Intimacy: Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs... - FML

By T-Bear - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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Understandable

Triage

Our house, in the middle of our street

By NotTellingYouMyName - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By pygmalion - United Kingdom

Today, after the most stressful two weeks of my life, I finally found a few minutes to sit down with a relaxing cup of tea. I went to take a sip, sneezed, smashed the mug into my nose, and dumped scalding hot tea all over my face and cleavage. FML

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By michael - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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By Peach

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML

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By he's a dawk, and a cunt - Australia - Darling Point

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Elyria

Crank time

Today, four months into a deep depression, I now have a new involuntary reaction to being sad and angry. I constantly have an erection when I'm feeling really down or pissed off, even when I cry. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

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By TDCC - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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By Pierceew - United States

Today, after making out with this guy, our tongue piercings got stuck together. After about five minutes of trying to unlock them, I accidentally vomited a little in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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By HelpMe1 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

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By Rizma - France - Gr?ces

Today, I went off for a jog. Outside, I saw my really cute neighbour, so in an effort to appear sporty, I accelerated and kept my head up. As I got close, I smiled at him, just when a huge fly flew right up my nose. FML

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By Brilee Bruxvoort - 25/12/2020 09:58 - United States - West Des Moines

Revenge

Today, after I divorced my husband because of his extreme alcoholism, he's now sober and got his life together and I see the man I fell madly in love with. Apparently, getting better for revenge meant more than getting better for the marriage. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By bloody good time

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By em from Cali - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By

Fact of scratching

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

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By LCDRBrownHercules - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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By Detroitman125

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By Mia - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

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By Jules - 3/3/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

One law for thee…

Today, my country’s health minister said on TV, "Stay home! Don’t travel, don’t meet people!" The same evening, he drove to another state to have dinner with a group of people who gave money to his political party. He had taken a COVID test before. It came back positive. FML

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

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By ithinkimturningjapanese - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By shades - United Kingdom

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

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By Billz

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 20:02

Mystery message service

Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of with, whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML

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By nullroute - Switzerland - Full

Today, I found out that while on foreign exchange for over six months now, I have been pronouncing the word for "night" in German wrong. Apparently, this whole time, the way that I have been pronouncing it in German means "naked". This explains a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Montrose

Today, I got my car cleaned. As I drove home, the passenger of the van in front of me vomited out the window. The vomit sailed back and splattered all over the front of my car. A waste of £10 and a mental image that will never go away. FML

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By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored at my job as a receptionist that I actually got excited when the phone rang. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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Top comments

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

COMMENTS

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429867 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:41

I first read this as half dead, it still made sense though

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6429882 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:53

take it as a compliment

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6430397 - Friday 9 October 2015 3:35

#68 Really? You actually think OP should be flattered? You're one of those "wincest" commenters aren't you :/

Reply

CelesteGomes | 25

#6430416 - Friday 9 October 2015 4:15

Did anyone think of The movie "The Visit"?? Creepy as hell

Reply

bibble27 | 9

#6431334 - Saturday 10 October 2015 6:38

#63 I made the same mistake when I read it. It wasn't until your comment I realized it was "deaf" ?

Reply

falloutboytrash | 10

#6462439 - Monday 16 November 2015 5:45

Wincest!!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6429549 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

yoitsbeau | 10

#6429607 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:03

wow who could've thought

Reply

nominaski | 25

#6429623 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:26

she clearly states her name is Tara in the post.

Reply

EdenZombies | 9

#6429757 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:08

I think he's trying to say that he guessed the name was Tara before he read the fml, when he saw her username..

Reply

TheLynx_fml | 20

#6429929 - Thursday 8 October 2015 17:35

Why does this comment have negative votes

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6429550 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I suggest you don't stay in the room alone with him.

Reply

RainTears | 15

#6429563 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:27

i agree, else he will try and force OP into submission with the pickup lines he's perfected over the years

Reply

Otherhats | 20

#6430214 - Thursday 8 October 2015 22:45

Ok, grandpa is creepy... But, that doesn't mean he's going to try and get freaky with her the first chance he gets.

By venomousflower | 24

#6429551 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I don't what to say

Reply

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6429591 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:40

I don't *know what to say either.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6429718 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:43

Damnit brain, I completely skipped over the fact that there wasn't a "know" in that sentence and read it like there was.

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6429788 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:46

At that age they have to use any mind trigger they can just to try and get off.
In all probability she doesn't have anything to worry about, he doesn't know that she heard him. It's his own little secret.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429869 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:43

If he's that old you're probably the only female he can remember well enough to visualize, despite being gross maybe give the old fart a pass...

Reply

spudking | 19

#6429948 - Thursday 8 October 2015 18:15

That's her grandfather. Getting off thinking of her. That goes beyond "his own little secret."

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6430289 - Friday 9 October 2015 1:16

Wow I'm an idiot

By WCARlover | 34

#6429552 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

that's so messed up....maybe he's not all there mentally and thinks that's okay? :/ eek...

By aryoni | 7

#6429553 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

I'm sorry OP, that's tough.

By LaLince | 40

#6429555 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

Run. Run fast.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429558 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Tara is a fairly common name, I know a few. It could be a different Tara..............hopefully.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6429883 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:54

Exactly. I've been in love with Julianne Moore for decades. Then, my sister had to go and marry a guy with the last name Moore.

(My sister is named Julianne, if I didn't make that clear)

Reply

loveforever2015 | 5

#6431286 - Saturday 10 October 2015 4:58

no Tara is not a common name at all..

By gabismendonca2 | 14

#6429559 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Just one reaction: O M G

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429712 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:10

Becky look at that butt!

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6430139 - Thursday 8 October 2015 20:56

Her*

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

Reply

Paradise_in_Hell | 2

#6431853 - Saturday 10 October 2015 23:24

and blind