Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while... - FML

By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/2/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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Nice neighborhood

British Broadcasting Corporation

Night terrors

By Kid Lacef - 31/10/2018 15:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend for a kiss, and in response, she suggested that we settle for a hand hug. FML

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By wantsleep - 28/12/2016 08:25

Today, my boss continues to think it's appropriate to send me whining texts about work at midnight. Or 4 a.m. I think his complaints about not selling as much candy as he expected can wait till work hours. FML

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By a - 29/3/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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By crazyjohnny - 1/6/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner - 26/9/2018 05:00

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By desertboi69 - 16/3/2019 16:00 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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By powerless - 14/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, a soccer ball hit my car while I was going 75 mph on the freeway during my drive home. I still don't know how to explain it. FML

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By SickSmick - 9/2/2010 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

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By laxie - 27/10/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By benjo - 6/8/2013 18:07 - United States

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

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By Maxie-Nathanial - 23/5/2010 09:10 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

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By justletitbeover - 28/5/2011 12:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

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By Alisha-_- - 23/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that the love of my life had been pleasuring himself to pictures of my ex-boyfriends. Yes, he's bisexual. He says it's ok because I'm dating him now. Great. FML

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By Upset - 10/6/2013 23:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw out my old voicemail recorder, thinking it was junk. My father passed away years ago. I kept a recording of the last voicemail he'd left me on it so I'd always remember his voice. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2013 11:13 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

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By wtfmama - 4/5/2013 12:51 - United States - Hudson

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

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By davincourt - 29/4/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

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By smart phone mms - 7/12/2009 06:36 - United States

Today, I got a new smart phone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 23:14 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By anonymous - 6/6/2013 04:14 - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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By ihatekids - 14/7/2016 20:43

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

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By Marteeny - 9/6/2016 03:14

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

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By dumbfounded - 8/5/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By LemonLearn - 6/10/2016 20:59 - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By mala_19 - 18/3/2020 20:14 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By Pissedoff777 - 12/8/2011 05:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML

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By Killmenow - 11/2/2009 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

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By WaxOnWaxOff - 6/9/2012 21:50 - United States - Denver

Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML

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By embarrassed much - 27/2/2016 03:14 - United States - Orlando

Today, I was talking to my new boss while on speakerphone. Then, my sister yelled for me, asking me to check whether she had a yeast infection or not. FML

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By fetch boy.. - 5/8/2013 05:28 - United States - Bellmore

Today, my boyfriend's parents found out we had a sleepover while they were on vacation. His dog had retrieved the underwear I had unknowingly left and brought them to his mom. FML

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By Colin - 24/12/2008 05:56 - France

Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML

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By bianca131 - 10/11/2015 03:42 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By grlks - 19/2/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

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By Queenbee26 - 23/11/2017 21:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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By sad face - 24/11/2012 11:54 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By someonevexed - 1/2/2009 19:01 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

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By cactii - 16/2/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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Top comments

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

COMMENTS

By skip_m | 6

#5364096 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Yeah, but he could be your love doctor.

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

Reply

androiddestroya | 7

#5364166 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:42

If bad goes to worse, at least she'll still have each other.

By obnum | 19

#5364107 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

Quite the awkward moment.

By ProjectN69 | 12

#5364109 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

At least now you'll have something to talk to your therapist about!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5364113 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

Not elated in the slightest, hence the FML.

Reply

silvercamaro | 21

#5364389 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 4:28

^ Buzz Killington up in here

Reply

ProjectN69 | 12

#5364498 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:43

Haha give andyyroxx a break. I changed my comment after he replied.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364114 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5364182 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:54

Is that how you & Mrs. Bastard met, Doc? :)

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5364190 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:00

Shush, you.

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5364457 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:14

Hehe its ok Doc. You meet the nicest people in therapy :-) and im sure mrs. Bastard is a lovely lady. FMLers dont judge. Wait.... thats why we are all here o_O...

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#5364536 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 6:29

Yeah, we're pretty much all judgmental pricks. Welcome to life?

Reply

dalink | 24

#5366267 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:39

That's a pretty effed up fracture.

By jrod9327 | 17

#5364117 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I always give my number to the person so I don't have to worry about wondering if they are interested enough to talk or not. It also helps with not needing to carry paper or pen. And I may not get an answer from the author but did he not have a cell phone to put the number in?

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#5364197 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:03

Yeah, I tend to put my number in their phone for them or tell them it as they put it in. It's so easy to lose the pieces of paper.

Reply

jrod9327 | 17

#5365343 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 20:50

Or the worst is when you forget and throw your pants in the wash. Before I had my first cell phone, I did that a lot.

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5364118 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I guess you have a whole story to tell your therapist now.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5364121 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:21

Hey we all are a little crazy in are own right. If someone can't deal with it they might be in for a long lonely life of thinking they are perfect. Kind of ironic.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5364265 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:51

*our

Reply

panicsdisaster | 17

#5364462 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:20

Touche

Reply

lolmandi | 9

#5364613 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 7:40

I think I'm going to need therapy after seeing # 12's profile picture.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364125 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:22

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.