Intimacy: Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs... - FML

By T-Bear - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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Commando

Haircut, haircuuuut

Left behind

By Looking4ajob - United States - Jackson

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

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By MsGamerLady - 8/11/2020 17:02 - United States

In-laws, in-fighting

Today, like every time I visit the in-laws, my father-in-law is driving me crazy. He gets all holier than thou sometimes, and even my mother-in-law agrees he just talks to hear himself speak. It gets so bad that I resort to cleaning their house to ignore him. At least then he leaves me alone. Starting their dishes in 5. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By unbelievable - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

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By fbcaught - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By "Jester94752"

Today, a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

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By Robert - United States - North Pole

Today, my high school speech therapist introduced me to the other autistic kid in school without fully informing either of us. We got into a fist fight because we each thought the other guy was imitating us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By TappedAnts - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

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By Gentleman - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By justthinkofyourhand - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

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By Dontwaketheneighbors - United States - Santee

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

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By Gale - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

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By DeaazGurl - 22/1/2021 17:01

Thievery

Today, the medicine I keep at my desk for headaches is now gone thanks to my coworker who took the last 6 Advil at once. Her reasoning? "You're thin, so you wouldn't need them anyway. I'm twice your size, so I needed twice the dose." FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By Suicidal - Australia

Today, I had a mental breakdown after going through severe depression for several years. I told my boyfriend that everybody thinks I'm useless, to which he replied, "No you're not. You cook me good dinners." FML

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By CH - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chandler

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

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By FML - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

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By kellb123 - United States

Today, I was at work, and was told to clean up the urine that a child had left down the slide inside the play place. While in the slide, another little kid peed on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

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By nooneatall - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

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By srs

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By fuckthat - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By Cait - Canada - Olds

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

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By yayibs - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

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By ricksterile - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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By AprilFlowers - United States

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

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Top comments

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

COMMENTS

By cOOkiEzRgOOd | 22

#6429545 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:21

Some things just cannot be unheard OP. Maybe it's time to distance yourself.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429867 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:41

I first read this as half dead, it still made sense though

Reply

fuckedPriceless | 17

#6429882 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:53

take it as a compliment

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6430397 - Friday 9 October 2015 3:35

#68 Really? You actually think OP should be flattered? You're one of those "wincest" commenters aren't you :/

Reply

CelesteGomes | 25

#6430416 - Friday 9 October 2015 4:15

Did anyone think of The movie "The Visit"?? Creepy as hell

Reply

bibble27 | 9

#6431334 - Saturday 10 October 2015 6:38

#63 I made the same mistake when I read it. It wasn't until your comment I realized it was "deaf" ?

Reply

falloutboytrash | 10

#6462439 - Monday 16 November 2015 5:45

Wincest!!

By Sam_Dchi | 23

#6429549 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

yoitsbeau | 10

#6429607 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:03

wow who could've thought

Reply

nominaski | 25

#6429623 - Thursday 8 October 2015 7:26

she clearly states her name is Tara in the post.

Reply

EdenZombies | 9

#6429757 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:08

I think he's trying to say that he guessed the name was Tara before he read the fml, when he saw her username..

Reply

TheLynx_fml | 20

#6429929 - Thursday 8 October 2015 17:35

Why does this comment have negative votes

By UmmOkThen | 31

#6429550 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I suggest you don't stay in the room alone with him.

Reply

RainTears | 15

#6429563 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:27

i agree, else he will try and force OP into submission with the pickup lines he's perfected over the years

Reply

Otherhats | 20

#6430214 - Thursday 8 October 2015 22:45

Ok, grandpa is creepy... But, that doesn't mean he's going to try and get freaky with her the first chance he gets.

By venomousflower | 24

#6429551 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

I don't what to say

Reply

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6429591 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:40

I don't *know what to say either.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6429718 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:43

Damnit brain, I completely skipped over the fact that there wasn't a "know" in that sentence and read it like there was.

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6429788 - Thursday 8 October 2015 12:46

At that age they have to use any mind trigger they can just to try and get off.
In all probability she doesn't have anything to worry about, he doesn't know that she heard him. It's his own little secret.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6429869 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:43

If he's that old you're probably the only female he can remember well enough to visualize, despite being gross maybe give the old fart a pass...

Reply

spudking | 19

#6429948 - Thursday 8 October 2015 18:15

That's her grandfather. Getting off thinking of her. That goes beyond "his own little secret."

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6430289 - Friday 9 October 2015 1:16

Wow I'm an idiot

By WCARlover | 34

#6429552 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:23

that's so messed up....maybe he's not all there mentally and thinks that's okay? :/ eek...

By aryoni | 7

#6429553 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

I'm sorry OP, that's tough.

By LaLince | 40

#6429555 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:24

Run. Run fast.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429558 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Tara is a fairly common name, I know a few. It could be a different Tara..............hopefully.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6429883 - Thursday 8 October 2015 15:54

Exactly. I've been in love with Julianne Moore for decades. Then, my sister had to go and marry a guy with the last name Moore.

(My sister is named Julianne, if I didn't make that clear)

Reply

loveforever2015 | 5

#6431286 - Saturday 10 October 2015 4:58

no Tara is not a common name at all..

By gabismendonca2 | 14

#6429559 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Just one reaction: O M G

Reply

Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6429712 - Thursday 8 October 2015 9:10

Becky look at that butt!

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6430139 - Thursday 8 October 2015 20:56

Her*

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#6429560 - Thursday 8 October 2015 6:25

Bet you wish you were deaf

Reply

Paradise_in_Hell | 2

#6431853 - Saturday 10 October 2015 23:24

and blind