposed to deliver my S/O's keys to the garage, where he got his car fixed after a minor accident. I pulled out of my alley, only to have my flip flop catch on my accelerator, causing me to hit another car passing by. FML

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By Soon2beexhr

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

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By yummy - United States

Terminology

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tustin

Today, my smartphone addiction reached a new level of pathetic when I checked my weather app to see if it was cloudy outside. There was a window right behind me. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, I had my first real meeting with my girlfriend's parents. We had dinner at a pretty upscale restaurant and everything was going great. When the check came, I offered to pay and I stood up to take out my wallet. When I opened it, 3 condoms fell out on the table in front of them. FML

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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By ccgundum - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By oh my soul

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

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By R - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

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By creepyyy - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By Person15 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By TearfulDaughter - United States

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 11:01

Honest mistake

Today, my girl and I with got caught having sex in the car by cops. They thought we were smoking bongs because the windows were foggy. FML

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By Jonny - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By myasshurts - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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By Nykole McAllister - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML

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By wahwah - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By jezebel - United States

Today, I got a call from the office telling me I was fired. When I asked why, my boss explained my mother called and told him I was in a "weak mental state." She thought she was helping me get off for my birthday. Now I have no job. FML

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By search_me - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

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By alliobamy - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By awkwardd - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

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By ultraattitude - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Bug8Frog - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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By sixsix - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

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Top comments

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

COMMENTS

By skip_m | 6

#5364096 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Yeah, but he could be your love doctor.

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

Reply

androiddestroya | 7

#5364166 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:42

If bad goes to worse, at least she'll still have each other.

By obnum | 19

#5364107 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

Quite the awkward moment.

By ProjectN69 | 12

#5364109 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

At least now you'll have something to talk to your therapist about!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5364113 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

Not elated in the slightest, hence the FML.

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#5364389 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 4:28

^ Buzz Killington up in here

Reply

ProjectN69 | 12

#5364498 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:43

Haha give andyyroxx a break. I changed my comment after he replied.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364114 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5364182 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:54

Is that how you & Mrs. Bastard met, Doc? :)

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5364190 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:00

Shush, you.

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5364457 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:14

Hehe its ok Doc. You meet the nicest people in therapy :-) and im sure mrs. Bastard is a lovely lady. FMLers dont judge. Wait.... thats why we are all here o_O...

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#5364536 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 6:29

Yeah, we're pretty much all judgmental pricks. Welcome to life?

Reply

dalink | 24

#5366267 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:39

That's a pretty effed up fracture.

By jrod9327 | 17

#5364117 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I always give my number to the person so I don't have to worry about wondering if they are interested enough to talk or not. It also helps with not needing to carry paper or pen. And I may not get an answer from the author but did he not have a cell phone to put the number in?

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#5364197 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:03

Yeah, I tend to put my number in their phone for them or tell them it as they put it in. It's so easy to lose the pieces of paper.

Reply

jrod9327 | 17

#5365343 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 20:50

Or the worst is when you forget and throw your pants in the wash. Before I had my first cell phone, I did that a lot.

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5364118 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I guess you have a whole story to tell your therapist now.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5364121 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:21

Hey we all are a little crazy in are own right. If someone can't deal with it they might be in for a long lonely life of thinking they are perfect. Kind of ironic.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5364265 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:51

*our

Reply

panicsdisaster | 17

#5364462 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:20

Touche

Reply

lolmandi | 9

#5364613 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 7:40

I think I'm going to need therapy after seeing # 12's profile picture.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364125 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:22

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.