Love: Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while... - FML

By sofuckingembarassing. - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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Mother of the year

Triage

So you had a bad day…

By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

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By jj159 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By 2285morgan - United States

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By Snickers - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

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By dantheman - United States

Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

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By Lars - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

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By CashChamp20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

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By missingcharlie - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

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By badcook - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

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By grossfoot - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

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By TheFlash - United States

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

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By kelly.duggan - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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By coco1234

Brain melt

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

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By Sammy - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By Alien - Switzerland

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

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By bummer - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By sam - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By luroluro - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

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By princess - Canada

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Three kids?

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

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By sexisdead

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

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By noway - France - Cholet

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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By help me - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

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By fml - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

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By WorryNot - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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Top comments

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

COMMENTS

By skip_m | 6

#5364096 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Yeah, but he could be your love doctor.

By Meshidaru_fml | 7

#5364097 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:15

Tell him it's for the other you.

Reply

androiddestroya | 7

#5364166 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:42

If bad goes to worse, at least she'll still have each other.

By obnum | 19

#5364107 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

Quite the awkward moment.

By ProjectN69 | 12

#5364109 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:18

At least now you'll have something to talk to your therapist about!

Reply

andyyroxx | 20

#5364113 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

Not elated in the slightest, hence the FML.

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#5364389 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 4:28

^ Buzz Killington up in here

Reply

ProjectN69 | 12

#5364498 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:43

Haha give andyyroxx a break. I changed my comment after he replied.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364114 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:19

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.

By DocBastard | 38

#5364116 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

"Oh, that! I'm in therapy for my nymphomania."

He will call. I guarantee it.

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5364182 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:54

Is that how you & Mrs. Bastard met, Doc? :)

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#5364190 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:00

Shush, you.

Reply

jem970 | 19

#5364457 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:14

Hehe its ok Doc. You meet the nicest people in therapy :-) and im sure mrs. Bastard is a lovely lady. FMLers dont judge. Wait.... thats why we are all here o_O...

Reply

GracesDelirium | 9

#5364536 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 6:29

Yeah, we're pretty much all judgmental pricks. Welcome to life?

Reply

dalink | 24

#5366267 - Wednesday 13 February 2013 12:39

That's a pretty effed up fracture.

By jrod9327 | 17

#5364117 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I always give my number to the person so I don't have to worry about wondering if they are interested enough to talk or not. It also helps with not needing to carry paper or pen. And I may not get an answer from the author but did he not have a cell phone to put the number in?

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#5364197 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:03

Yeah, I tend to put my number in their phone for them or tell them it as they put it in. It's so easy to lose the pieces of paper.

Reply

jrod9327 | 17

#5365343 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 20:50

Or the worst is when you forget and throw your pants in the wash. Before I had my first cell phone, I did that a lot.

By BlackPhenom | 9

#5364118 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:20

I guess you have a whole story to tell your therapist now.

By panicsdisaster | 17

#5364121 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:21

Hey we all are a little crazy in are own right. If someone can't deal with it they might be in for a long lonely life of thinking they are perfect. Kind of ironic.

Reply

BronayPonay | 6

#5364265 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 2:51

*our

Reply

panicsdisaster | 17

#5364462 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 5:20

Touche

Reply

lolmandi | 9

#5364613 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 7:40

I think I'm going to need therapy after seeing # 12's profile picture.

By MaydayParadexx | 18

#5364125 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 1:22

I don't see where this is an FML moment. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.