Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs... - FML

By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

In my day…

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

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By N - 27/11/2012 03:13 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's; his father was with him the whole entire time. He is 27. FML

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By anonymous - 4/8/2015 20:56 - United States - Ballwin

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

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By frosho - 9/3/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had just competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady comes up to my friend who got first alternate and said,"You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner." I was the winner. FML

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By ButItWasRareDad! - 3/8/2016 22:21 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By mistletoe - 9/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By xXxXxTOBIxX - 22/7/2013 11:49 - United States - Raleigh

Today, while relaxing in a chair in a shop, a man approached me and said, "You have no idea how many times I've farted in that chair." FML

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By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By gerontofuck - 15/4/2014 21:55 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

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By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - 19/3/2013 06:32 - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

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By littleone37 - 3/4/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, my mom and sister both told me that they don't like when I come visit with my boyfriend. They love my boyfriend and think he's great, it's me they have a problem with. FML

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By ashleyrc_8213 - 11/5/2020 20:00

Hidden

Today, I was commenting on my boyfriend’s page, telling him how much I loved him and missed him since he had been deported back to his country. A 12-year-old girl commented, “Who are you and why are you so obsessed with my daddy?” I didn’t know he had kids. We were together for 3 years. FML

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By fukinlonely - 12/1/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By anonymous - 12/11/2014 05:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By funnywoe - 19/7/2020 20:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my uncle is staying with my family and he just gave me the weirdest 'gift' I've ever gotten. He gave me his used shaver. He said he realized that it's for women, but I find this disgusting. I could maybe sanitize it, but then I would have to touch the hairs on it. I had to pretend to be truly grateful for it. FML

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By halfasleep - 27/3/2012 14:00 - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

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By Username - 22/6/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By eric - 16/3/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By Blöde Gans - 25/11/2014 16:14 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 16:01 - United States - Port Townsend

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

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By iamgodzilla - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 18:30 - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 11:18 - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By skunked - 18/6/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

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By ravestradamus - 12/10/2009 12:34 - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By - 25/4/2019 04:00

Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

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By brokewithnocar - 21/1/2017 20:00

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

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By nightowl506 - 21/11/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I received gorgeous orchids from my long distance boyfriend. I was excited about it and told my parents. They still are convinced I have no boyfriend and I mailed the flowers to myself. FML

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By LonelyHeart - 22/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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By dannij08 - 27/1/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

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By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By Andrexwife - 31/7/2009 07:03 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my first wedding anniversary, or Paper anniversary. I got him airline tickets for an expensive weekend break for two in Berlin. He got me a toilet roll. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

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By missbrit - 4/2/2011 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got a new rifle. He forced me to watch him stripping it, oiling it, and sliding things into its barrel. We then watched 'Enemy at the Gates'. I basically endured 4 hours of gun porn. FML

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By This Is My Life - 1/7/2017 02:00

Jesus Christ!

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By notdaddy - 16/2/2015 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 13:20 - United States

Today, I went to watch the Movie "UP." At one point in the movie I got really sad and started to cry a bit. The 7 year old girl next to me noticed and told me to shut and man up. FML

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Top comments

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

COMMENTS

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429867 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:41

I first read this as half dead, it still made sense though

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6429882 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:53

take it as a compliment

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6430397 - Friday 9 October 2015 3:35

#68 Really? You actually think OP should be flattered? You're one of those "wincest" commenters aren't you :/

Reply

CelesteGomes | 25

#6430416 - Friday 9 October 2015 4:15

Did anyone think of The movie "The Visit"?? Creepy as hell

Reply

bibble27 | 9

#6431334 - Saturday 10 October 2015 6:38

#63 I made the same mistake when I read it. It wasn't until your comment I realized it was "deaf" ?

Reply

falloutboytrash | 10

#6462439 - Monday 16 November 2015 5:45

Wincest!!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6429549 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

yoitsbeau | 10

#6429607 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:03

wow who could've thought

Reply

nominaski | 25

#6429623 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:26

she clearly states her name is Tara in the post.

Reply

EdenZombies | 9

#6429757 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:08

I think he's trying to say that he guessed the name was Tara before he read the fml, when he saw her username..

Reply

TheLynx_fml | 20

#6429929 - Thursday 8 October 2015 17:35

Why does this comment have negative votes

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6429550 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I suggest you don't stay in the room alone with him.

Reply

RainTears | 15

#6429563 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:27

i agree, else he will try and force OP into submission with the pickup lines he's perfected over the years

Reply

Otherhats | 20

#6430214 - Thursday 8 October 2015 22:45

Ok, grandpa is creepy... But, that doesn't mean he's going to try and get freaky with her the first chance he gets.

By venomousflower | 24

#6429551 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I don't what to say

Reply

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6429591 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:40

I don't *know what to say either.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6429718 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:43

Damnit brain, I completely skipped over the fact that there wasn't a "know" in that sentence and read it like there was.

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6429788 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:46

At that age they have to use any mind trigger they can just to try and get off.
In all probability she doesn't have anything to worry about, he doesn't know that she heard him. It's his own little secret.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429869 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:43

If he's that old you're probably the only female he can remember well enough to visualize, despite being gross maybe give the old fart a pass...

Reply

spudking | 19

#6429948 - Thursday 8 October 2015 18:15

That's her grandfather. Getting off thinking of her. That goes beyond "his own little secret."

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6430289 - Friday 9 October 2015 1:16

Wow I'm an idiot

By WCARlover | 34

#6429552 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

that's so messed up....maybe he's not all there mentally and thinks that's okay? :/ eek...

By aryoni | 7

#6429553 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

I'm sorry OP, that's tough.

By LaLince | 40

#6429555 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

Run. Run fast.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429558 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Tara is a fairly common name, I know a few. It could be a different Tara..............hopefully.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6429883 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:54

Exactly. I've been in love with Julianne Moore for decades. Then, my sister had to go and marry a guy with the last name Moore.

(My sister is named Julianne, if I didn't make that clear)

Reply

loveforever2015 | 5

#6431286 - Saturday 10 October 2015 4:58

no Tara is not a common name at all..

By gabismendonca2 | 14

#6429559 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Just one reaction: O M G

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429712 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:10

Becky look at that butt!

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6430139 - Thursday 8 October 2015 20:56

Her*

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

Reply

Paradise_in_Hell | 2

#6431853 - Saturday 10 October 2015 23:24

and blind